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This topic contains 564 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 days, 12 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 496 through 510 (of 565 total)
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  • #311221

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Good Morning.

    I thought about this concept of luck over night yesterday, and this morning on my commute.

    I am not unlucky.

    But I act that way.

    Yes, it is unfortunate and perhaps unlucky to have had a mother like mine.  Randomness, unpredictable, unchangeable.

    But unlucky – am I? no.

    Yet, I live my life as though I am.  TDW way of life, if it is over there, it is surely better than what is here.  I have improved in that manner.  Yet, focusing on the negativity of others is in fact perpetuating this cycle.

    Focusing on how bad people are, evil, etc etc.  That is in fact taking away focus on how good my life indeed is, and dare I say it:

    how lucky I am.

    —–

    To shift gears slightly and utilize this concept in regards to my husband…

    Let’s say you say to me: CC, your only job over the next few months is to help and support your husband to heal.  NOT because you damaged him alone, but because you are his partner, and he needs your love and support.

    I say okay.

    Yet, everywhere I go, and in everything I do, whether it is a wedding, grocery shopping, work, the subway – I am occupied by negative thoughts about other people.  People who act with injustice, people who are unaware, people who are irritating, people who are arrogant.  Whatever it may be.  Endless commentary about this.

    So when I arrive home, the predominant thought in my mind is: others.  And bad things about others.

    I now spew this out onto him constantly.  I could be making dinner and he comes in, and I may have a thought about how there isn’t enough time in the day- but others have it.

    We could be running in the park, and I could look at a family and think, oh look at how important it is to have quality family time, do I have that?

    I could be at the grocery store, and see someone only buying the groceries for that evening, and I will think – that is so nice and fresh! I wish I had time to do this.

    Wishing this, wanting that.  This way is not good enough, I want ANOTHER way.

    It will be very important for me, for my own healing, and that to support my husband – for me to not occupy myself on how we suffer in comparison to others.  What would be more ideal for us.

    That isn’t the case right now, I must accept it.  But in the future, and very near future, things may change.

    And in fact, our life is good right now.  Location, my job.  Our limited, but quality free time with the dog.  My husband’s job does tremendously affect the whole picture – but that is not forever.

    I must sink into life as it is now.

    #311227

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    We are emotional beings, motivated by emotions, not by logic. It is that energy-in motion (e-emotion) that drives us. It drives not only our behavior, that is, the things we do and say, but what we think: “everywhere I go, and everything I do.. I am occupied by negative thoughts about other people”.

    Your negative thoughts (those that you don’t end up expressing via the act of talking-to-your-husband or typing-here and those that lead to acts) are motivated by emotion.

    “I am occupied by negative thoughts about other people. People who act with injustice... unaware.. irritating.. arrogant.. Endless commentary”- the emotion that motivates these thoughts, this endless inner commentary, is anger. It is anger about the injustice of life that your mother presented to you in your formative years, and that anger has been formed in your many neuropathways.

    As you observe life in the subway, at work, in the grocery store, wherever you go, images of people enter your brain and the anger gets activated. It is the same anger she introduced to you early on, repeatedly: anger at the injustice of being unlucky while other people are lucky.

    Clearly, the fact that your mother was able to live the five star lifestyle she showed off to others, having a beautiful (I imagine) house, clothes, jewelry, traveling the world, being physically healthy and not burdened with the stress of an undesirable job (she has never worked for a living, not as a married woman anyway)- these things were not enough to make her lucky in her own mind.

    And in your mind, living where many people consider the best place in the world, traveling the world (London, Paris, South Africa, and within the U.S., a skiing resort somewhere- these are the places you visited while communicating with me)- these are not enough to make you lucky in your own mind.

    The reason these are not enough is because there is a yet to be resolved issue- injustice. And anger fuels the search for justice.

