Dear Anita,

I wasn’t sure if I should bring in my personal anecdote up – as I don’t want to take away from the main themes, but I had a feeling it may help.

Being expected to be a silent perfect listener of a non-sensical person who we care for and want to help (and get away from at the same time) is crazy making, and it gives birth to that ROAR.

Yes, the ROAR.

My mother said the SAME exact thing:  “it is not my doing, I react to how they are- it is they who are changing, not me!”

Uncanny.  I believed this for so long, so did you.  So see – increased hostility at others.  Not only are other people so unpredictable changing this way and that.  They are also making poor mother sad and upset by doing this.  Double anger. Double roar.

BUT – to add to the ROAR, now mother lashes out onto US. So here we are feeling angry at others, for her, and then sad for her experience, and then when we try to help – slap in the face.  So now a ROAR builds up, I want to escape from this bad feeling – run far away.

But not so simple, it is simmering with guilt, and hatred.  Guilt for not fixing poor mother, and making those bad people suffer.  Hatred at the world.  Hatred at how you feel.  Oh so very complicated – and even beyond.

—

The fact of the silent listener – is exactly that.

Be silent when I say, and not when I don’t say.  I said nothing at all? Well read my mind – and nope, no matter what you do it will not help.  I will always be angry at the world and you.

All your efforts are in vain. All our efforts.

What a ROAR that is! All that work and effort and SUFFERING, and it amounted to nothing.  Imagine, it isn’t like we were even able to have some tangible benefit – let’s make one up, we went out there and fought some war for our mothers and now she is able to have some decent happiness.. nope  – or we suffered and dealt with so much anguish – but these days in her older age – she feels so much sorrow and empathy for us, and is forever grateful for our sacrifices – nope.

It was all for nothing. Suffering, sacrifices, and having our neuropathways changed for good – all without any benefit to anyone whatsoever.

That is a ROAR, for sure.