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How do I stop caring what others think?

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This topic contains 119 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 20 hours, 43 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 121 total)
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  • #304275

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    well, I think the most important thing was saying something. After all, I broke it, so it was best to bring it up, even if it was just a minor thing. But so they will not feel disrespected and that is the most important thing. She seemed friendly and it was o.K. and the problem was resolved.

    So I don’t know what more can happen? I can buy the glue tomorrow, after work.

    And my therapist also said that I should confront people more. So that my worries and fantasies can not grow more.

    But for today, I will go offline, I think. Thank you for your help and advice! Have a good day!

    #304277

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    You are welcome. I think that you did well today. Thank  you for wishing me a good day and hope you have a good one as well.

    anita

    #304665

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    so I tried to give the woman the glue (it is the same one that sometimes ignored me). I knocked on her door twice  and she didn’t open, even though I’m pretty sure she was at home. Is it rude to knock? I only knocked one time on two separate days. Surely I don’t wish to disturb her.

    Maybe I will just put the glue in her letterbox with a message, because I hardly ever see her. And I don’t want to spent much more time dealing with this. To be frank, I do not care too much for her. Or would that be rude? I also don’t want to be impolite.

    Too often I don’t know how to deal with such little things. Maybe just drop it in her letterbox, I have a feeling she is not too keen on seeing me.

    But the rest of the week was good so far. At work it was stressful, but after work I went to do sport and yesterday I went for a walk that really relaxed me. Sometimes I am really feeling better about myself. And I can have compassion with myself, that I didn’t do everything perfectly.

    I hope you are having a good week so far too!

    #304675

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    It wasn’t rude of you to knock on her door the way you did. It would be rude to knock many times and/ or very loudly, but it is okay to knock a couple of times, as in knock-knock-knock, pause, then again, knock-knock-knock.

    It is not rude to not like her (nor is it rude to feel anything at all that you feel). Not liking a person rude to you motivates you to not look for their company, which is the healthy thing to do.

    If I was you, I will leave the glue with a note in her letterbox. After that, I wouldn’t ask her if she received it or mention the happening to anyone. In the future doing laundry, if this happens again, you don’t need to contact the owner of the rack and go through any of this, because it is an acceptable practice for roommates to use each other’s rack, and yours was used by someone else. Yours was damaged just a bit by someone else before, so when a stick breaks, but the rack is still usable, it is okay to say nothing and do nothing about it.

    “I can have compassion with myself, that I didn’t do everything perfectly”- excellent. When you practice this and other people witness it, they will feel more comfortable themselves, to not do everything perfectly.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
    #304733

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    so I put the glue into the letterbox. It is maybe the best solution, even if she doesn’t like it…. I tried my best to make it up to her. Still, I don’t understand why it is wrong to own up to breaking something? Or is it because I am making too big of a problem of a a small thing? Am I creating more problems by doing so, upsetting people? I thought it is best to talk openly about problems, but maybe it’s sometimes best to let it go?

    It sounds like a good idea to not talk of the incident anymore. It is resolved now. Anyways, I am moving out soon. But I lent some woodcutting materials to another roommate last autumn and I have to ask them back (they were worth about 80€, so quite expensive). Or I don’t know, should I just give them up?

    In the future, I hope to free myself of my fear of what other people think about me. And I want to think more about what I want, instead of pleasing others (of course without harming others). Because if I hadn’t been so sensitive to other people’s (supposed) opinions about me, the last year would have been much easier for me! But maybe I had to go through all this to learn and become more aware of myself. Because I really feel more self-aware and hopeful right now. (even though I still feel sad often).

