Hello Grenada,

I think you are right. Talking to you is so helpful and also hopefully helps us both.

Thankyou for your description of what drama filled chemistry is like. I do understand and can think of an example like that in my own life. You said about renewing myself and I think this also fits in so well as when you wrote the part about chemistry and drama I thought well the person I loved did bring out the best in me, but also the worst at times, so I need to think on that one. To be honest I felt like I brought out the worst in myself too and in him sometimes so I think the common person there was me. I have alot of healing to do. So much it is hard to know where to begin or if I even have begun at all.

Thankyou for telling me more about your relationship. It sounds like the other person had alot to try and think about eg a racial difference and also identity question. When you say identity do you mean sexual identity or gender identity? Or have I misunderstood? It sounds like you live in a country where interracial marriages or relationships are taboo which sounds awful and so hard to come to terms with as love is love and so I agree, overcoming any society judgement is very much worth it and long overdue.

Do you still look at their page online or have you blocked them on it?

I hope your hike or run goes well. I struggle to get stop my mind ruminating and nature can help that- for me it only seems to work for a short amount of time on the worst days.

Yes, I am still with my boyfriend. The guilt does eat me up every day as does the feeling of not being authentic with him and my feelings. I do care about him and would say I loved him but it seems less intense and emotional to the love I felt for the other person. I also seem to have shut down emotionally in certain intimate situations which makes them harder. I am trying but at the same time my body doesn’t seem to register. Very hard. He is a good and kind and decent person with a good heart eg he is all the things I fell in love with but it is like my heart is shut down and nothing gets through for a time then bam, my feelings are back and I feel overwhelmed by it all. Thankyou for your suggestions about trying to build myself up more. I have times when I have done this eg joined a class or volunteered but it is not consistent and I know that must be the key as I soon go back to ruminating and feeling lost and not seeing the point of being alive etc.

It sounds like you are doing all the things people suggest like exercising, getting outside and connecting with other people. I do have two good friends but they are often busy so I can feel lonely so I think making new friends is a good suggestion and one that may help as I know being around people makes me feel marginally less lonely and more okay.

I hope you are doing okay and can feel less like ruminating today. I know how hard and also how kind of addicting it is to think about the past times I was happy, so I know how hard it is.