    Can you define luck as you understood it from early on, in a stream of consciousness way, maybe?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by  anita.
    #311231

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    It is anger about the injustice of life that your mother presented to you in your formative years, and that anger has been formed in your many neuropathways.

     anger at the injustice of being unlucky while other people are lucky.

    there is a yet to be resolved issue- injustice. And anger fuels the search for justice.

    Can you define luck as you understood it from early on, in a stream of consciousness way, maybe?

    The above bolded, I have my work cut out for me.  Resolving the issue that remains.  I will go with a stream of consciousness now..

    Luck is to be happy, to have good people in life, and to be able to enjoy.  It is to not be lonely and to have caring authentic people that support you.  Luck is having things be light, not heavy.  Luck being that everything isn’t so hard, it means you wake up and live your life and you are happy as is, it isn’t a struggle.  luck is just being yourself and being fine with it, and everything else around also falls into place

    #311239

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “to have good people in life”- Cali Chica the child, describe what good mother looks like, sounds like in the setting of the young girl, Cali Chica, at home, at the dinner table maybe or in the living room while mother and father are at home, in the living room as well, (choose the setting in the home)?

    anita

    #311241

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    describe what good mother looks like, sounds like in the setting of the young girl, Cali Chica, at home, at the dinner table maybe or in the living room while mother and father are at home, in the living room as well, (choose the setting in the home)?

    a good mom is nice, when you look at her face she has good sweet eyes.  she doesnt always yell.  when we eat dinner together we are all happy, and we feel good together. at dinner time we tell nice stories together

    in the living room we have fun and laugh, maybe we watch a movie together and everyone is relaxed, not getting mad and yelling or saying how bad everything is. they have a good soft face and smiling eyes.

    at night time before we go to sleep maybe we watch tv together, it is fun, or we talk about some fun stories.  everyone likes to do that together and mom and dad are not mad at each other

    #311253

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    When I asked you to define luck in my post to you before the most recent, I made the following note to myself, defining luck for myself, not with the intent of sharing it with you. Here is the note I made:

    “My Note (because my mother/I carry the same anger at the same injustice): Luck really is just this: feeling okay, content. Warm and comfortable in a home setting with a calm and smiling, attentive parent or parents, who sometimes attend to me, sometimes not, but their voices are calm and kind and so is the look  on their faces. What is not in this setting is anger, criticism, disapproval, discontent, dissatisfaction, envy, wishing to be elsewhere.”

    After the above note I read a moment ago your own answer: “a good mom is nice.. good sweet eyes. she doesn’t ..yell.. we feel good together.. nice stories together.. we have fun and laugh.. everyone is relaxed, not getting mad and yelling or saying how bad everything is.. good soft face and smiling eyes… mom and dad are not mad at each other”.

    Now, tell me anew: what is luck?

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by  anita.
    #311257

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Luck is – being comfy, cozy and kind. Feeling okay.

    Luck is feeling good and okay and safe.

    #311261

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I agree. Being lucky is feeling “good and okay and safe”, that simple.

    As a child your mother didn’t feel these things (her reference to a wonderful childhood in India is untrue). She was unlucky right there and then. She felt badly as a child and on an ongoing basis. Fast forward she carried this un-luck to you and to your sister (and to her husband and others). So you, the little girl Cali Chica, you were an unlucky child, by definition. Fast forward, you bring this un-luck to your husband and to others, and if you have children, this un-luck will pass on to them.

    Children need to feel safe. Children need to see their parents calm so to be calm themselves. Children need to see their parents content so to be  content themselves.

    And when this is not the reality of the child, the child is anxious and angry and that anxiety and anger lasts a lifetime.

    Unless, you travel back in time, mentally that  is, emotionally, and you reach that child that you were, you sit there with her and you tell her: I see how scared you are, I see how angry you are. I know you feel badly, I know you don’t feel okay. And I know why you don’t feel okay, it is understandable.

