Dear Anita,

Good morning. You are absolutely correct there were multiple women that irked  me in July. Some of whom did things that were new and acute that were irking me at the moment, like the wife of the friend, and of course the beloved cousin. Sarcasm noted if you can’t tell LOL. It is interesting that you read this and brought it up, because last night when I was writing my last post, which perhaps you will finish this morning, I was thinking a lot about the concept of assertive language. I am so glad that this was brought up for me this summer, because it was such an important time for me to start learning how to assert myself. It first started with the true definition of what assertive means, and changing my own definition. And second, putting it in practice. Ongoing practice as we speak

It’s only been a short amount of time since July, but I was assertive with the mean lady at work, and it has transformed our interaction, and has made it more of a win-win truly. Bravo This is excellent. As far as the girl D, I had no interest in continuing a friendship with her, and looking back, the timing of my email wasn’t ideal, but I am glad I put something out there. She is someone who has no awareness, and does not seem to care how she comes off to others. I don’t need people like that in my life anymore. When I was younger we had some good memories, and that is fine it is the past. Done.

Cousin we already spoke about, no need to expand further. not worthy of anymore mental space.

My mother has shaped the way I interact with others. My mother has shaped the way I diminish what I truly need. There is an article on tiny Buddha this morning that I read, as I mentioned to you every once in a while – I do find some of these helpful. Usually parts of them. It talks about empathy, and how when you are an empathetic person you often have to shield yourself from harming your own self. The first quote on this article has something to do with, how an empathetic person doesn’t ask the other person what their wounds are, they quickly become wounded themselves.  Well put, and quite a strong statement. This actually is relevant to what I’m going to say.

A lot of my conversation with you over the last two days has to do with this, when it comes to friendship. It’s funny that it doesn’t really correlate to marriage, which I will expand on a little bit later. If you ask my sister, especially, my mothers entire world was about friends. She desperately sought out making friends, and made it so that we would. That her daughters would go out there and conquer friendships. One of her biggest accomplishments In her own little peanut sized brain was that her daughter, me was so well liked, and had such a great social circle. It made her feel like she had one herself, and it is something that she was unable to do. We know this.

So back to the present, to expand on what I wrote last night, I have done a terrible job of knowing my own needs, and understanding how much I have on my own plate. It’s like walking around the world with a 25 pound dumbbell on your neck, and smiling, and when someone comes up to you and says hey, aren’t you tired you have so much weight on your neck, I say, oh that’s no big deal I’m used to it.   I respond this way not because I’m being fake, but because I am truly used to it, and have no idea that I am allowed to remove that weight, or that more importantly, in time if I allow, that weight can slowly dissolve.  That life isn’t about walking around with a 25 pound weight and being able to juggle everything and manage everything. Life is about being able to have my own freedom, and that it is possible to walk around wait for you, and a non-concept. So if you ask me again do you want to take off that weight, I would say, I don’t think I can it’s just a part of who I am.

False! See that’s it right there!

I never took even one second to assess what was going on in my own life.  And give it credence. Never had the chance, never knew- no idea. Here’s a small and perhaps silly example, S had started dating this new person about a year ago. She is quite new to the serious dating world even although she is in her late 30s. She had a small argument with her boyfriend, and I remember her texting me one afternoon about it. She wasn’t saying anything alarming,  she was just talking, it wasn’t like she was reaching out to me and saying help!It was as normal of a conversation about something like that as could be. But what did I do? I was in the middle of work at the hospital at the time, and I truly remember myself going into a corner during the 10 minute break I had, and spending at least five minutes of them texting her back. Giving her my input and making sure I was there.  Now let’s look at the background scenario, I was working about a 12 hour day in the hospital operating room, out of that the amount of time I had a true break to myself was probably a total of 20 minutes. Above as seen was about 10 minutes, half the time. I took it upon myself to send her a text back about a small fight she was having with her boyfriend, making that a priority for myself, not because she asked me to. I sacrificed perhaps drinking water and getting nourishment in order to make sure that I was there for her. Crazy!

sound familiar?

I have gotten so used to doing this with the mother, that I extend this extreme priority to everyone. The thing is, it goes back to some of the other things we talk about these days, power. Sometimes it feels like I don’t even have power over this! As it has become such an ingrained habit, and I don’t know any other way.  In the scenario above, there was nothing of urgency, I could have read the text and decided to reply later. Anyone else would, literally probably anyone else.  I wasn’t mad that I did that, it was just my way. Like the 25 lb weight, that’s “just me.”But if you see this panning out, let’s say I did this every single day for two weeks, you better believe that by the end of the two weeks I would have much bigger headaches by the end of the day, more exhaustion, mentally at least. It is because I have given myself zero mental space throughout that day.  None!

