Dear Anita,

I had a great acupuncture session I’m feeling nice and relaxed after just as I expected. I am glad to find something that has been working for me. Yoga, massage, and now acupuncture. I see the importance of keeping these things as a routine, for twofold reasons, their therapeutic benefit, as well as having something to look forward to that provides relief, that is very psychologically important as well. Well I forgot to mention of course the most important of all, our ongoing conversations! I’m curious to see what you have wrote, and thought about when we reading my posts. In regards to your last post, how interesting that you wrote that. I thought about it today, the concept of overwhelming guilt and grief for my mother, and now for my husband.  The concept of abuse passing on. But it’s untrue. It’s not that exactly. Now that I actually feel things or at least starting to, I see things with more clarity. Yes I feel sadness and remorse for putting my husband through everything  terrible, but I also forgive myself knowing that this was not a true indication of who I am or that I have a bad heart. I am not overwhelmed by this per se perhaps, but empowered to lift up and continue my own healing. I know that the most important thing in the world for my husband to heal, is for me to heal. For me to continue with kindness and softness, that is most important for all. My ability to feel good and continue to be grounded will be life-changing for perhaps my husband even more than me. That is how sensitive he is to my emotions. I have gotten so used to feeling and being a certain way, yet it would continue to affect the outside person, a spouse. I see that as well. I see how looking back over the last few weeks my husband’s nature, how so many aspects of his now current personality/responses are not necessarily him, it comes from a place of burn out. I recognize that and I recognize how important it is to remind a loved one that what they feel now is not indicative of who they are, it is a rough phase. It is an injury. It requires healing.

I will be going to acupuncture went to two times per week now, I look forward to it, and the fact that I have easy accessibility to the place with my job. Sometimes is does all work out to conspire for healing

Dear Anita,

well said. I shall attend to myself and marriage. Especially given his need for comfort, and his need for MY comfort. I agree a break is a good idea – a pause before proceeding to the next step/chapter.

In fact, our 2 year wedding anniversary is this weekend. How about that! Perfect timing. I will take this long weekend to sink and savor- and beyond that, whatever it is – as long as it feels right.

We can of course communicate anytime via email easily if either us would like to say hello and be in touch as we usually are. 🙂

That makes me smile a big smile. A pause from proceeding on the path, to sink in this part of the path – take in the sounds and surroundings, and to truly love and appreciate them.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

It has only been about one week since I have posted on here, and it feels much longer.  Since then I have celebrated my 2 year anniversary, been to yet another wedding, and have had very important/deep/serious conversations with you on email.

I am ready to return on here, our ritual of speaking on here.

The title of my post today will be:

Keep the peace.

If you go on this website, or any other meditation/wellness website, there is often a central mantra of: keeping the peace, and choosing happiness.

I would read these and gloss over.  Choose peace and happiness? Ha! Of course I would love to, good luck doing that when my mind is infected with poison – and there is the omnipresent mother voice.

I am not avoiding the questions and talks we had via email about my marriage, its just that – as you aptly realized, there was another direction that was necessary to discuss first and foremost – negativity.

My seeing the world and people as monstrous, seeing, as you stated, seeing my mother in those people.

The best thing you could have said to me this weekend was the following:

Peel of the badness from others and gather that badness to where it belongs- your mother

This is everything.

I notice that my negativity, is directly related to attacking – among other things.

Let’s take this wedding on Saturday for example.  Aside from the general reasons it was fun: small wedding, beautiful weather, Manhattan location – here are the specific ones.

I know NO ONE there – minus peripherally knowing the groom, he is my husbands friend from high school and they have loosely kept in touch – I hardly knew the couple.  It was relaxing for me to sink and savor and enjoy being a guest without having any true involvement, as you know it is easy for me to go into SCC role with people I am close to, jumping to help or be over involved, leaving myself to be emotionally exhausted.  Nope none of that.

The other reason, unlike some other weddings we have been to, there was no pre-conceived notions about any person.  Remember the horrific wife from fourth of July, well she is in the friend group of many of the weddings we have been in.  so of course entering those occasions, a tinge of negativity around that person can entirely affect my behavior more than I realize, and lead to negativity towards my husband, whether it be subtle or not.  It can lead to a domino effect – and if I am feeling this way PLUS feeling exhausted, well bam – recipe for attack.

Recipe for attack, a concept I shall keep in mind.  To understand the roots.

So keeping the peace.

Being a warrior SCC leads to negativity that affects who? ME.  No one else.

If I was to call that cousin today and tell her off – what would happen, let’s assume…she would get angry or offended, may tell her mother.  It would involve my mother in law lets say.  Next family event..Thanksgiving.  There would be awkwardness.  It would harm myself, my husband, and my in laws.

A lose-lose situation.

Who suffers, me.  -and those who matter to me.

Instead, if I keep the peace, as in this:

The cousin sent my husband and I a text last week, she sent us some pictures from the event in Maryland we missed at the beginning of the month, and wrote “we had so much fun, but missed you guys – here are some pics, see you guys soon”

I was annoyed, understandably so – look at her acting like she didn’t just act  very meanly towards me…

But what did I do?

Nothing.  No reply.  I didn’t give her a fake one, bc that wouldn’t be authentic, or a mean one.  Nothing.

I kept the peace.

Fighting, going to warrior – always having a ROAR disrupts whose peace? Mine.

It leads to more recipes for attack. Recipe for disaster.

As you mentioned, I am holding on to negativity and seeing people as worse than they are sometimes.  Placing so much emphasis on how bad they are, allowing it to perpetuate the negativity cycle that is the mother voice.  Perpetuating the mother voice.

I know that by doing this, it is surely not helping myself, and surely not helping my husband who is already not able to be as positive and resilient as usual.  He does not need more negative fire in the air.

This was a great lesson and I am glad to have this in my repertoire, I am sure you will remind me again in the future when I tend to see people as perhaps worse than they really are.  And hopefully I can gather the hate and direct it towards where it belongs- my mother.

Glad to be back writing on here.  As you said, we can utilize email when we have more private matters – and of course a great way to keep in personal touch in general.

Dear Anita,

A young child does not doubt god, or the epitome  of goodness.

yes.

I think of your clarification like this.  Kid is told chocolate is bad.  Chocolate is so bad – that if you eat it, it will make you very sick.

Fast forward years later, adult – no longer kid – realizes – it’s not that chocolate is bad, its that so many family members ate 3 pieces of chocolate cake daily, and became obese and had diabetes. This adult knows this now objectively.

Yet, he is so used to avoiding chocolate and feeling it is bad, so if and when he comes across it or is offered, or even eats it – he feels so strange, unnatural, and even guilty!  He may even tell his spouse – don’t eat that!! Chocolate is bad, knee jerk reactions to others as well!

I know it is not the same, but it shows that patterns that are deeply ingrained, told to us by people we deem as good and right as – god.  Well, they are just that – deeply ingrained.

There’s a start…I would like to continue this concept/conversation

Dear Anita,

I naturally felt angry at those OTHERS, how dare they have it so easy! God the injustice!

I see how this perpetuated hatred and anger.  But the funny thing is, it happened even when my OWN life wasn’t bad.

It’s like being there at the altar on your wedding day and seeing someone smiling and thinking — grr look at her she has it so easy.  But then take a step away, if you take a mirror and look at yourself, dolled up, at the altar – ready to get married —wait, you don’t have it so bad do you?

No you don’t.

Consistently magnifying badness of OTHERS  – consistently takes AWAY from any good in my OWN life. 

Key point today.