September 10, 2019 at 10:48 am #311333
I posted the above add on I think simultaneously when you replied, so I just read your reply.
The injustice in your life is that you were born to her and you were stuck with her as a child and you didn’t choose to be born to her and be stuck with her for what felt like eternity, a misery that got formed into you with no choosing on your part
Yes, so going no contact – is not to be born again. It is to say I was born unlucky, and now is my chance to not be lucky, but to have a chance to accept my reality – so that it is not my reality forever, nor that of my future life/children/marriage/ etc.September 10, 2019 at 10:50 am #311337
* Double posting? See my post to you before your latest one.
anitaSeptember 10, 2019 at 10:51 am #311339
I did just see that and replied – see above. I had added on to my post before your reply, perhaps we both hit submit at the same time! I will let you read all and reply before saying moreSeptember 10, 2019 at 10:52 am #311341
Dear Cali Chica:
A second double posting (hope not a third to follow). Re-read my post to you regarding the real injustice, later maybe, maybe read our communication today- there is a lot in it!
anitaSeptember 10, 2019 at 11:53 am #311363
I apologize Anita- They are not double posts, I was adding on to my initial post labelled 10:45 AM at the same time you hit reply, that’s what happened. But I have re-read all of our interactions from today.
You did an excellent job – wow – of going back to so many details that my mother has told me. You are an incredible listener. From my mother’s stories of how people are jealous of her, to how my father wasn’t satisfactory. You pointed out something very important – her CHOICE.
She chose not to work, yes we were made to believe for some time she was incapable of it since she would get so overwhelmed anxious and emotional. But no. She chose not to.
Yes, she chose not to have a larger family, for whatever reason – multiple kids, and large family. More importantly even–is that in TDW example she focused not really on her own children, but extended family. Yes, my aunts and uncles are bad people as well – I know this objectively as I have dealt with them on my own.
But see the narrative was ONLY based on those other people. I would say maybe 85% of my life was complaining and being sad about how our family members were not great to us – how unlucky we are.
I want to actually think about that more, how the narrative was constantly based on these outside family members who were so “tragic.” How WE were unlucky BECAUSE of them.
I’ll leave it at that…my mind isn’t going past this comment at this time..September 10, 2019 at 12:52 pm #311381
Dear Cali Chica:
By double posting I meant that you and I posted at about the same time (maybe there is another term for it), but no need to apologize, not a problem for me. I wanted to make sure we read each other’s posts.
Regarding her extended family members being bad people- I have no doubt that when she was a child a few family members were bad to her, but as an adult, showing off to family members how rich she is, how much she has, that is not a behavior that endears herself to people, family or not. No one likes bragging and showing off.
Soon enough I will be away from the computer, hope you have a good rest of the day (it is soon 4 pm your time, I assume you will be going home soon).
anitaSeptember 10, 2019 at 1:02 pm #311393
You are right. About the bragging and showing off. So very right.
Thank you for today- you did very hard work with me, you – like many times- went above and beyond to try to help me understand concepts by linking in old and new. I want to say, once again, how grateful I am for that effort on your end – and how endearing, special, and unique it is. You are a very special person.
I hope you enjoy your evening today, I assume you have nice pleasant weather.
I am going to read about our posts today, the injustice, the ROAR that continues to try to make the bad luck I was born into – good. And most of all, the reaching deeply to that young Cali Chica and acknowledging her bad luck, validating, and truly understanding it. Saying yes, I was born into bad luck. My childhood was not good. Change the narrative, and I will see clearer.
September 10, 2019 at 1:19 pm #311397
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Cali Chica.
Dear Cali Chica:
The weather changed half an hour ago, suddenly sunny. You are welcome and thank you appreciating me and expressing it- it is very pleasant to read!
Let us continue later then, post anytime. I will shortly be away from the computer and back tomorrow morning.
anitaSeptember 12, 2019 at 6:42 am #311813
I truly have a lot of anger and resentment, at injustice.
