September 29, 2019 at 10:05 am #315023
About your questions:
1. I don’t really feel comfortable going into depth about most of my weird habits, it seriously make me cringe so much sorry.
2. Well, she’s very emotional and simply too much at times, even on trivial stuff so simple small talks aren’t enough for her. She wants to talk about feelings and deep stuff that itself is not a bad thing but done by her can make you roll your eyes because she can’t simply chill and exagerate stuff in my opinion. I remember as a child she at times did melodramatic gestures or acting out and I don’t know, I can’t exactly explaining it.. maybe it’s simply that I don’t feel opening up to her cause I link in a period in which we were very close cause I expressed about my ocd and so, to a period that was very dark for me and that I wish to move past from.
3. She often laments that she had no sisters growing up so that’s why she wanted daughters and I guess in her mind her daughters aren’t exactly how she dreamed them to be.
let me know if you want more detailsSeptember 29, 2019 at 10:45 am #315035
Regarding #1: “I don’t really feel comfortable going into depth about most of my weird habits, it seriously make me cringe so much”- fine, I accept your assertion. But notice: you are cringing already, without sharing a single thing with me about what makes you cringe. So you cringe and keep cringing just thinking about those things. Sharing will probably make you cringe less.
Regarding #2: please type a conversation you had with her that repulsed you, a conversation that made you dread having another one like it. Paraphrase it (I figure you don’t remember such exactly)- what did she say, what you said, what did she say and so on.
Regarding #3: “her daughters aren’t exactly how she dreamed them to be”- what did she dream of a daughter to be?
– also: she doesn’t really like you, does she?
anitaSeptember 29, 2019 at 11:30 am #315043
1. I’ll start with more light things, things easier to admit: to this very day, I always had devastating exagerated heartbreaks over crushes that I didn’t even really know. Generally steming from some of my friends (when they still knew who I liked) trying to convince me that the infatuation was mutual and then, feeling it was not the case. The rare times I totally got obsessed with someone, they were already with someone else and god it made high school and this very summer devastingly painful. I could never admit such a thing to my friends unless I’d want to be seen as a nutcase. Also I felt multiple times humiliation in public, once they had to repeat instructions over something to me so many times that at the end, they yelled. I often do words salad in public or impulsively say things that don’t really make sense, or make very dumb mistakes out of impulsivity or absent mindness. More than once I had some serious panic attacks in front of people that were already annoyed with me to start with, my nasty habit to twist and observe my hair could neither stop in public and people picked it up a loot of time, people asking me why I never seem to be dating anyone and stuff, and I have to admit that I never had sex with anyone. And when I’m alone by myself, it gets even more cringier. Almost morbid. Please don’t ask me to continue
2. It’s not 1 conversation in particular we had but I can tell you what stuff had the most impact on me: the same cringy feeling I have in admitting to other people about my love life I have with her, and she once said I should hurry up cause time go fast and I’ll miss out on life, gosh it gave so much anxiety. Whenever me or my sibling (who always was a big asshole to me by the way) had issues or negativity she only make it worse by starting to crying or getting anxious instead of being soothing or more objective. It just gets exhausting after a while. It’s not something in particular, it just she vibes she gives, too sentimental and dramatic. I may sound mean phrasing it like this, but I can’t help it. However I have to admit that she generally also tries her best in trying to be supporting or positive, only sometimes she’s successful
3. When me and my sibling were kids she often lamented that she wished we were closer instead of fighting all the times, cause she always wanted a sister and she couldn’t have it. She often made other comparisons that we didnt like at all
However, I don’t know if she doesn’t like me. When I was kid and in my teen years she was really affectionate and we were very close. She always explictly cared about my wellbeing and admit my positive sides or good traits. So yeah I think she loves me but what she doesn’t understand is that her personality can repel people and not bring them close as she wished and that she should be a lot more self aware in her lifeSeptember 29, 2019 at 11:59 am #315047
I will be able to read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer, either in a few hours or in about 18 hours from now.
