Dear Anita,

Makes perfect sense.  I see how they are 2 different groups – but also intertwined, in the sense of “what makes CC tick.”

The combo of what made mother happy and what made CC happy being difficult to differentiate, and even when differentiated, much overlap.

After I typed that out to you  I was able to have some clarity:

There are of course changes that come with maturity and adulthood, and it is natural to miss that “younger carefree time with friends” the times that I used to walk over S’s apartment in Philadephia after a long day in med school and we would cook some noodles and chat for hours on end – true quality time.  Of course we all miss our friends, because the older we get the more our priorities change.

I think it is funny that we brought this up – as just a moment ago S texted me and said: so what’s the birthday plan?

My birthday is Oct 7.

I think most people – including MYSELF- are used to me having a birthday party, people, fun, drinks, music – a fun affair.  I think I am getting used to the idea that I now do enjoy quieter times.  Such as spending the weekend at the beach with my husband and the dog, or my sister as well – or perhaps a friend or 2, but not a huge plan.

It was ironic she texted me that, as it brought our whole conversation into play.  I replied to her:

“not sure yet, but no big plans this year.”

I thought about how instantly I took this question to feel pressured…Oh she’s asking me maybe i should invite her to nyc and have a get together for my bday.

But when I thought about it again I said: what does CC want? She wants no big plan.  So I realize it is just a friend being kind and asking.

Any pressure related to the scenario is self induced because CC has been focused on outer circle for so long.  And that is okay.

It is all okay.