Dear Anita,

I have reflected on what we have spoken about over the last two days plenty. One thing came to my mind this morning, it’s about maturity. My mother never differentiated the meaning of immature versus mature. Of course I did not expect her to out right we explain the definition of both or give examples. But most importantly, she never ever gave my sister and I are true example of what maturity is. Of course! She was stuck in a childlike state throwing tantrums here in there when anything didn’t go under her own power.

This other strange but interesting thought this morning after I woke up. I thought about how I am constantly seeking out word, often seeking individuals who are not important to me because in essence I am seeking my mother’s love. I thought, I wonder if my own mother was seeking her mothers love is well. Her mother was troubled, not very involved in raising her given that she had five older siblings, struggled with mental health her whole life, in an out of treatment. Not to say that it matters, and not to say that it really even change is what I am going to now, but an interesting thought none the less.

I was on the subway this morning after these thoughts, headed to work. On the subway there was a young mom, with four children. She was very unkempt and look like an individual, and I apologize if I am being judge mental, but very overwhelmed with children and perhaps not at the emotional mature state to have them. Her youngest child was in a stroller, and the second youngest looked about two years old. A beautiful young boy with curly hair, bouncy curls that you just want to touch. Every time to Subway would make a complete stop, he would be fungal over the seat and fall on the floor. The mother would glance at her phone for a second, and go back to what she was doing on her phone. Each and every time the child would try to crawl back into his mother’s lap crying, looking at her eyes for some sympathy. He wouldn’t receive it. I would notice his face go from a sad frown, to quickly a happy smile as he would start kissing his mom again. He would giggle, and she would kiss him back and then they would play for a few minutes. Then again, the same scenario long down, this time almost hitting his head. Rising back up.

I have course was at first very disturbed by the situation, this poor child, but I also saw that he was so happy. The point of the story is that this child was capable of being so happy no matter what, it’s natural state was not to hate his natural state was to love. His natural state was to love his mother above all, no matter what, no matter what was happening to him.

I looked at this child and his smiling face, kissing his mom all over her face, so happy to be near her. And I thought about how much it takes to traumatize a child, this child, similar to my sweet little dog, has happiness and affection and sweetness as a baseline state, to take that away from a child must take so much hatred. Our mothers are filled with so much evil and hatred and animosity that they would take such a sweet young child and turn them into a negative creature. And it also reminded me about exercise,All the trauma that I have gone through has started much earlier than I recall. Our exercises help me think about that. And observing children has helped me think about that. The only job for a mother is to be attentive and to give love. I am not saying that this is an easy job or a simple one. But first in for most mother needs to give love to a child. If she is unable to do that, she has no business being a mother. I am not judging the mother on the subway saying she’s not giving him love, I am strictly talking about my mother, and perhaps yours. Saying that the most primitive state their job is to provide us love, and they failed at that, the result of this is exactly what we go through each and every day. And what we talked about on here.