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This topic contains 564 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 days, 12 hours ago.

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  • #309527

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes empathy has shifted. My mother feels even more distant than say a month ago. A concept more than a person. I know as time goes on that will fade even more and more into the background, and my husband will continue to come more and more into the foreground. Interesting isn’t it, I live with this person every day but just starting to feel true feelings of empathy love and support for him.  That’s how it goes with people with backgrounds like ours. So entrenched with our mothers for so long not even realizing the depth of it until some of that control begins to loosen.

    It’s that roar we talk about, the Roar is power. Wanting to win back my personal power, anger and resentment that I had lost it for so long.  Roar.

    I’m not sitting here trying to analyze why I had one bad night and physical anxiety this morning. There are going to be so many days like this in life. But I mentioned it because it was out of proportion of my week.   Yes the appointment is coming up soon, but to be honest I too think everything will be fine. I’m going because of my medical background and because I’m a type A (A plus maybe) person who likes to do as much as I can and have all information  for everything before I proceed. Knowing I’m proceeding with the least amount of unknown. In reality there really is no true reason to jump to this point already. But I’m glad to go – more so glad to have the time from my job to go!! Now that’s unusual. Time is everything.  These days time is gold to me.

    Anyway listening to this song allowed me to grieve a bit, and find some empathy for my husband, it was his face that came to my mind, it was the mourning of his disappearance of joy. The mourning of the true him, as he no longer recognizes himself. As he is so changed, a ghost of a person.  And now that is not really living, he is not really living. A will help support him and follow exactly what you said in the end of your last post. If for nothing I can be loving and kind. And as they say – love can cure all.

    I will write to you more after my appointment. Have a good Morning.

    #309529

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    The severe insomnia of last night, the incredible anxiety this morning, “physically shaky and jittery. Very odd… out of proportion”- this can very well be a result of a … neural shifting. It is a shock to the brain/body when there is a major shift in neuropathway connectivity. The shifting of focus from the mother to a life where she is no longer a focus, the very shirting from viewing your mother as a person to viewing her as a concept- that is a major shift.

    I am looking forward to read from you when you return, keep yourself as calm as possible.

    anita

     

    #309569

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    One more thing regarding the shifting of empathy- the shift needs be primarily to you, empathy toward yourself first. Never abuse H- but healing is not about drowning in sorrow for your mother-> drowning in sorrow for your Husband.

    It is about feeling/ aiming at feeling empathy for yourself, feeling that you want to do what is right for you.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by  anita.
    #309575

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I had a great acupuncture session I’m feeling nice and relaxed after just as I expected. I am glad to find something that has been working for me. Yoga, massage, and now acupuncture. I see the importance of keeping these things as a routine, for twofold reasons, their therapeutic benefit, as well as having something to look forward to that provides relief, that is very psychologically important as well. Well I forgot to mention of course the most important of all, our ongoing conversations! I’m curious to see what you have wrote, and thought about when we reading my posts. In regards to your last post, how interesting that you wrote that. I thought about it today, the concept of overwhelming guilt and grief for my mother, and now for my husband.  The concept of abuse passing on. But it’s untrue. It’s not that exactly. Now that I actually feel things or at least starting to, I see things with more clarity. Yes I feel sadness and remorse for putting my husband through everything  terrible, but I also forgive myself knowing that this was not a true indication of who I am or that I have a bad heart. I am not overwhelmed by this per se perhaps, but empowered to lift up and continue my own healing. I know that the most important thing in the world for my husband to heal, is for me to heal. For me to continue with kindness and softness, that is most important for all. My ability to feel good and continue to be grounded will be life-changing for perhaps my husband even more than me. That is how sensitive he is to my emotions. I have gotten so used to feeling and being a certain way, yet it would continue to affect the outside person, a spouse. I see that as well. I see how looking back over the last few weeks my husband’s nature, how so many aspects of his now current personality/responses are not necessarily him, it comes from a place of burn out. I recognize that and I recognize how important it is to remind a loved one that what they feel now is not indicative of who they are, it is a rough phase. It is an injury. It requires healing.

    I will be going to acupuncture went to two times per week now, I look forward to it, and the fact that I have easy accessibility to the place with my job. Sometimes is does all work out to conspire for healing

     

    #309637

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    My response from yesterday evening did not reflect under topics.