So this is the big thing. The reason S came to mind is because out of all my friends she has the most free time, she’s not very busy at work, she’s yet to get married and has no kids. Which is fine, but she has a lot of free time to reach out to people and talk. It doesn’t matter if it is S. It’s not about her at all.  The point of the story is that I jump to these sort of things as though they are urgent priorities.  I do it.

Let’s fast-forward a few months from the story I just told you above. It is February 2018. I am working in a different hospital right now about 10 hour shift and one hour drive home. One of the busiest hospitals in New York City, and perhaps the whole country. There are literally alarms going on all around me because patients are in dire conditions.  Does it sound like a movie or a TV show? Yes, but a lot less glamorous.

Anyway, I now get a phone call from my father. OK. Now another one. Now a text, now a barrage of text.  So of course, in this scenario unlike the prior one with the friend, I do truly believe that this is an urgent priority. Because my father is MAKING IT ONE. I drop everything and step aside and call him.

You know about the story, Anita it is the infamous one. It is Feb 13,2018.

It is interesting how I can Talk about it now as though it is history. As though it is a chapter in my book.

I call my father back and first thing I say is, is everything OK? I have had so many phone calls and text messages it seems like an emergency.

my father starts off with: ok well…..

I immediately know it is not an emergency at all, but just another manipulative tactic. Just like when my mother put up my father to pretend he was having chest pain just to make sure that her daughter was someone that would run in the middle of night to her. Nice trial right?

So as you know the rest of that story or perhaps I will refresh you, my father started talking about how my husband and I should not relocate to the other side of the country, and only bad daughters do this, and look at all of our cousins, all of them have stayed close to their parents. All of the parents are getting older and they will need the help of their children, us, in their old age. How selfish we are to even consider that. My mother screaming in the background. So much more to that story.

insanity.

2 PM on a working day in a terribly busy hospital, and he decides to start this Shakespearean monologue.

I keep my calm, when it comes to certain things I am excellent at keeping my calm, I will never allow my emotions to take over when I am in the workplace as my patients will always come first and I have become excellent at being able to focus on that above all – clearly an important learned tactic in this life and time for me.

I say to my father, you are a physician, as am I, and if you can’t hear there are alarms ringing all over me, do you think that this conversation is that can wait until the evening when I am home from work? I say each word loud and clear seething with anger and frustration about to blow the kettle -talking to him as though I was scolding a two-year-old.

he sounds all scared, Like a two-year-old who just bothered his mom at work. He goes on about well, you know these things are important…my mom still hysterical in the background.

Then I’ve had it I say, I have to go I will call you on my way home. I know at that very moment that when I call these people back, people, not parents as they no longer feel like parents – it will be the last time I ever talk to them again.

——

Anyway, I know I got carried away with that last bit, but it felt good to write it out again, this time as more of a historical anthology. Wow a lot of time has passed hasn’t it.

So, to wrap things up, I have not been given the power to say I am busy and I don’t have time for this. Perhaps a better word would be assertiveness, or awareness of my own life. I haven’t had power over my own life and how to spend my time. What things to respond to immediately and what things not to respond to immediately. Or better put, what people and situations to respond to immediately and what not to. Everything is now!

My father acted like a lunatic, And I promptly responded to him. My friend S didn’t act like anything at all but I still promptly responded to her. I promptly respond so often, but not to my own needs, or that of my husbands. There is something extremely wrong with that and a huge tide has to change in order for me to get back to what I need. Or not get back to – learn in the first place!!

It goes back to the roar and the power, I want that power to focus on what I need. Power that was stolen. I want it back! And I’ve been working on it, ever since July I’ve been working on it loads, I see the difference in myself, you also see the difference, you see the progress, and it will be ongoing work.

Surely, it doesn’t matter if we are talking about S, X, or Y, D, cousin, anybody.

I simply don’t have time for bulls***.

That’s it. I must remind myself that even if I have to tell myself this 1000 times a day. Once I understand this and believe this, I will not over inundate or over stimulate my brain with anything that is not necessary.  When I say BS I use it to mean anything, whether it is drama or frivolous or anything. Anything at all that doesn’t need to be in my brain at that moment, and is taking away from peace. This is not selfish behavior, the old me would have thought so. It is not being too busy for other people.

It is being a da** adult. It’s about time. I am ready. Look in the mirror and see who I am, see the reality of my life, see the reality of my relationship with my husband, is there any space there? Is there? No. OK then that’s the answer

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.