    You start there, no longer viewing your childhood with nostalgia, in a way it  was not (like your mother does), but seeing it as it was, an unlucky experience. (The fun times you had then, those were fueled by that life force, the desire to live, occasional joy, but those were the exceptions to the rule, as there always are exceptions, no  one is miserable all-of-the-time).

    More of your thoughts..?

    anita

     

    #311263

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Children need to feel safe. Children need to see their parents calm so to be calm themselves. Children need to see their parents content so to be  content themselves.

    And when this is not the reality of the child, the child is anxious and angry and that anxiety and anger lasts a lifetime.

     I see how scared you are, I see how angry you are. I know you feel badly, I know you don’t feel okay. And I know why you don’t feel okay, it is understandable.

    Fun times were fueled by life force, and just so happened, NOT by any means because my mom had good back then, or that life was indeed good back then, that I was lucky or safe back then.

    Interesting point, and I think that is so key.  So key, and perhaps we have talked about this many times before, but only today we will say this is the work.

    Go back, and see reality not nostalgia.  See the poor, unsafe, scared, hurt child that was indeed – unlucky.

    I will start there.  Reach that child.  I will…In my next post I will write some stream of consciousness

    #311267

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Do reach that child- that child has never left you, she’s been there all along, talking to you. Time to listen to her.

    Added: we did the exercises before, but note: in those exercises there was a lot of the later adjustments the child Cali Chica made, the nostalgia/ make believe life was good for her was in your posts at the time. This time, extract from your emotional recollection the real-life experience then, the experience you have been re-living since

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by  anita.
    #311281

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I will reach that child.  In fact, this is the next step of the journey.  Yes I brought up my husband as the predominant “issue” or “worry” at this time.  But it is this.  This is everything – the work we will do here about this.

    Interesting point about the real-life experience THEN, is my current life experience NOW. 

    Life then was no different.

    I will use the following prompt to access the young Cali Chica who was in fact unlucky:

     I see how scared you are, I see how angry you are. I know you feel badly, I know you don’t feel okay. And I know why you don’t feel okay, it is understandable.

    It is not right that I was born into a world where everything was wrong and bad BEFORE I even took a breath into this world.  Even before I was born there was sadness and badness, so when I was born – I was born into that.  No chance for otherwise.  And how interesting the struggle to constantly constantly keep my head above water, see the good, try to focus on the good times.  There weren’t any.  I was born into bad.

    My mother felt unlucky in her child and had distress, it was false that her childhood was picture perfect, a fairy princess dancing around and then all of a sudden dethroned and thrown down.  No, it was bad to begin with.  I mean, look at my grandmother.  She committed suicide years later – was my mother born into a state of calm and happy? NOPE

    So was she calm and happy? NOPE

    Did she push forth calm and happy? NOPE

    So here goes:

    Dear young Cali Chica,

    I am sorry to break it to you, but life is not going to be easy for you.  You are being born into disharmony.  A child needs happiness to feel happy.  Calm to feel calm.  Safety to feel safe.  You have none of that.  I am sorry for you, I truly am.  I wish you were born into different circumstances – but you are not.  It is a shame.  It is unlucky.

    Now I see you Cali Chica at the playground, it is kindergarten or first grade.  You seem sad or scared to be without your mom.  Well Cali Chica, I know you feel close to your mom, but the reason you feel sad everyday is also because of your mom.  As I told you when you were just born, you were born into unlucky circumstances.  So now you rely on your mother and think of the world of her, – but she is not good.  A real mother protects her daughter, makes her feel good, calm, safe, happy.  Your mother goes out of her way to shake you mentally, to scare you, to remind you the world is bad – not good.  She wants to make sure you are not happy – she wants you to share her burden.  How dare you be innocent and happy, while she suffers.  She thinks you are born to lessen her burden. So that is why you feel uneasy a lot.  It is not because you are close to your mom, and that you are attached to her – it is that you have been uneasy since the day you were born.  It is like a sleeping calm sweet child taken b y a mother ever 15 mins and shaken.  Shaken baby syndrome.