    Im heading to my procedure. Touch base in the AM

    #309645

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Yes, your response from yesterday didn’t reflect under topics so I wasn’t aware of it until a few moments ago (and I have nothing to add to what you wrote, it is all good). I am glad you are heading to another acupuncture session, excellent!

    I will write you a little later regarding my re-reading of yesterday.

    anita

    #309685

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I wrote above that I will write you “a little later”- well, not today.

    Sunny here, hot, in the eighties. I hope you had an excellent acupuncture session. I think that at this time, it is best for you to take it as easy as you can, take a break maybe from moving forward in your healing work and pause instead. I think that you are at a time and place of pausing before proceeding, attending your marriage, your husband, his desperate need for comfort and relief.

    I think I should postpone the newest study of your thread/ sharing about it for later, let you pause for as long as you need to.

    anita

    #309725

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    well said. I shall attend to myself and marriage. Especially given his need for comfort, and his need for MY comfort. I agree a break is a good idea – a pause before proceeding to the next step/chapter.

    In fact, our 2 year wedding anniversary is this weekend. How about that! Perfect timing. I will take this long weekend to sink and savor- and beyond that, whatever it is – as long as it feels right.

    We can of course communicate anytime via email easily if either us would like to say hello and be in touch as we usually are. 🙂

    That makes me smile a big smile. A pause from proceeding on the path, to sink in this part of the path – take in the sounds and surroundings, and to truly love and appreciate them.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by  Cali Chica.
    #309731

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Perfect timing, definitely! My smile back at you this Friday morning. We’ll stay in touch via email then.

    H A P P Y   W E D D I N G     A N N I V E R S A R Y   ! ! !

    anita

    #311011

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It has only been about one week since I have posted on here, and it feels much longer.  Since then I have celebrated my 2 year anniversary, been to yet another wedding, and have had very important/deep/serious conversations with you on email.

    I am ready to return on here, our ritual of speaking on here.

    The title of my post today will be:

    Keep the peace.

    If you go on this website, or any other meditation/wellness website, there is often a central mantra of: keeping the peace, and choosing happiness.

    I would read these and gloss over.  Choose peace and happiness? Ha! Of course I would love to, good luck doing that when my mind is infected with poison – and there is the omnipresent mother voice.

    I am not avoiding the questions and talks we had via email about my marriage, its just that – as you aptly realized, there was another direction that was necessary to discuss first and foremost – negativity.

    My seeing the world and people as monstrous, seeing, as you stated, seeing my mother in those people.

    The best thing you could have said to me this weekend was the following:

    Peel of the badness from others and gather that badness to where it belongs- your mother

    This is everything.

    I notice that my negativity, is directly related to attacking – among other things.

    Let’s take this wedding on Saturday for example.  Aside from the general reasons it was fun: small wedding, beautiful weather, Manhattan location – here are the specific ones.

    I know NO ONE there – minus peripherally knowing the groom, he is my husbands friend from high school and they have loosely kept in touch – I hardly knew the couple.  It was relaxing for me to sink and savor and enjoy being a guest without having any true involvement, as you know it is easy for me to go into SCC role with people I am close to, jumping to help or be over involved, leaving myself to be emotionally exhausted.  Nope none of that.

    The other reason, unlike some other weddings we have been to, there was no pre-conceived notions about any person.  Remember the horrific wife from fourth of July, well she is in the friend group of many of the weddings we have been in.  so of course entering those occasions, a tinge of negativity around that person can entirely affect my behavior more than I realize, and lead to negativity towards my husband, whether it be subtle or not.  It can lead to a domino effect – and if I am feeling this way PLUS feeling exhausted, well bam – recipe for attack.

    Recipe for attack, a concept I shall keep in mind.  To understand the roots.

    So keeping the peace.

    Being a warrior SCC leads to negativity that affects who? ME.  No one else.

    If I was to call that cousin today and tell her off – what would happen, let’s assume…she would get angry or offended, may tell her mother.  It would involve my mother in law lets say.  Next family event..Thanksgiving.  There would be awkwardness.  It would harm myself, my husband, and my in laws.

    A lose-lose situation.

    Who suffers, me.  -and those who matter to me.

