Dear Grenada and Anita,

Thankyou for your replies.

Grenada- I can understand your emotions and I admire how you took time to focus on yourself and see if it is him you truely want and also your compassionate understanding of him and his anxiety and guilt. The lines you wrote: ‘They felt like home, long periods of staring in each other’s eyes. All the fairytale things you hear about on tv that I never knew to be possible’ absolutely hit the nail on the head. I didn’t believe in all that stuff really so finding someone where we could stare into each others eyes and 3 hours could feel like 5 minutes in their company was like another world.

I appreciate your advice about saying how I feel to him. He knows how I feel and has always done. He is married with children now and so I am not going to speak to or contact him again. He has moved on and loves his wife and child and I am trying my best to as well.

I believe you are right when you say about choosing yourself. I can see that how other people choose themselves and it ends well for them. I do not feel I can do this in my life or how I would go about doing it. In many ways I have chosen myself eg changing jobs, volunteering, but none of it feels like I actually know myself any better on a deeper, more real level. Not sure that makes sense but I am struggling to put that in words what I mean.

anita- Thankyou for writing back. I understand about the distraction. I feel like I use it too much. Eg anytime things get too heavy or emotional I want to run away and distract myself. I feel I do not do enough sitting and being with my feelings but I don’t really know the process for sitting and being still with my emotions. They seem like a wave and consume everything. This morning I feel distant, like the very real emotions I felt yesterday are a distance away, but at the same time scared as I know they are inside me. It feels odd and scary living like this – living thinking one thing one day and one thing the next and not able to have a consistent viewpoint or emotional and rational position. I have been told many times I am “too emotional” and I believe that to be true.