    Today, after work, I also went outside for a walk by the river and I sat down to read for a while. It is so calming for me and it makes my day better. I should do little things like this every day to make my life better! Maybe this weekend I will go to see the ocean for a day. Collect some shells, go swimming, read at the beach. And I always wanted to write a message in a bottle…

    #304751

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    “why it is wrong to own up to breaking something?”- in this case, the stick breaking off the rack, it doesn’t make the rack any less useful, the breaking of the stick didn’t make the rack dangerous to the touch, does it? So following the stick breaking, if the rack can be used just like before, and if it is not dangerous to the touch (like likely to cause a tear in the skin), and it is an acceptable custom to use each other’s rack, and your own rack had a stick broken too by someone else who used it.. then the stick breaking is a matter of no consequence and is part of a regular, accepted behavior in the laundry room. Therefore there is nothing to own up to.

    “Am I creating more problems by doing so, upsetting people?”- you are upsetting yourself, Lily. I don’t know at all that you are upsetting others.

    You should ask for and get your woodcutting materials back from one of the roommates. I hope you get those back and in good shape. When you loaned those, it wasn’t specified when they should be returned?

    I am glad that you “really feel more self-aware and hopeful right now”! I think that doing calm things every day is an excellent plan, and so is the idea of spending time by the ocean. I wonder what message you might place in a bottle (I don’t expect you to share, as it may be private).

    anita

    #305367

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    the rack thing is not the end of the world I guess. Maybe it’s o.K. not to say anything.

    Well yes, I am worrying way too much. the last week was very calm and I stuck to my plans or was productive almost everyday. At work I did pretty o.K., even though my Co- worker was on vacation. And I did small things everyday after work.

    Today I even went to the sea and did all the things I planned. In the message in the bottle I just wrote about what I was thankful for and some of my goals. And I made some drawings. I had wanted to do this for years! But I was always too perfectionist about it.

    These days I am feeling better about myself and much calmer. But I am also quite lonely. I don’t have as much contact with my best friend since she has met her new boyfriend. But she also has troubles at home. Her mother wanted her to do something, which she didn’t want. But she pressured her a lot about it, one day asking her three times and even when she was already in bed, wanting to sleep. I got angry at the mother and said best to not engage in the topic anymore and just say no when it comes up. And I also asked if she could stay at another place, until everything calmed down.

    Best not to give advice to people, I think now. Better to only listen and let them talk and find their own solution. I worry now, that my advice was not good. Haven’t heard from her since that day and I am worried. I sent her two messages and tried to call her twice, but no response.

    What was also weird is that her mother posted a call to donate for suicide prevention that day. But she also posted again yesterday, so she cant be in a too bad state?

    Maybe my friend just is under a lot of stress and I should leave her alone and give her space.

    Human relationships are very difficult for me. At least I am good at being alone, but it is also sad. So is this life for me? But lately I see couples everywhere and think of K. But then again, at least I feel much calmer and happier about myself when I am alone.

    I guess I have a lot to learn.

    But there are a lot of positive things happening this week and lately! Best to think about that and to work on my goals and occupy my time with work, studies, painting, exercise, reading, journaling, walks, time in nature… Then I will feel better about myself and become a better friend. Maybe even find new friends.

    Hopefully you have a good week! Is there also such nice weather where you are? Here it was warm and sunny lately.

    #305373

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I will read and reply to your recent post (and any you may add to it) when I am back to the computer in about 18 hours from now.

    anita

    #305463

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    It’s been sunny and warm here too, too hot at times when outside. You did an excellent job this last week and Saturday you did something you wanted to do for a long time, going to the sea and sending a-message-in-a-bottle.

    The advice you gave to your friend regarding her mother is the advice I would give, meaning I think it is an excellent advice.

    You wrote: “These days I am feeling better about myself and much calmer. But I am also quite lonely”- when we are less anxious, what happens, is we get to feel other uncomfortable feelings that are usually forgotten underneath the whirlwind of anxiety. This is the problem with the healing process, we make progress (like you are making) but we get to feel lonely, or sad, depressed and whatnot. So one says to oneself: maybe I am not making progress after all, because I am feeling worse than usual in this way or that way.

    But we are making progress, it is just that the healing process is very long, and there are many emotions that we have that need to be attended to, many challenges yet to take on. It is a very gradual, slow process and we need to be very patient and persevere.

