anita,

I will read what you have pasted momentarily. These are my current thoughts this morning:

I spent the weekend celebrating my sister. It was an enjoyable weekend of course, but I did not get to really process my big decision. I did not really get the chance to celebrate what I have done. So I wake up today with this energy to celebrate ME and what I have done. But I realize that no one really understands what I’m going through so it is hard to find people to have that celebration with. How should I celebrate? Instead of waiting for my friends to reach out to me and stay angry with them (mentally), I decided to send a text to the group chat with BJP and ask what day everyone is free for a celebration this week. The responses were fine, but not exhilarated or excited like I want them to be. Not like your responses. Not like my therapists responses. And it’s because you and my therapist understand it. No one understands it. My sister does, but I cant talk to her about it. So I feel as though I am in this place, forcing people to come celebrate with me. They do not understand the SIZE of this decision. HOW LARGE IT IS. You know, people say you choose your family. And they say to surround yourself with good supportive friends. I have made new friends – but this morning I felt so alone – because people have not reacted the way I would expect. So then it is like…what do I do.. continue to make new friends..continue trying to find this family? It is exhausting. And I hate that after such a big decision that I have made for myself, I am already presented with this new anxiety and worry. I wish not to be worried by this and focus on my major accomplishment. M was very supportive when this all happened, but I already see that it may have been it. In other words, she was supportive when she saw me bawling etc, and I think that was the limit of it. I guess people do not understand the after effects of this all.

This being said, it is very likely that my sister and her husband may be moving in a couple months. We live 11 min away from each other right now – FINALLY. after years, and now they will leave. My only family and really support will move away as well. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel happy and excited about this decision…but do I really have anyone to celebrate it with? And it breaks my heart that my sister may move across the country.

You know how hard it is that my sister continuously sends happy texts to me? I am SO HAPPY that she had a good birthday and is feeling better. But…I have just gone through something MAJOR. It is becoming difficult for me to continuously text her happy things back when I do not really feel it. I am  going through a plethora of emotions. I understand it is triggering for her to talk about it etc, however, I do wish she would be more understanding that this literally happened to me like 4 days ago..so I am not just fine and all happy go lucky. She is ignoring it so that she can keep her peace, so I have decided to not reply to her too much..because it is causing me angst.

My entire life everything has always been about her. celebrating her. Oh, anita, I owe it finally to myself to celebrate me. I protect her, I stand up for her, I kept the family together, I was the scapegoat. Her medical graduation was so celebrated. Mine was – my father told me I was a curse to be born. HOLY FREAKIN &%^%! IT IS MY TURN NOW. Don’t you think?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by cali sister.