Well hello again,

Almost one month passed since I wrote here. It starts to look like a journal. Ahm..  I’m still here and not so many things changed. Actually almost nothing changed. I started having some kind of teaching job in an academy and I started with only 2 courses per week. Sadly it stayed there for the last month and a half and I didn’t get any more students.  Lately I even only worked there once in 2 weeks because students don’t seem to come every week. I have been here for almost 3 months now.. and I applied to approximately 60 restaurants/bars, 18 language schools, 30 other jobs I found online – rent a car jobs, airport jobs, supermarket jobs..  and I’ve got nothing by now.  It is true, it does feel like I haven’t done my best. Most of the times I didn’t even want to try to go somewhere and ask for a job.. there are days when I haven’t done anything, there are days when I have been watching movies. There are also days when I went from place to place and handled them my CV.

I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I don’t specifically want some kind of job. There is a part of me who seems scared of having a job.. because I am not used to that and I don’t seem to want to leave my comfort zone at all. But on the other side this is what frustrates me the most and I want to change it and have a normal responsible life. For some reason I don’t seem to achieve that. And I tried that for years ( at least that’s what I think ).  I was scared about ending up here and doing the same thing I was doing home.. And I guess that’s exactly what I did.  I still have no job, no income, I feel lonely, lost and depressed.

I go out with friends 3…4 times a week, I drink and I party but that doesn’t make things much better. I do have moments when I enjoy being here and I feel hopeful but I still feel like some kind of outsider.. like I am outside everything.. outside life?! Everyone seems to handle it in some way an everyone seems to have a job and some kind of drive towards something.

I appreciate what I have.. and I am doing my best to be grateful for everything. Grateful for having enough money to live comfortably, enough food, great shelter, parents and friends. I am also grateful for my experiences so far and I am grateful for who I am today. BUT I don’t like who I am to be honest. I don’t like the fact I am so lost, I don’t like the fact I don’t have a job at the age of 26, I don’t like the fact I am procrastinating sometimes and I don’t like the fact I feel lonely. I have a few friends and they are great people.. But I miss being with a girl and not having any girlfriend or any other kind of relationship with a female except friendship or some small talk in a bar..  I feel socially anxious especially around girls. I seem to be scared to get close to someone again.. and I definitely don’t want to repeat the live have had a few years ago.. when I’ve been lonely for about 4 years. It does seem like it’s going in the same direction..  and.. since I haven’t really changed, It probably does.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s attention I need.. or I simply need to feel loved and appreciated.

The things is.. I came here to change my life and live a good life. I came here to be happy, start having a job and finding myself and it feels like I failed again. It’s awful. I still have days when I cry and I keep praying to god, universe, whatever else is there in hope that somehow I will feel some kind of drive towards something and I will find my motivation to pursue it.  It does seem like I am the only one going trough this.. and maybe I am. I mean..everyone has it’s own version of struggles.. but pretty much everyone seems to have a job and be able to go out and enjoy some quality time in the company of a girl. At least these two. A lot of my friends from here or other countries tell me they are not happy and they have no f*cking clue what they are doing with their lives but they all seem to manage so much better than I am.. and I feel like I am miles away behind. I know it sounds childish..  it does sound like a superficial mentality.. but that’s how I feel.

And I don’t think I am sick.. or depressed. I have ups and downs.. I have days when I’m feeling alright.. I have days when I am hopeful and I have days when I feel discouraged and lost.. but it never lasts for very long. I am asking myself quite often if I should go back to my country and look for a therapist and do everything that’s necessary to heal myself.. and I don’t know if this is or not the case. I have been doing therapy before.. and It didn’t really do much for me. I don’t know.

Money is running out.. I keep receiving money from my parents but I don’t know what I am going to do.  I don’t really know were I want to be either. I like it here.. but it gets boring when I don’t have a job or some kind of schedule..  And no.. trying to make my own schedule like running, reading, looking for a job, etc. doesn’t work. I kind of need some schedule to keep me busy and make me feel like I am accomplishing something and it feels  like I am cursed not go get it.. almost like no matter what happens I end up doing the same thing..

Thank you so much for reading. I feel pathetic.. I whine on and on about not being able to be a strong good man who has a good job, feels good and confident, has great friends and does good for himself and the ones around him. Is it really that much of a big deal?