I had an outburst yesterday based on this. And it reminded me that it isn’t about my husband or anything else, it is my anger, roar, anger.
I feel a little tired to explain the whole story to you at this time, not that I don’t want to – but I feel tired to type it out. In short, one of my husbands cousins is having a small engagement get together Saturday. It is casual and local and not something by any means a must. Yet all of the other cousins are going now (including yes, that cousin the one with the incident from London).
I didn’t tell you this, but the cousin from London – lets call her S.
So S has a brother, they are my husband’s cousins, both older. S is the same age as my husband roughly, her brother is older, the eldest of the cousins, and thus often looked up to. Her brother is married to a woman named M.
M has had many emotional outbursts and issues with her husband apparently, which I have heard from my in laws, she was diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant with her last child, third child, 2 years ago. So of course an immense amount of trauma she went through. After which psychologically she dealt with a lot of issues with her husband and his family. I know some of it from my in laws, not directly from M of course. M has 3 kids and went through breast cancer and chemo while pregnant etc. Now she is fine, cancer is gone, and kids are all great.
So anyway, in London, S (the sister in law of M) tells me how it has been very hard with M, and her emotional outbursts. She will often come home and curse off her mother (who is the mother in law of M) and she has had so many outbursts. I listened and understood and was there for S when she was telling me this. I put in some input as well, saying its hard to say because I dont know her or her past – but perhaps she is dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety from all she went through with cancer and pregnancy at the same time, and having difficulty coping. S said she isn’t sure because she was like this prior as well, I said oh ok.
Then S tells me this, and says I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell you – but I will:
M comes home one day to her in laws with the kids (S parents house) and starts saying:
CC IS A WHORE. CC IS A WHORE. CC IS A WHORE.
(of course my real name).
I was horrified. My mouth dropped. I said what?!?! WHY?!
S said she has no idea, she wasn’t sure if she was having a true psychotic episode type, or just being crazy or what! I started thinking out loud- wow perhaps it is because i knew M since I was a child through my family so she thinks I know things about her that I don’t. I was so perplexed! But I also knew that I wasn’t really dealing with an emotionally sane person, perhaps M is truly psychiatrically unstable, like a patient I see in the hospital – random outbursts of insanity.
So anyway that’s the background I hear. Let’s say that is 7 pm. I have that info and we all head out in London, the whole group of cousins (M and her husband and the kids are not in London) but of course I knwo that story. S tells me – she has told me this story so I can be careful around M, her sister in law, who she calls a loose cannon. I do appreciate the info at the time.
Now fastforward to the next night, after the wedding reception, and S has that interaction with me, the one I told you all about, her getting angry at me, etc.
So here I am then 1 am, knowing her sister in law literally had an outburst of calling me a whore, and then now S herself lashes out to me (details of that scenario known to you). I was devastated, and when I went back to my room crying it was really about S, and her treatment.
But now as I sat there looking at the messages about the get together Saturday, I was enraged and TRIGGERED beyond belief. Both S and M will be there. And it wasn’t so much that I don’t want to be around them, I constantly kept feeling:
what is wrong with these people, why do they think they can talk bad about me and mistreat me, when all I have done is be kind. Ridiculous. So much anger at them, and then at my husband’s family. So much anger.
Yet I felt pressured (self induced to go to this event) and I said to myself, if I don’t go to this event, then it will be Thanksgiving, I wll have to see them sooner or later. It isn’t about events, it is about the injustice and how people are horrible.
When my husband got home, I was in a terrible mood. Feeling so angry, so so so angry. I did not do a good job of containing my emotions, and I did exactly what I am not supposed to do – project my anger/resentment onto him.