(If you have anything to add, please do).
anitaSeptember 29, 2019 at 3:21 pm #315065
I read #1 and appreciate that you did choose to share with me. I started a couple of replies but I know I am not focused and it is not a good idea for me to reply this afternoon (my time). I want to let you know I don’t think of you as freaky, or weird, because of what you shared, not at all, not even a bit. I understand these things make you cringe. These things you listed do not make me cringe.
I will be back in about 13 hours from now.
anitaSeptember 30, 2019 at 6:06 am #315117
today is my first day in my new rent. I’m trying to be optimistic but I’m a bit anxious. Living around my peers was always triggering to me, I’ll write about my new lifeSeptember 30, 2019 at 6:40 am #315125
Today, Sept 30, 2019 is the first day that you live away from home (Mon-Fri)?
May this be the first day in your New Life!
My comment regarding your new situation:
You are inclined to think that you are abnormal your peers are normal, that it is hard for you to interact with others but your peers do so effortlessly.
This causes a separation in your mind, you vs peers. This is how I too viewed my life your age: myself vs peers. I found out later in life that it only appeared that they were normal and lived life effortlessly: we are so busy criticizing ourselves and worrying that others are criticizing us, that we don’t notice that others are also busy criticizing themselves and worrying that others (you included) are criticizing them.
You are not an abnormality walking around among the normal, your life being so difficult while others live effortlessly. Many are pretending to be confident, many are hiding their anxiety best they can. You are not alone there, being one of your kind.
When you find yourself stuck in your head, feeling dizzy maybe, disassociated- pay attention to your body, move your focus from your over-thinking or exhausted, hazy brain to your body. If you are walking pay attention to each foot as it hits the ground, pay attention to the feel of a book in your hands, the color of a tree you are approaching on your walk, the sounds around you- shift your focus to one of your five senses. This will give your brain a rest.
Do not pretend anything, keep minimal social interactions going: please, and thank you, asking for what you need, basic stuff. Don’t try to act like any persona you ever tried to be. Take it easy today. Remember: your peers are focused on themselves, not on you.
Regarding the rest of your post yesterday, I will reply to it when you are ready, let me know.
anitaSeptember 30, 2019 at 7:40 am #315133
Yes you can reply anytime you wantSeptember 30, 2019 at 8:44 am #315163
#1, you started with “light things, things easier to admit”, which were the following:
1- You had “devastating exaggerated heartbreaks over crushes (you) didn’t even really know”, getting “obsessed with someone” who already had a girlfriend.
2. You felt humiliated in public multiple times, ex.: you didn’t understand a person’s instructions, so he/ she repeated those to you many times, eventually yelling at you.
3. You often “say things that don’t really make sense”, having “words salad” in your brain.
4. You make “very dumb mistakes out of impulsivity or absent mindness”.
5. You had “some serious panic attacks in front of people that were already annoyed with me to start with”.
6. You “twist and observe (your) hair” in public.
7. People asking you “never seem to be dating anyone”, and you having “to admit that (you) never had sex with anyone.
My comments on the above: when a child/ teenager is very distressed and isolated, and as a result she disassociates much of the time, living in her head, overthinking and fantasizing, instead of interacting with people, socializing- her development is arrested- cognitive and social. It requires a different kind of thinking to fantasize than it does to socialize with people in real life. This is why you find yourself not knowing what to say and do when in social interactions. You didn’t develop that way yet.
In social situations you find yourself unprepared and you panic- can’t think straight, can’t follow instructions. I had great difficulties following instructions myself. In college if the teacher didn’t speak slowly and in a very organized fashion, I wasn’t able to understand what she was saying. When reading a text book I wasnt able to understand what i read, so I re-organize what I read into notes, taking hours to be able to understand a chapter.
Distressed and disassociated we don’t develop well, not cognitively and not socially- the two are connected. Feeling incapable to do things others do well makes us feel inferior. We panic, we get impulsive, filling in the emptiness of not knowing what to say with saying anything that comes to mind and then feeling badly for saying the wrong thing.
