Dear Anita,

Good morning! I am not very focused this morning, I think it was rushing to work in the heat that got me. I will definitely sink in and hydrate.

I woke up with this thought:

I can enjoy, if I let myself.

the thought expanded: I can ____, if I let myself

It could be: relax, enjoy, feel, it could be anything.

To go back to your post:

Do you see how important, how Super you used to believe that you are to her? So important that she would be suffering deep despair, hysteria and psychosis if you cut contact with her.

I do. I thought about this a lot this weekend.  A scorching hot weekend where everyone was indoors.  It reminded me of how my mother would have been over whelmed with the prospect of staying indoors all weekend, and “finding activities” for us.  I notice how this was projected onto my sister and I – Us believing we always need entertainment, us believing we always need this or that.

Us (I) believing so many things about myself that are untrue.  How many years have I looked up to/put on a pedestal people who are able to be inner and centered.

It is pretty simple – to know that pretty much everything my mother said was false! Including the savior role, from which the SCC role was born.

I have a much better relationship with my sister than a few months ago – but I still notice that if there was once place that SCC exists regularly it is in that relationship.

This time around I can’t blame my sister for doing anything to trigger me, it is that I tend to jump into entertaining, trying, doing CC when I am around her.  It is difficult for me to relax, and I notice I subconsciously feel the need to make sure she is always having a good time.  We have talked about it plenty – and of course the root is all the years when my sister was lonely and didn’t have many friends -feeling the need to show my sister a good time.

She is now an adult, with a great career, and a good set of friends.  She is just fine.

I know it is the old neuropathways being re-activated around her, and I know it hasn’t been so long where my interaction with her was this way.  In fact when moving here to NYC as you know my greatest distress was her – and feeling the need to settle her in even before ourselves. Still feeling at times perhaps the pressure to make sure I spend time with her regularly.  I know it is a self induced obligation.  I do enjoy my time with her, and with both of our dogs – but realize it doesn’t have to be so regular.

I read this article about marriage.  Now I know much of the literature out there on marriage, where is Christian marriage literature, psychological literature, self help literature – focuses on a few tenets.  Compromise, love, respect, etc.

Yet this article I came across was quite specific.  It cited everything that takes away from your focus on your marriage as an “intruder”  — if I read this article just 6 months ago I would have thought the term harsh.  But it resonated with me perfectly

An intruder can be anything, good or bad.  It doesn’t necessarily need to be negative – its simply anyone/thing that takes away from your full focus on marriage

1) work

2) family members

3) friends

4) events

I put this this way as it helps me itemize.  I think about for my husband and I, perhaps more than any couple I know – this is so relevant! It is not to say we need to delete everything from our life – but be COGNIZANT that we have many things working AGAINST us.  So to feel centered together is ACTIVE – if we passively let all the “intruders” go in and out – we will be left spent, without much of a connection.

1) work – work is work.  As said last week – at least my job is not as grueling and emotionally taxing as my husband’s.  But we are in the process of looking at new opportunities for him.  We are open to relocating out west as well, perhaps to Texas or Colorado (in a major city) as healthcare is often less toxic away from the Northeast. More on that as it progresses

2) Family members.  Well the most toxic one of all is now gone.  But the article pointed out that even well meaning individuals such as parents can be “intruders”  I see what it meant.  For example, we just came back from our london weekend, which took a lot out of me emotionally given the way it ended with the cousin (as you know).  Let’s say (not real) that my in laws invited us over this weekend.  I would have wanted to say oh okay maybe – but in reality it would not be what we NEEDED.  It is about what you need at the time to recover and regenerate.  Luckily my in laws are never pushy, and entirely understanding.  Yet this is a learning point more for me than anyone.  That it is okay to do nothing, it is okay to say no, even the kindest most well meaning people.  I will say I am grateful that my in laws have not caused me any pressure.

Family cont’d: my sister.  My sister has been helpful in the time we were away, she watched my dog.  She hasn’t been “needy” or asking too much of me.  She has her own life in her 20s with her friends and social activities.  Yet, I feel as above a mild pressure.  Not as much as before at all – but mild in the sense that if the weekend rolls around and we are free and not full of plans, and she asks me what I am doing, I feel the need to involve her or see her.  Such as “oh meet us at the park” or oh we are heading to lunch maybe come meet us after. etc.  Not because she asks – but its this feeling I sense.  Maybe I sense that loneliness in her still even if it is not overt, feeling the need to jump in as SCC and entertain her.  Maybe it is simply a matter of time that I can relinquish it.  All in all, this learning exercise teaches me that inner circle yes, does include my sister in the sense of my close knit people – but SHOULD NOT when it comes to my marriage.

Inner circle is truly only my husband and I (oh and our sweet dog)

3) events – self explanatory we have been talking about this for a while, the necessary and the unnecessary, the weddings etc – picking and choosing and doing only what is needed, never sacrificing my own sanity (or try to maintain it best I can)