This is so hard!  Why am I such a “nice guy”?  The thought of hurting her and her kids is killing me.  I want to talk to her so bad, but I can’t.  I know I need to and I have to.  But damn.  She is starting a new job on Monday and she needs to be able to focus on it.  I know if i say something now that that will make it difficult for her too.  On the other hand, I feel like i’m living a lie anymore. I keep watching time tick away…. waiting for the right moment. I know that the longer I wait the harder it will be also though.  To make things worse, she went out and bought all of our kids some starter stuff for easter already.  Which brought back a memory to last easter…  She came over with her kids and we all did eggs.  She stayed over the night before.  We had a good time.  But when she was getting ready to leave, my oldest daughter and my ex-wife stopped by to get my girls.  My g-friend mis-read the situation and grabbed all her stuff and was leaving.  I went out to talk to her and she was shaking.  She was gonna leave for good.  “you don’t want me here”  she showed signs then and I didn’t see them.   UGH!  I really have to talk to her and I”m so afraid to.  This sucks so bad.  It would be so much easier if she did not have kids.

I did talk to my daughter yesterday though.  The one that came to me a couple weeks ago.  I told her that I may be talking to my g-friend soon and that I don’t know if things are going to work out.  That I feel like we are all unhappy most of the time and that it would be best if we separated.  I told her that the problem is my girlfriend has no where to go right now and with her employment situation I don’t know if it is going to get any better any time soon.  That if/when this does happen, we may end up changing room arrangements at the house for a while.  She looked upset.  She said she understands, but that she does love my girlfriend and her kids like they are family.  She asked if that does happen and if she does leave if she and I were still going to see each other.  I told her no, that if we can’t make this work, it will be even harder then and it would be best if we were done.  She then asked if she could still see my girlfriend and her kids once in a while.  I told her maybe we could arrange something.

this is so incredibly hard to do.  It’s funny cause when my ex-wife left.  She just left, we were done.  No hard feelings.  It was easy.  Now it feel worse and more difficult.  I don’t understand.

I do know that if this was my ex-girlfriend.  I would of done anything in the world that I could have to make it better.  ANYTHING.  I should feel that way now and I don’t.

My girlfriend does though.  I really hate/apprieciate this situation.  It really has opened my eyes about my past.  My ex must have been struggling like this for some time off and on, then at the end, I lost my shit and made things ten times worse when she needed me most just to be there and back off and let her come to me.  Instead i bombarded her every day.  Made it all about me.  Which is what ultimately drove her away.  Just like my girlfriend is doing to me know.  my ex and I never really fought though, I wish we would of, then maybe things would of been more clearer with me.  But with my girlfriend, when we fight, I tell her what I think and it still doesn’t change how she behaves.

Give me strength for this.  I need it.  If I know one thing about myself it that i’m a lover not a fighter.  It is very hard for me to not feel bad and sacrifice my own feelings and needs for others.  There are many time i wish i was one of those people that didn’t give a crap….