    What a way to develop, shaken – inside to out…

    #311283

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    If you talked like that to a child, be it retroactively to the child that you were, or to any child- that child will in no way be able to hear such things and accept those things, no way. Nor will the child be comforted. Most adults will not be comforted by this kind of reality talk- this is why so many people on this website do not reply back to me when I do point this kind of reality to them. And I know that most will not be back (this is why as I stated many times before: you are an exception, and you are therefore amazing)!

    The child that you were, any child “born into bad”- will think any which way to make believe she is born into good and/ or that she is able to make it good- the latter is what is behind SCC.

    I think that your anger, the emotion behind the ROAR is motivated by this task, necessary for the child, fix the injustice so to make that born-into-bad situation, or fate, into born-into-good situation.

    If mom is mad because other people are lucky and she is unlucky, why I will make those lucky people sorry for being lucky, I will show them, I will… (whatever it is, I am being carried away here with my own emotion).

    Continue..?

    anita

    #311301

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    fix the injustice, ROAR, make the bad – good – keep on keep on trying.

    Let’s continue…

    Here’s more soc/stream of consciousness

    given that you are born into this bad/unlucky – you will have a hard time.  it is not because I think it, I know it.  It is objective and true.  You will try and try and try with all your might, but it will be hard.

    See, you have some happy times – you laugh and have fun, you do have some good memories and fun times at present – but the reality, cold, harsh, truth about your life is that it is sad.  Sad because you were born into it  – I keep reiterating it, because it is hard to believe.  But it is true.

    Hard to believe, because you had nothing to do with this, it was not up to you – it is random or fate – or whatever.

    Now, you will perhaps spend a lot of your life trying to fight this bad, saying NO I will not accept it, see things are good.  Showing your mother this, showing yourself this.  But will you believe it? Probably not.  Because it is not true.

    Maybe you should know that you don’t need to try anymore.  Accept what it is.  Maybe one day you can feel different, but the reality of what you were born into has to be accepted first.

    #311329

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You pointed to the real injustice in your life: “born into this bad/ unlucky… had nothing to do with this”- this is the injustice in Cali Chica’s life.

    The injustice in your life has not been that your mother had a magical childhood in India (she didn’t)  and then her life went down hill when she was arranged to marry and moved to the U.S,  it is not that she (chose to not ) work and therefore had a harder time than wives who did work. It was not that her husband didn’t satisfy her sexually, it is not that hairdresser neglected her in one of those international travels (a trip and companion that she chose). It is not that other people had that jealousy thing (jealousy that she chose to encourage repeatedly by showing off)… it was not that other families in Disneyworld were bigger (didn’t she choose to .. wait six years before getting pregnant again..?), it was not any of these things and so much more that you heard from her.

    The injustice in your life is that you were born to her and you were stuck with her as a child and you didn’t choose to be born to her and be stuck with her for what felt like eternity, a misery that got formed into you with no choosing on your part.

    anita

     

    #311331

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    I am going to add more.

    It is important that YOU did not do anything to get this bad luck birth, to be born into this.

    Your mother said often, our luck is bad, and we had a bad birth.  Well she is right, but she told you in the wrong way – she is responsible for perpetuating any badness onto you.  She was fully responsible, she had the ability to protect you and make you feel good/safe/happy/secure – hence lucky – but she did not.

    You had this bad luck solely because of her.

    You did nothing wrong, but that does not mean the reality is any easier to swallow.  As you grew you focused on good that happened, just like your mother focused on all of the good in her childhood in India.  She left out bad, or injustice, or negativity her parents put on her.  Just like you do/will.  It is more about noticing the reality of it.  You didn’t cause it.

    It is your reality to be unlucky.

    Change the narrative, accept the unluckiness – then slowly slowly you can begin to feel : good/okay/safe one day.

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