Dear Anita,

yes, you are right.

high price indeed.  yet it feels like this:

i paid this high price, of course without choosing, the child comes out loving their mother – as you and i speak about often, the innate state.

I believed my mother far beyond childhood, up until quite recently – as you know – even my first post saying, “toxic but loving parents”

the “but”

the irony! toxic BUT loving, as if!

what does that mean? it means confusion, it means frenzy.  someone who knows the truth but can’t accept it, or a truth trying to poke it’s little head, but the conscious squashing it down

you know what else? you have said often, that I must heal in the context of a loving relationship…

Well I feel quite resistant to love, not actively, not consciously – subconsciously

Its like getting fed amazing ice cream daily, but not knowing its value – thinking oh its food.

not having the awareness or insight to appreciate – it doesn’t exist.

if you say to me my husband is kind supportive and loving, i say yes –

but that loving relationship I must be in – to heal

I don’t feel I can appreciate it, or more than the term appreciate it – even begin to gauge what it is

i feel blind to it. blind