    Instead, if I keep the peace, as in this:

    The cousin sent my husband and I a text last week, she sent us some pictures from the event in Maryland we missed at the beginning of the month, and wrote “we had so much fun, but missed you guys – here are some pics, see you guys soon”

    I was annoyed, understandably so – look at her acting like she didn’t just act  very meanly towards me…

    But what did I do?

    Nothing.  No reply.  I didn’t give her a fake one, bc that wouldn’t be authentic, or a mean one.  Nothing.

    I kept the peace.

    Fighting, going to warrior – always having a ROAR disrupts whose peace? Mine.

    It leads to more recipes for attack. Recipe for disaster.

    As you mentioned, I am holding on to negativity and seeing people as worse than they are sometimes.  Placing so much emphasis on how bad they are, allowing it to perpetuate the negativity cycle that is the mother voice.  Perpetuating the mother voice.

    I know that by doing this, it is surely not helping myself, and surely not helping my husband who is already not able to be as positive and resilient as usual.  He does not need more negative fire in the air.

    This was a great lesson and I am glad to have this in my repertoire, I am sure you will remind me again in the future when I tend to see people as perhaps worse than they really are.  And hopefully I can gather the hate and direct it towards where it belongs- my mother.

    Glad to be back writing on here.  As you said, we can utilize email when we have more private matters – and of course a great way to keep in personal touch in general.

     

     

     

    #311023

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am glad to be back here with you!

    After I sent you the email yesterday I realized I wasn’t clear enough and planned to clarify, so here is my effort to clarify: the origin of your tendency to see the worst in people, that is, to exaggerate their badness, is not in you projecting your mother into them.

    When looking for origins of tendencies and behaviors we have to go back to the very beginning.

    In the very beginning of young Cali Chica, her mother was good. She was as good as god, the epitome of goodness, all good.

    Next god told you again and again and yet again how everyone else was bad.

    A young child does not doubt god, or the epitome  of goodness.

    This is it, this is the very beginning.

    Fast forward, you discover that your mother is bad. Problem is that you still think and feel that everyone else is bad because she told you  so.

    What do you think about my clarification?

    anita

    #311033

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    A young child does not doubt god, or the epitome  of goodness.

    yes.

    I think of your clarification like this.  Kid is told chocolate is bad.  Chocolate is so bad – that if you eat it, it will make you very sick.

    Fast forward years later, adult – no longer kid – realizes – it’s not that chocolate is bad, its that so many family members ate 3 pieces of chocolate cake daily, and became obese and had diabetes. This adult knows this now objectively.

    Yet, he is so used to avoiding chocolate and feeling it is bad, so if and when he comes across it or is offered, or even eats it – he feels so strange, unnatural, and even guilty!  He may even tell his spouse – don’t eat that!! Chocolate is bad, knee jerk reactions to others as well!

    I know it is not the same, but it shows that patterns that are deeply ingrained, told to us by people we deem as good and right as – god.  Well, they are just that – deeply ingrained.

    There’s a start…I would like to continue this concept/conversation

    #311041

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    As your mother pointed to people as being bad to  her, or just having it easy in life, you felt so  sorry for your  poor mother, so empathetic that you naturally felt angry at those people, angry at them for having it easy (the injustice of it!) and/ or for hurting your good,  innocent mother (the injustice of it!!).

    Fast forward,  you spot an indication that a person is selfish or in a bad mood or angry and these things get magnified in your brain into “evil” (a very strong word)  and  narcissistic and psychopaths.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  anita.
    #311057

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I naturally felt angry at those OTHERS, how dare they have it so easy! God the injustice!

    I see how this perpetuated hatred and anger.  But the funny thing is, it happened even when my OWN life wasn’t bad.

    It’s like being there at the altar on your wedding day and seeing someone smiling and thinking — grr look at her she has it so easy.  But then take a step away, if you take a mirror and look at yourself, dolled up, at the altar – ready to get married —wait, you don’t have it so bad do you?

    No you don’t.

    Consistently magnifying badness of OTHERS  – consistently takes AWAY from any good in my OWN life. 

    Key point today.

    #311073

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Other people are lucky, we are unlucky, of course it causes resentment in the hearts of the unlucky. And then, the lucky ones have the nerve to further hurt the unlucky, why… the storm of anger is ongoing that way, going and going.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  anita.
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