    So keep doing what you’ve been doing, appreciate the increasing calm, endure the loneliness and keep going.

    anita

    #305559

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you! I am really trying to make my life better. Today also was o.K. After work, I worked for some time on one of my art projects. But, I also would have wanted to do some sports or something relaxing. But you just can’t do it all. Last week I wished to draw more, I guess I still have to find out how to balance everything.

    As for my friend, maybe she just needs some time for herself. But I also was worried that my advice was too harsh, as her mother is depressed. It is just, that I wish for my friend to also have some time for herself. She always seems to be working or helping out her family. But she has to find her own way… And I already tried to reach out to her. I am a little worried that I have been difficult in the past months. But now that I feel better, I would like to be there for her. Hopefully, she is okay and we can talk again soon.

    Maybe I can also use this alone time to focus on myself and my goals. Maybe it is exactly what I need right now. Time of calm and time to reflect. But also time to become active and work on my problems.

    I think you are right, it takes time and patience to heal. And I am definitely feeling better than some months ago! My emotions became so extreme and my self-esteem dropped to a record low. Now I am feeling that I can like some things about myself and I also have a better vision on how to accomplish my goals, and more importantly, I feel motivated to improve my life!

    But it can’t be done overnight and I will make mistakes along the way. For example, at work I sometimes am insecure when talking to people on the phone. But I am getting better, I feel. Just sometimes I become overwhelmed and refer to a colleague.

    Today everybody was in a meeting, while I was the only contact person available for the clients. After the meeting one of my colleagues (one of the chefs) came by and said “Oh, Mrs. X, you poor mouse, how are you getting by?”

    I guess she didn’t mean it in a bad way, but still, who calls a grown up person a “poor mouse”? Maybe I should have said something, at least: “I am not a poor mouse, please stop saying that.”, but I didn’t say anything. Clearly, I don’t want to appear like a pitiful little person! I want to leave this behind me, become stronger.

    Of course, I am not my colleague (who is currently on holidays) who is confident and seems to be in charge of everything all the time. But for being me, I think I did well enough this week without her.

    Tomorrow I will do my best at work and try to not always ask for help immediately. But I will also go home punctually, and not work longer… Enough of trying to please everyone! I need my time for my art projects and to recharge…

    In any case, I am trying to keep going!

    #305565

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    It is a pleasure to read your progress, you are doing very well. What is the saying.. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Healing emotionally takes a long time of gradual improvement, there is no other way to do it. I suppose with technology, a city can be built much faster and easier than before, but there is no fast lane to emotional health, no technology to make it happen faster, or easier.

    You are doing good work, my goodness, I am impressed!

    I hope your friend reaches out to you, but what can you do if she doesn’t… Again, your advice for her was excellent, it showed concern for her well-being, and that is what a true friend does, being concerned for her well being (not for her mother’s).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #306115

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thanks for your help. I am trying to improve, but it doesn’t always work well. But I guess there will be good days and bad days…

    Today was not such a good day. This week was stressful at work and I was feeling tired. Thankfully, next week my colleague is back. Also, soon I will have some days off.

    Sometimes, I just get overwhelmed. The clients come to me with all sorts of questions,some trying to bend the rules… And then they get upset when the rules are enforced. I want to help people, but sometimes I make mistakes. Before, I was only working in the background, but now I help out at the reception too. And I feel very unsure, especially if I don’t know something. I think I look incompetent.

    Today I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown. First during one phone call I felt insecure and I think the caller noticed. After the call, I hit myself with the phone and my hands. Thankfully, no one saw. Later, there was a caller that asked if we wanted to order some coffee. It had never happened before, so I didn’t know what to do. I asked a colleague for help and it was o.K. But then the caller asked if the coffee should be with or without filter, and my colleague was busy. I kind of lost it and sunk my head into my hands and was a bit desperate, half crying. My colleague tried to help me and the caller was also very friendly. But I feel embarrassed that this happened.

