Dear Anita,

Good evening.  I am not sure if you will read this after you post your own reply, or before.  Regardless, I wanted to say some things to you in regards to our conversation today.

1) I don’t want to get too bogged down by the concept of S.  See ,when I write about it I think it seems to be a much bigger thing or “issue” than what it really is. She herself is no issue at all, and a dear friend.  Yet, if the concept of S leads to a talk about friendship, pressure, human behavior, etc – then yes, by all means it is a fruitful use of our time.  I do not want to make either of our heads spin with conversation that isn’t useful or a win-win for our paths.

2) When I brought her up I didn’t mention a key aspect.  She has loads of free time in comparison to me, as well as most of the other people I know.  I bring this up because I – in my life- have been very accomodating  to people who have much more free time, figuratively and literally – than my ownself.

Exhibit A: my mother

Endless amount of time, didn’t work – no true friends – no real hobbies.  Constantly occupying herself with housework and drama.  Now, I made myself readily available, downplaying my own busy-ness, priorities, and needs.  Hence, I never learned how to make these aspects of my life a reality for me.

This is a key point that I did not touch on earlier, as it only developed in my brain as I went through my day and came home and observed myself.  I am a busy person.  Objectively.  By the nature of my career, by the nature of my personality and what I take on.  It does not mean I am better or superior, just someone with a full plate.  This isn’t even touching on the healing path – this is just baseline life.  I have not been able to truly realize the depth of this.  Isn’t that almost funny! Like floating on through a life filled to the brim, over 10 years of rigorous medical training, and much more – but always quick to make time, and ensure that no one feels that I don’t have time for them.

So this is the habit, I want to always make time for others – and never be too busy.  Being “too busy” seems wrong.

I feel guilty being “too busy” for someone.  Major guilt.

And it stems from the under

But that is the thing, I don’t have to be “too busy.” I just have to be myself.  “too busy” is a silly useless term that has no meaning.  The reality of it is that I am busy, and for lack of a better term.  I don’t particularly like the term busy as it has become so colloquially used to infer that someone is more important than another, or that they don’t want to make time.  But there are objective inferences, as you likely understand. And today it made sense.

Myself is:

Someone who has a full plate, objectively, and beyond. So yes, I don’t have much time outside of what is truly important. Nope, I don’t.  My friends/colleagues who have similar full plates for a variety of reasons don’t have much difficulty understanding and enunciating this about themselves.  But I do.  And this is apparent to me today.  I will learn to appreciate this, and feel comfortable with this, and be able to appreciate this part of identity now.  What part? The fact that I don’t have time to waste. I don’t have brain capacity to over fill with business that is not important to me.  It is really true. It really is!

I must Not diminish it, but own it.  Own it.  Own the reality.  This is a key point, that pertains to S, but more so, all of life.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.