Dear anita,

no, I didn’t feel bad just because the stick broke. But then, I wanted to clear everything up, but it went wrong. And maybe it was too exaggerated to bring it up. I don’t know, I just wanted to be honest.

But in the past months, I had felt bad and yes, I was behaving weirdly and my inner critic was insane. It started with K. (but of course I was insecure for a very long time, but this triggered it, as I am just not very experienced with men), because I let things happen to fast. And I was not able to talk to him about it. And I was so worried what he would think about me and started to feel like I was not good enough for him, too complicated.

I felt badly about myself and didn’t want to be seen, started to isolate myself. And then I behaved weirdly in the dormitory. Which makes me feel like, why did I always have to be so difficult? But in the end, what have I done to them?? Nothing. I only was a bit nervous and withdrew myself. Maybe I made them a little uncomfortable when I met them. Because I didn’t know how to act anymore. I had lost all of my remaining confidence in myself. And I obsessed about what they thought about me. Most likely they didn’t think much of me at all, as I don’t play a big role in the community life. We rarely see each other, so how could I have possibly hurt them? I don’t know, was I passive aggressive? I never had anything against them, I just was very unhappy with myself and became too insecure over small things.

But I don’t agree with you that I should interact less with people. No, if I talk more to people, I worry less about what they think about me. I know them a bit, they know me and we understand each other better. Then I feel more comfortable. So if I broke something accidently, maybe I would tell them and ask them if I can replace it. But then I wouldn’t worry much about it. It is the people that know me, but don’t really know me that I have most problems with. And then I start to worry, are they talking about me? Are they laughing about me? Are they thinking that I am bad?

But of course, I don’t want to bother my new roommates. If they don’t want to have lots of contact, I will let them be. But knowing them a little will make me feel less awkward. Social interactions are still hard for me. But it gets better, when I know that people generally accept me. The problem was, that I knew that I had behaved oddly. That I was too nervous, that I hid myself. And I worried that they had overheard me when talking on the phone. And some also reacted weirdly to me, like ignoring me, when I said hello. But of course, it was initiated by my own behaviour, that would have made them feel awkward.

I seems like I will be moving next month. And I don’t want to have the same problems there as I have here. Now I feel more stable, so I will not feel so nervous and ashamed of myself and I will be able to handle things better. But of course, I still worry, that things could go wrong.

Going to the forest helped, it made me feel much calmer. I think I should do it at least once a  week. And fill my days with useful things, then I will feel better about myself.