    My colleague later said nothing about it and I calmed down. But when she wasn’t there, I cried a bit in the office. I guess nothing too bad happened. I didn’t offend anyone… Maybe I was just a little difficult and strange. At the end of the work day I was feeling calm again, and returned to my usual tasks. But I am very embarrassed.

    My emotions sometimes become too extreme and I have to learn how to handle them better. Then, a small mistake can make me question my value and makes me ask why I even exist…

    As for at work, I have to learn how to handle situations where I don’t know the answer. Maybe develop strategies for the situations that are difficult for me. Making decisions, making mistakes, not knowing everything…

    Thankfully, tomorrow I don’t have to work. I will go to therapy, clean up, finally send my contract for the new room, work on uni projects and go to the birthday party of a friend.

    By the way, my best friend also wrote a message to me. She is very stressed at the moment, having a difficult time. Of course, I would like to help her, and I told her so, but maybe I also should give her time for herself. Instead of causing additional stress.

    This week I also did o.K. with doing something for myself after work, so not all is bad. It just was a stressful week I guess and I feel tired. On Tuesday everybody wanted their special treatment and everything was chaotic, I guess it finally got to me. Maybe I just have to accept that I cannot change over night, very much like you said.

    #306139

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    Good thing you have a day off tomorrow. Also, I am glad your friend sent you a message. You wrote that you had “somewhat of a nervous breakdown today”, but your very post, today, reads organized, not at all by an individual distressed. It is sensible, follows logic. I figure you felt so badly when you didn’t know the answer to the question about the coffee filter that you felt as if.. the sky was falling down, catastrophizing, but it wasn’t that bad. You didn’t really experience a nervous breakdown.

    You are making progress, and like I wrote to you before, the only progress possible in the emotional health context is gradual and it takes a long, long time. But I do see significant and undeniable progress in your emotional health compared to your early posts of long ago.

    anita

    #308179

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    today I am getting the keys for my new room. So I feel a bit nervous. But it will be better to move. Yesterday when I returned to the dormitory after visiting my parents for almost a week, I instantly felt unhappy being here.

    Hopefully I will do o.K. in the new place. But I am worried. But I think, if only I can learn to accept myself, I will be o.K. And as said before, I will not share details about my personal life with them. Maybe I should stop worrying so much and see what happens…

    This place will also not be a permanent home. At the moment, I really wish for a place that feels like home. And I feel very lonely. Lately I thought about K. again (or fantasy version of a relationship with him) and it’s probably because I am feeling lonely.

    But it would be better to let it go.

    Maybe, not working last week gave me too much time to think. And all the changes are scary.

    And regarding my last post, yes I was probably exaggerating a bit. Maybe it is also normal to feel sometimes stressed, to not remain calm and composed 100% of the time. My job working at the reception now is a little more stressful. It is not my natural talent to work with people. But maybe it’s a learning opportunity.

    Best to work more on my goals and so I will go and paint now before I pick up the keys later.

    #308239

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    You express your struggles with insight and optimism. It is refreshing to read this combination. An  example of two insights: you wrote that you think about K, but you also expressed the insights that it is a fantasy version of him/ the relationship that you were thinking about and that what motivated this thinking is loneliness.

    Congratulations for moving out of the dormitory. It is a combination of relief (moving out of the dormitory) and fear (of moving in to the new place).

    My suggestions: indeed do not share much about yourself, the less you share, the less you worry about whether you should have shared this or that, or how you should  have stated this or that and so on. You don’t owe anyone to share or… confess to anything you didn’t do, remember that. You are moving as a tenant, a respectful tenant who pays her rent. You are not moving in as a friend, as a person who  is expected to prove herself as a social butterfly or anything like that.

    You are only a tenant. Act respectfully, pay your rent, that is your only responsibility, same as the responsibility of the other tenants.

    And post again anytime you need to express yourself and/ or ask for my input.

    anita

     

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