Ah I can understand better now. I can see how you have learned and become wise and that kind of emotionally mature. I think it is hard, as like you I lost myself emotionally too at the time (and still to a lesser degree now) so when strong feelings are involved it is hard to be rational and wise and feel all those things when your heart is saying “just be together”. I can see about the judgement about her being cruel too. I felt that and was told that about myself, along with b***** etc etc and I was. I look back now at how I acted and I feel so so sorry for everyone concerned and can see how much my actions were just selfish and manipulative. Weirdly me and the person also felt very similar in terms of teenage emotional experience, need for deep connections etc but also different too. In some ways I felt like he was an older and wiser mirror and I think that is why he stuck around for a while trying to get me to change my mind as he could see I was torn and because he had been there and done that in terms of relationships he had alot more perspective. One of the things he said was “jump, and life will sort itself out, you will see” and “you aren’t as stuck as you think you are”. He had experience of life sorting it itself before and taking risks and going for them and I felt and still feel like so scared and so weak and cowardly for not being able to do that at the time. I did not trust him or life enough. He kept saying “trust me” and feeling hurt (understandably) when I didn’t. It has shown me areas to work on definitely, just hard to actually accept that my lack of learning and fear has led me to lose him and hear about his marriage and kids etc which has been very very painful. I keep thinking back to the whole loving him enough to want him to be happy and sometimes I feel that and sometimes I don’t.

Thankyou for your advice about my relationship. I think there is alot of work to do in terms of focusing on strenghts and actually figuring out what I want to do as a person.

You say you had a relationship coach and other coaches help you? Were you a life coach before you met L? Or in training? I think the compassionate perspective you have is really strong and loving as it would be easier to judge and feel mad. I certainly felt that way when he got married (though mad at myself for being too cowardly) and I think that is what makes it hard now. I can’t not like him or think badly of him as he did nothing wrong and so it is myself to blame and I feel so stupid for not acting at the time. I guess that is life. And is the path of life. It just sucks in some ways as I felt I waited a long time to meet someone like him that I clicked with so much easily .. like years .. and I don’t click with many people in life at all – hence the 2 friends, so I doubt if I would find someone else and even if I do it is not him and sometimes my heart just wants him.