If this is how you feel, like I felt, let me know.
#2- your mother told you that you “should hurry up cause time go fast and I’ll miss out on life, gosh it gave me so much anxiety”- it is indeed a bad idea to rush an anxious person. An anxious person needs an attitude of calm and patience, not being rushed!
“Whenever me or my sibling.. had issues or negativity she only make it worse by starting to crying or getting anxious”- again, an anxious person needs the attitude of calm and patience (“soothing or more objective”, like you put it). Your mother’s reactions increased your anxiety, made it worse.
“I may sound mean phrasing it like this”- this is your unjustified guilt, telling you that you are mean when all you are doing is stating the truth. And stating the truth is what you need to do so to heal and live a better life.
#3- your mother said that she wished you and your sibling were closer “instead of fighting all the time, cause she always wanted a sister and she couldn’t have it”- I see what you meant before when you said she made things about her, not about you, projecting her feelings and her needs into you, not being aware therefore of who you were and what your experience of life was like.
You wrote that she “doesn’t understand ..that her personality can repel people and not bring them close as she wished and that she should be a lot more self aware in her life”-
– wish her to be more self aware in her life, but don’t wait for her to become more self aware ad change her personality. This is very unlikely to happen. As you engage in the process of healing and changing yourself, you will see how difficult it is to change. So no wonder most people don’t- it takes too much work, intention and attention, and too much time.
And so, take on that new life project, not pretending to be this or that, but setting the objective of becoming your true self over time, developing that cognitive and social ability that has been arrested for years by interacting with others.. cautiously, a bit at a time, slowly.
Your hope is not at home. I understand that you will be there on weekends and that you don’t plan on ever not being in contact with your mother- okay with me. Point is, make a separate life for yourself, separate from your mother. She didn’t help you to become you and she will not.
So find other people, other places- to become your true self.
anitaSeptember 30, 2019 at 10:32 am #315199
I must admit reading “development arrested- cognitive and social” about myself make feel like shit. Or better, I am thankful for you and how you’re helping me seeing the truth about myself but those words hit me at the core so much. How can I unblock this development? How can my brain stop being this way?September 30, 2019 at 10:44 am #315205
I didn’t predict you will feel like s***. I thought you might feel better because where your development was arrested, or stopped or significantly stagnated, it can resume, just as happened in my mind/heart/ life, just as it is still happening.
“How can I unblock this development?”- change your daily routine so you spend less time alone, overthinking and daydreaming. Make physical exercise part of your daily routine, maybe a long one hour walk per day. See if you can take a yoga class, or an acting class in university as part of your weekly routine, let’s say 2- 3 times per week. An acting class will be wonderful for you, with the right teacher, interacting with other students and the teacher. Make a balance in your daily routine between time with other people and alone time- you will need enough alone time to recover from socialization.
“How can my brain stop being this way?”- brains don’t just stop being this or that way. Over time you change habits, you learn things that matter (how to regulate your own emotions, how to socialize, how to thoughtfully choose your behavior).
You can’t magically change your brain. Changing is way slower than it is in fantasy. Daydreaming you can make anything happen and fast! In real life, you can make some things happen and very, very slowly.
Gaia will need patience, lots and lots of patience with how difficult and slow things are in reality vs fantasy.
anitaOctober 2, 2019 at 9:45 am #315579
I may not be active on this thread for a while because things are changing a bit around me and the routine I had til these days is changing too and I’m trying to adjust to all of this. I’m trying to befriend myself better and listen to my own guidance in everyday life. But I’m going to repost sooner or later and I’ll share my ideas on your post after thinking it through fully and I’ll share perspective on my new challengesOctober 2, 2019 at 10:04 am #315587
I appreciate your note, appreciate you not disappearing without a word. I wish you well in your aim “to befriend myself better and listen to my own guidance in everyday life”, and am looking forward to you reposting sooner or later, when it is convenient for you and if and when you want to, of course.