Dear Gaia:

You wrote earlier to me: “about being seen, heard and basically acknowledged is what hit me the most”- you need to be seen, heard and acknowledged for who you are, not for who you are not. This is what I want to do here, to see you, hear you, acknowledge you for who you are. Not for who you are not.

You wrote earlier and in your most recent post about your mother (who has been the most powerful person in your life by far, this is why I bring her up repeatedly):

“she’s emotional, attuned to Others feelings and on the bad side.. easily moved to tears… emotionally expressive and on the bad side… she is prone to be pessimistic, heavy or theatrical.. in her gestures of negative feelings… pity others, stressing that they look depressed or troubled… she clearly would  like me to talk about.. heavy stuff.. I don’t like to feel like some kind of nutcase or internally dark or f*** up… she go act like a psychologist trying to make deep heavy sessions out of people.. I’m already pretty heavy myself and I’d like lighter, positive interactions about life and things”.

My thoughts this morning: what happened basically is that your mother has been those things: pessimistic, negative, depressed, troubled, heavy, internally dark, f*** up. What she did to you is turn a normal, fine little girl into what she is, those things I just typed. Next, she tries to heal you, “like a psychologist”.

So the sick made another person sick and then acts like a psychologist who will make you healthy while all along she is sick and she is the one who made you sick.

I don’t think she intended to do these things but she did it anyway, and still does or wants to. This is why you “dread spending time alone with her”, and “have this repulsive feeling at the idea that she might try to do deep conversations or inquire about me”.

First thing, you have to protect yourself from the mentally ill person in your life who has been playing psychologist to you.

She is not just a person out there who plays psychologist to you- she is the person who caused your psychological problems, or troubles.

Also, in my communication with you, I have to be careful to .. not play psychologist and to focus not  only on the negative heavy stuff, but on the positive, light stuff as well. You need positive and light like you need fresh air, away from the stagnant air of negative and heavy.

Let me know what you think about my reply before I continue, will you?

anita