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Viewing 15 posts - 526 through 540 (of 1,009 total)
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  • #311857
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    You are absolutely right Anita, and before my outburst yesterday I was going to approach it just the same. It’s that —what happened? The anger couldn’t be controlled- it came out. I validate this anger just like you said above. It is warranted. Even you felt it!

    It’s just that sometimes it feels like it continues to happen back to back. But that’s just life. I do need to work on controlling my anger and letting things go. Not to invalidate my anger, but to cause less self harm. The more I get angry and focus on these other people who are going to treat me bad, as will happen in life, I will continue to give them power to hurt me more than just the words, beyond what it seems, for their actions to perseverate into my mind, and for me to not be able to deal with this anger and lash out to my husband. I must learn to deal with anger.

    #311863
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    By “lash out to my husband” you mean that your voice was raised (yelling), that you kept talking-and-talking repeating yourself, and in a frenzied tone and pace? Do you mean that you blamed him as well for not standing up for you  or not getting as angry himself, anything like that, or more?

    anita

    #311867
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    well it wasn’t that yesterday was a full on lash out in the sense of raising my voice. It was in fact saying the same thing over and over and perseverating over it. Yes frenzied tone and pace. Yes indeed. And then getting angry and saying something like, I can’t take these people treating me this way – and I know it will be of no use if you say something or telling your parents. But it is insane. In what world do you show up to say a thanksgiving and S has done this and her crazy sister in law has called me a whore. He understood completely Felt like I was projecting my anger at the situation out to him, it’s not like he made them act that way or didn’t support me. He had a terribly long day at work and it was the last thing he wanted to come home to, which made me feel bad, but at the same time made me say -something like its not my fault that your family members treated me this way. So then we talked about the concept of how you can’t change these people but learning to like you said be restrained and let things go in the sense of protecting myself.

    He also said that once he found out that those cousins are going to come to the event on Saturday, he didn’t feel like there should be any reason that I should come. I said that this made me feel guilty, because I don’t want it to make it a weird thing that I don’t show up to events anymore if they are coming. He says that he totally understands, but he doesn’t expect me to come to something that’s not important that is acutely right after July when all this happened. That of course in a few months I will go to thanksgiving and all and more time has passed. He expected me to not even attend, it was me who went out of my way to try to approach the situation and think about going to a place I will be triggered. Who would actively involve myself.

    All in all he was very supportive, but it cost him a huge headache that I was projecting my anger the situation to him. It’s true, no one asked me to go to Saturday, it was all self-induced, I guess that is super Cali Chica acting. And self sabotaging.

    YesI think I also felt angry for him not getting angry himself, but realized by the end of the night that he’s learning to not dwell on it because it’s only going to cause him and myself more self harm, you can’t change people who do weird things like that, but if we allow it to consume our evening like we did yesterday then we are the victims and the sufferers. We are.  We were.

    #311883
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Emotion: anger.

    Behaviors:

    1. “saying the same thing over and over”.

    2. talking in a “frenzied tone and pace”.

    3. saying: “I can’t take these people treating me this way- and I know it will be of no use if you say something.. and her crazy sister in laws has called me a whore”.

    4. “then we talked about the concept of how you can’t change these people.. and let things go in the sense of protecting myself.. He also said.. I said… He says that he totally understands, but he doesn’t expect me to come…”

    My input: nothing wrong with your behaviors in #3 and 4, nothing at all. Sure it would be nice if he came home after a terribly long day at work to a calm and content wife- and you would have preferred yourself to be calm and content, but things happen that are outside of your control and some of those things understandably  and naturally activate anger.

    You wrote that you don’t like to be fake and I wrote to you that it is not an option for you, that was regarding his family members- but it applies also to your behavior with him, with your husband. You shouldn’t try to fake calm when you are angry, or content when you are distressed.

    But here is something you can do so that you are true to yourself, authentic and considerate of the fact that he had a terribly long day: #1 and 2: slow down the pace of your talking, don’t repeat yourself, or when you notice you repeated yourself, stop, and adopt a calm voice, a non-frenzied voice.

