Dear Cali Chica:

Emotion: anger.

Behaviors:

1. “saying the same thing over and over”.

2. talking in a “frenzied tone and pace”.

3. saying: “I can’t take these people treating me this way- and I know it will be of no use if you say something.. and her crazy sister in laws has called me a whore”.

4. “then we talked about the concept of how you can’t change these people.. and let things go in the sense of protecting myself.. He also said.. I said… He says that he totally understands, but he doesn’t expect me to come…”

My input: nothing wrong with your behaviors in #3 and 4, nothing at all. Sure it would be nice if he came home after a terribly long day at work to a calm and content wife- and you would have preferred yourself to be calm and content, but things happen that are outside of your control and some of those things understandably  and naturally activate anger.

You wrote that you don’t like to be fake and I wrote to you that it is not an option for you, that was regarding his family members- but it applies also to your behavior with him, with your husband. You shouldn’t try to fake calm when you are angry, or content when you are distressed.

But here is something you can do so that you are true to yourself, authentic and considerate of the fact that he had a terribly long day: #1 and 2: slow down the pace of your talking, don’t repeat yourself, or when you notice you repeated yourself, stop, and adopt a calm voice, a non-frenzied voice.

It is the frenzy in the voice and the fast pace of a frenzied voice that is distressing so much. Say the truth in a calm, controlled voice and you are true to yourself, to him and you are considerate of his emotional health.

anita