it doesn’t have the patience to stay present for each one of the steps. It rushes through.

This! I always feel like my brain is rushing ahead and too “fast” for myself to focus on a task such as folding a shirt and putting it away, it is racing ahead – and those small tasks can’t keep up so to speak – making them seem very difficult to do.

Thank you for noting my neat writing.  I am very well aware of my patterns these days.  Not to say its always so predictable.

I know now that about 10 days before my period I truly suffer.  This is PMDD, it is an unofficial diagnosis.  I also know that it isn’t out of nowhere – as I am predisposed to feeling worse during these days given my baseline anxiety and trauma.  I also know that certain months I feel worse during times that are entirely unrelated to my cycle – and that is the nature of the path.

Regardless, understanding PMDD has been instrumental.  My Gyn and I discussed an SSRI for use 10-14 days out of the month.  Some studies have shown immediate effect of these medications for PMDD.  And intermittent dosing allows the brain to have a break from using the medication daily.  As you know I have been on Lexapro in the past for about 9 months.  No clue as to if it helped as during that time – yes THAT time, year before wedding, things were so insane it is impossible to gauge.

I would be open to this dosing of this medication if I do find that this cyclical feeling becomes even more unbearable – and leads to too much suffering.  I am glad to have this option in my “toolbox.”

I notice that even in my writing to you, I am MUCH more frenzied during certain times – sometime they may coincide with this cycle, sometimes of course not, as life happens.  People can be triggering, jobs can be stressful, too many weddings, too many cousins.  Too much of Super Cali Chica.  Too much too much!

As we discussed yesterday, it has been helpful for myself to let go of the concept of “doing more.” To try to reach out and seek more.  Doing less is just what the doctor ordered for me, isn’t it.

It feels nice to know that I do understand now, what you have been saying for a while now – stop seeking. The first step is knowing and understanding, before regular practice.  Then the concept and life changes can be appreciated.

Sink and savor. 

Inner circle. 

Calm the frenzy, don’t rush.