Dear Anita,

Good morning.

What I meant about the mean guy is this:

The mean guy can be anyone, it can truly be a “mean” guy/gal – or what appears to be an aggressive or oppressive situation.

I did end up going to the even on Saturday night.  Why? Because it would be a nice night out with my husband and his cousins who I like (yes there are many of them, and 2 rotten eggs should not spoil the whole tray).  And needless to say I had a BLAST.  LIkely the best night I have had in maybe months or a year! Good quality time with girls (his cousins) singing, dancing, and just overall enjoyment – lighthearted and fun.

Now what about the “mean guy” – well Cousin S, came in and of course presented herself as the diva she is, I gave her a fake smile and continued my conversation with the cousin who the event is for/bride to be.  The old me would have felt so awkward about doing that – and the new me DID feel so akward about doing that, but I persisted.  As you said, if it doesn’t feel weird doing it, and if the other person doesn’t notice it, I am not doing it “hard” enough – it is not enough of a change.

It was, I can not say what she thought – but I could tell by the end of the night hours later, the thought must have went through her head: CC is avoiding me/ or  being weird/ or being a B****

Whatever she thought, that’s on her.

BUT I changed my behavior to adapt to the reality of the situation, the reality of how I felt, the reality of who she showed me she is, and I:

minimize distress and maximize calm and contentment

I did it, I truly did!

This is not to say each interaction with a person that may have hurt us in the past will be so simple.  Yes, if we were all cooped up in a living room and not in a vast NYC lounge, there may have been more of an awkwardness/feeling to interact.  But we will cross that bridge when we get there.  First steps are important and valid.

So back to what I wrote:

the mean guy does not have much power as I think. not at all – only in my head.

My sister and I refer to my mother as parrot.  For a few reasons. The visual of an annoying bobble head parrot continuing to peck on your shoulder, pecking and squawking.  It also reminds me of the visual you made for me, and the frenzied bird.  It fits. It also goes along with the omnipresent mother voice.  And lastly, it is a comical visual – and for my sister and I, humor is a large part of who we are – and healing, separately and perhaps together.

So parrot has taught us (me) that the “bad guy” is a large and almighty being.  A monster that takes over the room/a situation/ LIFE.  The monster takes over OUR life.

So in any scenario, the mean lady at work, this cousin – it is insinuated that my ENTIRE experience will be spoiled by this entity. And that NOTHING good can happen, and all that may be good (other cousins there, other good parts of the working day etc) are ENTIRELY overshadowed by this entity/and their energy.

Yes, it is possible…at times. But no – this is not reality.  Nope..

Ironically, who is that monster?! My mother – and yours.

parrot warned us about monsters, but she is the scariest and truest monster of all

An omnipresent being that indeed take over our ENTIRE lives and brains.  Yes, how ironic she scared my sister and I about these sort of beings making them these scary ghouls that haunt us – but in fact she is the biggest monster of all, hiding under the bed, in the close, everywhere and anywhere.

We give these people too much power.  I give these people too much power.

Not on purpose of course, but  because I was trained to give power AWAY.  Never knowing it could be any other way.

Here, take it.  It isn’t mine to keep anyway ….

But it is.  It is mine to keep.  It is the homeless person in front of times square to keep.  It is the president’s to keep.

Personal human power, we all have it – it’s just that some of us give it away more than others.  Some consciously, and many (lik myself) subconsciously.

Last week was an EXCELLENT example of this.  Not one but two examples

1) I utilized assertive and firm communication with an offender at work, and our air was cleared, and I believe here forward our interactions will be more peaceful.  And that is what it is about – finding peace and contentment.

2) The above scenario, I did NOT allow an “offender” to take away any joy from my night or the night of my husband and I. Which by the way, my good mood was contagious, and my husband had even more fun than he expected, good vibes all around.

I asserted myself (both scenarios differently) WITHOUT giving my power away.

See the person as who they really are once they show you, but do not believe them to be a big scary monster with all the power.

They are just another human, and you my dear, are a powerful young woman, don’t you ever forget that.

You have the will to believe, to breathe and live, and lastly to find peace and contentment.  Here is proof.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.