1. I’ll start with more light things, things easier to admit: to this very day, I always had devastating exagerated heartbreaks over crushes that I didn’t even really know. Generally steming from some of my friends (when they still knew who I liked) trying to convince me that the infatuation was mutual and then, feeling it was not the case. The rare times I totally got obsessed with someone, they were already with someone else and god it made high school and this very summer devastingly painful. I could never admit such a thing to my friends unless I’d want to be seen as a nutcase. Also I felt multiple times humiliation in public, once they had to repeat instructions over something to me so many times that at the end, they yelled. I often do words salad in public or impulsively say things that don’t really make sense, or make very dumb mistakes out of impulsivity or absent mindness. More than once I had some serious panic attacks in front of people that were already annoyed with me to start with, my nasty habit to twist and observe my hair could neither stop in public and people picked it up a loot of time, people asking me why I never seem to be dating anyone and stuff, and I have to admit that I never had sex with anyone. And when I’m alone by myself, it gets even more cringier. Almost morbid. Please don’t ask me to continue

2. It’s not 1 conversation in particular we had but I can tell you what stuff had the most impact on me: the same cringy feeling I have in admitting to other people about my love life I have with her, and she once said I should hurry up cause time go fast and I’ll miss out on life, gosh it gave so much anxiety. Whenever me or my sibling (who always was a big asshole to me by the way) had issues or negativity she only make it worse by starting to crying or getting anxious instead of being soothing or more objective. It just gets exhausting after a while. It’s not something in particular, it just she vibes she gives, too sentimental and dramatic. I may sound mean phrasing it like this, but I can’t help it. However I have to admit that she generally also tries her best in trying to be supporting or positive, only sometimes she’s successful

3. When me and my sibling were kids she often lamented that she wished we were closer instead of fighting all the times, cause she always wanted a sister and she couldn’t have it. She often made other comparisons that we didnt like at all

However, I don’t know if she doesn’t like me. When I was kid and in my teen years she was really affectionate and we were very close. She always explictly cared about my wellbeing and admit my positive sides or good traits. So yeah I think she loves me but what she doesn’t understand is that her personality can repel people and not bring them close as she wished and that she should be a lot more self aware in her life