I will stop there. I want your input without more stream of consciousness. And it isn’t about going to this thing on Saturday, I am not even going to go now I decided. It is about the whole thing.September 12, 2019 at 7:15 am #311821
Dear Cali Chica:
First, your husband has too many cousins. Second, S is a Problem, should be referred to as P, for Problem. She may be making stuff up, maybe M didn’t even say what S says she said. Third, your husband, once he heard the story from you, should have confronted S in person and tell her: you said to my wife that she is a whore, how dare you???
S would say I am guessing: I didn’t say that, M said that. So husband says: my wife didn’t hear M says “CC is a whore”, she heard you saying “CC is a whore”. How dare you put the word whore in the same sentence as my wife’s name???
(I am angry at this point, this is my response for now- your thoughts?)
anitaSeptember 12, 2019 at 7:26 am #311825
1) I am pretty sure it is true because M has a history of outbursts.
She had her daughter say once “daddy is hurting me” so that they could go to court and she could have a case against her husband, but the changed her whole mind and was perfectly fine. I know this because my in laws were involved as they are the eldest in the family and are the source of support for everyone. So she is a loose cannon and not mentally stable. She also has history of running out of the house even when taking care of her own children, and cursing and acting inappropriate.
2) I think I do have anger and resentment at my husband at not standing up to S (or Problem cousin)
BUT we have talked about it in detail: and the conclusion was, S is entirely delusional – and saying anything to her will go on deaf ears. She is not someone that has any awareness of how she comes off to others. We both decided it will be useless.
BUT I think I wasn’t exactly feeling settled with it since then…and of course severely triggered when the thought of both of them being in front of me came up, not because I HAVE to be at this event, but more liek what the hell is wrong with these 2, getting off talking crap about meSeptember 12, 2019 at 7:42 am #311829
also – my husband is so burnt out, and all that you know – i frankly think he has no energy left to deal with issues/ esp knowing his cousin S is delusionalSeptember 12, 2019 at 7:42 am #311831
Dear Cali Chica:
If M is a loose cannon, psychotic, of what use is S’s warning to you? How can you prevent M from saying or doing anything at all?
M may be psychotic but S is a… well, a trouble maker. And she had no business (again) pronouncing the word whore in the same sentence as you. I remember she mentioned the word Respect to you back in London, being the eldest cousin- well, she showed you disrespect. And yes, your husband and maybe your MIL or FIL, should have confronted her. Because maybe S respects men (your husband) or elders (his parents)?
-Added: I understand your husband is exhausted, so maybe his parents should next confront this woman, S- but they let things go, you shared, not likely to be assertive…
September 12, 2019 at 8:07 am #311843
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
This was discussed. It was decided by my husband and I that it will be of no use. His parents are the head of a huge household, many aunts uncles cousins etc. Close knit. It will lead them to be stressed, and also someone like S will not respond to this and change, she is in fact delusional. What will be the outcome. In this scenario the truth is: I need to let it go, see her for who she is and keep distance. Focus on not harming myself and husband anymore by giving away power to her.
M is a different story and is now in my eyes as psychiatric patient and I will by all means be extremely distant from her and her children, when I see her at events I will show face but never go out of my way to speak to her and be kind.
Same with S.
I think CC needs to let this go… I am having trouble. I am not good at being fake, and I am not good at letting go.September 12, 2019 at 8:31 am #311853
Dear Cali Chica:
Notice that I felt anger myself as I read your story this morning, the fuller story of what happened in London. Things do happen that understandably activate our anger, even by proxy, in me this morning.
Not all anger is ROAR, in other words, don’t reject your anger, it is within you to stay as it must, being all humans are angry at times.
This “Close knit” family has gaps of distance and conflict, as is probably true in every big family. And so, in the presence of S you can not be the spontaneous person you were that last night of the wedding in London, making jokes regarding S’s date and letting your hair down. So to speak.
Being fake- not an option for you, restrained- yes, but not fake. When you see M and S and whomever else next, don’t smile if you don’t feel like smiling. Don’t inquire about their lives if you don’t care to know. Say “hello” or “good evening” or “your dress looks nice” if you think it does, and that is all. Nothing else.