Dear Anita,

Today is my birthday.  I am 34.

I feel about 30-31, but hey what does it matter.

Age often feels strange for people like us, and by us, I mean people who have been in the shadow of trauma for many years of life- and often not actually have felt that they truly lived many years, or even decades.  It feels odd sometimes to say I am X years old, because you think – “where did all that time go.”

I used to feel very sad about this, and birthdays were very emotional for me.  Not the type of emotion where you wake up crying and enveloped in your feelings – no.

No, for me it was suppressed emotion causing discomfort, anxiety, pain – stuckness, rumination.

Today I see – I am an adult.  But I am young at heart in many ways.  Most of all – I am free.  Age is nothing without freedom.

Freedom is everything.

I have done an incredible amount of work freeing myself from the wrath that is my mother.  And now on a daily basis I work (and with you) on the path – of healing.

Some days this path is burdensome and it feels like it isn’t life.  Other days it feels like, oh I guess the only life there is.

Today – I know, that it is a large part of my life, and yes it does define my life.  As it has become important with each progressing day to make choices that allow me to feel good.

Feeling good is the only goal – and in a real honest, wholesome way.  Not fleeting compulsive good feelings.

Feeling strong and grounded, free to make my choices, and have the power to not be overburdened with guilt and worry – that is what my life is about.  That is what my daily work is for.

I have spent my entire life, over 30 years, wow – learning to focus on the outside – out there – there – outer world.

And only over 1 year, or a few months – 3 months lets say – wow, have I learned to focus on the inside – in here – inner circle.

Can you imagine? Undoing over 30 year of patterns, behavioral ways, neuropathways – in a few months.  How uncomfortable, how distressing, how difficult.  Yet, this is the work – it is the only way for a full and free life.

Thank you Anita, I look forward to speaking to you today when you wake up.  And yes, we had planned for you to visit NYC during my birthday – oh what a treat, for myself, and my husband and sister too.

Well, perhaps next year – but I know by then – we will no longer be in NYC – we will be in the next chapter of our path, the healing will continue, elsewhere – slightly more calm and quiet.