Dear Anita,

Wow, your description of how your mother talked to you a whole looooot, no matter what you were doing, where you were, no regard for your peace, entitled to having your ear to listen to her – resonates with me entirely. How crazy, I sometimes am still astonished that 2 people from practically different worlds, different sides of the country, background – have so much in common in regards to this mother.

Your point about S, I know that my baseline hostility does feel like such people rob my time, especially when it is about nonsensical stuff.  But as you said, “you have a choice only when you are aware of what is happening.”

So now I am aware of what is happening.  Yes there are some people like S, who aren’t necessarily aware that others are not interested in chatting about such topics in the middle of the work day.  But S is not busy or stressed at work.  That is fine for her.  I am.  I don’t have to be hostile about this.  Just focus on ME.  What I need.  Inner circle of myself during the day and what creates peace, and what takes it away.

No one is robbing my time, it is only up to me – in which way I give it away. 

Next,

I get hostile when I think or feel that others are treated better than I am. I am afraid that they will get what I am not getting, that they are a higher priority, I am jealous, envious. Angry.

That makes sense.  And I am assuming that perhaps, this quality or neuropathway gets activated even when the reality may not really be that way – in that it is PERCEIVED that someone is getting treatment in that moment, by the neurons – in which some cases it may not be that way.

I can relate to this in the way that my mother taught me that other people are lucky, and I am not.  So I would find myself flustered and enraged when hearing about someone else’s good “luck.” Imagine 25 year old me learning about someone’s engagement, to a man I don’t have any interest in, but all of a sudden I am convinced this girl has it much better than me – and I am unlucky she is not.  Bam done, conclusion made.  Looking back 99% of those times were false delusions on my end.  Sure some of those stories panned out to be happy, and that is great – but the point is that there was no need for that comparison – it caused self harm. And – how bad do I have it after all?! Not bad at all – when it comes to that “luck outcome.”

The bad luck being of course the mother.

How often do you think that your perception of someone getting “better treatment” than you, is actually correct? I wonder.  Sometimes of course it is correct – and people do get better treatment, some of whom deserve it, some maybe not.  Their life circumstances varying.

I know in my case, it was most often a delusion – and the self harm I created was far greater than the actual “worse luck or treatment” I was receiving.  I wonder if your scenario is similar.