Dear Anita,

Funny our ability to always get each other on the same page. As soon as I posted and submitted to you, the inter-personal aspect came back to mine. I wanted to go back and edit my post but I didn’t. Because what is innate is flowing, and that says a lot about me. Here is the thing, my interpersonal skills are not great. They are garbage. Because of what matters is where they are most important, with my husband. That’s wonderful that I am engaging and awesome with patients and colleagues and strangers, but what the hell does that even mean? It is useless fluff. I have terrible interpersonal skills with my husband, all I do is lash out and have rage. If things are fine and I am not triggered I am OK (decent) but the moment I am triggered, which is often, I have zero effective  ways of interpersonally communicating. So no Cali Chica is not a good communicator. No she sucks.

Wow it feels good to say that. I haven’t even gone to a true psychotherapist yet, and already am correcting truths about my own identity. Applause

Thank you again for the millionth time for presenting this paperwork to me I know it was a tedious process for you to type all of that out and I extend my greatest gratitude.

Yes, I am not assertive. I am rash, rude, and domineering often. Appropriate assertiveness is. Not the negative connotation. It does not mean to be a bulldog a raging and roaring  but not actually saying anything. What do I actually say, do I even say what I mean? Do I even know what I mean? Sometimes I may think I am assertive but I am not actually speaking my truth. I am not outwardly saying, sorry I am too busy to deal with you right now I must get back to my own self. Of course no one in society says this out right, but I don’t even get close to it. Always worried about offending others. BUT NEVER worried about offending my dear husband. WHY. Why is that, the rules don’t apply when it comes to him, I treat him entirely different than anyone else? Why is that?

To your next post:

“for it is as incorruptible as a child, who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth”

I am elaborating on this poem before I read what you wrote, and I then went back to read what you wrote about fear. Here is what I wrote prior:

This child will except no compromise, how smart this child is, it will not stop tormenting us until we seek the truth, we must not EVADE the truth. How humble, kind, smart, and loving this child is. What do I see here? OK I am going to close my eyes and voice text this Anita because I must speak it with my words and not type it with my fingers. Here it is, a sweet child a round flawless face with bigeyes and sleek hair. A sweet kind child, not unlike a puppy, bigeyes and adorable. Simply adorable you just want to squeeze those cheeks. The child is speaking in what language, the language of love. The child is speaking so much love the child is confused by this too but it doesn’t know how to speak anything else it is speaking love. Then of course the child becomes more confused, but yeah it doesn’t know any other language it only knows that one language, so what is it to do? Now the child just screams, it doesn’t know any other language so it pouts and screams and screams and screams it grows defiant. The child has not learned another language, is there another language but love? So it is acting out, the child spoke love but became confused with all of the HATE so now it just screams and roars. Over and over.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.