    It is the frenzy in the voice and the fast pace of a frenzied voice that is distressing so much. Say the truth in a calm, controlled voice and you are true to yourself, to him and you are considerate of his emotional health.

    anita

    #311885
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    got it. I have to step away from the computer for about two hours, but when I come back I actually want to do some exercises in practicing communicating authentic emotions but in a calm way. Assertive communication as you say is this – speaking truth but not frenzied. Perhaps we can make some sort of exercise. I have something in mind. I think that if I practice this in writing for things that are happening currently etc, I will be able to do a better job in the future when it is spontaneous and unexpected as distress can be.

    #311889
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Good idea. I will be here in two hours. Too bad I can’t hear you talk in a frenzied vs calm way here.

    anita

    #311903
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    I know, I was thinking about how I wish it was over phone so we could do it with hearing. Maybe one day! Be back soon!

    #311913
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am back. I know you may have to go in not so long because you will likely be away from the computer or on your walk. There is no pressure to begin any serious conversations right now. You did help me earlier and understanding once again the difference between communicating authentically with frenzy and without.

    I realize a key component is not taking time and space before speaking. When someone is emotional they may spurt out the first thing that comes to mind, which may not even be what they think, it is truly emotional/erratic behavior. It feels impossible sometimes to think that I can control that and change it. But I see that I can.

    Well – The other day I had a huge BREAKTHROUGH  with the mean lady at work, we finally got down to the big issues that were between us. Literally a 3 hour talk. there are many details to that but I will tell you perhaps tomorrow when you are more available, but I was extremely proud in the way that I asserted myself with her, I was matter of fact and confident and objective. I handled it like a champ Anita! And I say this also because when I went home I did not feel guilty, humiliated, ashamed, scared. Nothing. I felt strong and proud and true.

    This was not yesterday being but the evening before. I can see how I have been emotionally overloaded over the past 2 days. What else is new.

    Well – Handling the work lady situation very well, but the one yesterday not so well -frenzied.

    #311921
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am so glad you did an excellent job communicating with the mean lady at work  and felt “strong and proud and true”!

    Regarding anger and ROAR- it will take peeling the roar off the anger- a healing practice.

    There is a problem with my daily walk routine: a big adult cougar has been spotted in my front yard! I am not scared of the many coyotes around or the occasional black bear (cinnamon color really), but a cougar- yes, I am scared. It was pure fear. So I don’t know about walking today…

    anita

    #311929
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    A COUGAR!! Oh my that is true fear!!

    #311931
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am battling my habitual urge to take my walk. You are welcome to try and occupy me with some anger/roar work so that I can avoid a cougar deadly roar IN MY FRONT YARD!

    anita

    #311939
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think I would be more apt to starting the exercise that we spoke about tomorrow morning when my mind is fresh. But for now I want to say a few things.  It is true that my anger is validated, it feels like ever since Fourth of July when the horrific wife came over to my house, and then the whole London thing, my weekly exposure to this lady at work, I am very triggered. I believe you and I listen to you when you say that none of these people are as bad as they seem to me. As I am projecting my mother into a lot of people. When you said that to me I took it to heart, and I do think about that often, especially when someone is bothering me. But yet yesterday it was very difficult for me to snap out of it, I felt like I was in an obsessive trance unable to let the concept go. As you actually stated, frenzied speaking and repeating the same thing over and over. If I had videotaped myself and I wash it now I would say that I looked like quite a crazy person. Using the word crazy to mean frenzied and not composed. Yes, that is exactly how I felt. I am not judging it. Just saying the reality. The most harmful thing for my husband, the most distressing thing is this frenzied behavior.

    #311949
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    ALSO- yes I am not trying to show off or be elitist.. But I do believe there is jealousy involved with many of these women and that’s why they spit fire onto me. A shame.

    #311955
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Last one- it keeps occurring to me in segments. Given this reality. It is important I don’t “let down my hair” and be as open with people. That is NOT my innate way. My innate way is to be open friendly helpful and enthusiastic by nature. I am not suspicious and distrusting.

    But. Perhaps CC has to practice some restraint and reservation. Let’s see – I don’t know. I can’t not be authentic.. but there Has to be some changes Anita – I mean look at this all these women and common themes. Their lack of self awareness and a jealousy component.

    #311957
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    It is a good idea to start the exercise tomorrow morning when your mind is fresh. I will be away from the computer for a short while (not going for a walk yet) and read and reply to your recent posts later.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 526 through 540 (of 1,009 total)

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