Dear anita,

thanks for your help. I am trying to improve, but it doesn’t always work well. But I guess there will be good days and bad days…

Today was not such a good day. This week was stressful at work and I was feeling tired. Thankfully, next week my colleague is back. Also, soon I will have some days off.

Sometimes, I just get overwhelmed. The clients come to me with all sorts of questions,some trying to bend the rules… And then they get upset when the rules are enforced. I want to help people, but sometimes I make mistakes. Before, I was only working in the background, but now I help out at the reception too. And I feel very unsure, especially if I don’t know something. I think I look incompetent.

Today I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. First during one phone call I felt insecure and I think the caller noticed. After the call, I hit myself with the phone and my hands. Thankfully, no one saw. Later, there was a caller that asked if we wanted to order some coffee. It had never happened before, so I didn’t know what to do. I asked a colleague for help and it was o.K. But then the caller asked if the coffee should be with or without filter, and my colleague was busy. I kind of lost it and sunk my head into my hands and was a bit desperate, half crying. My colleague tried to help me and the caller was also very friendly. But I feel embarrassed that this happened.

My colleague later said nothing about it and I calmed down. But when she wasn’t there, I cried a bit in the office. I guess nothing too bad happened. I didn’t offend anyone… Maybe I was just a little difficult and strange. At the end of the work day I was feeling calm again, and returned to my usual tasks. But I am very embarrassed.

My emotions sometimes become too extreme and I have to learn how to handle them better. Then, a small mistake can make me question my value and makes me ask why I even exist…

As for at work, I have to learn how to handle situations where I don’t know the answer. Maybe develop strategies for the situations that are difficult for me. Making decisions, making mistakes, not knowing everything…

Thankfully, tomorrow I don’t have to work. I will go to therapy, clean up, finally send my contract for the new room, work on uni projects and go to the birthday party of a friend.

By the way, my best friend also wrote a message to me. She is very stressed at the moment, having a difficult time. Of course, I would like to help her, and I told her so, but maybe I also should give her time for herself. Instead of causing additional stress.

This week I also did o.K. with doing something for myself after work, so not all is bad. It just was a stressful week I guess and I feel tired. On Tuesday everybody wanted their special treatment and everything was chaotic, I guess it finally got to me. Maybe I just have to accept that I cannot change over night, very much like you said.