Dear Anita,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making my sister such a priority.  I do agree that I saw her differently just a few months ago, but in fact she has grown tremendously.  Not to say she was histrionic ever, or a bad person – no far from it, but much more lost and un-grounded.  She has really found her way in NYC, with a great job with responsibilities that are even above the level of her age – handling that very well.  She has finally found comfort in a good group of friends.

I guess It is up to me to make it a priority for me to “help” her – and she does not need my instant help.  She is fine.   I am lucky enough to have a husband who considers her his own family, my in laws were so glad to include her in our birthday plans on Sunday – we went to a Broadway show.  And as always she is welcome to all family events, Thanksgiving coming up.  They truly care about her wellbeing as well.

I will say this, and the only reason I know this is because I saw my husband’s demeanor change. Here it is…

My parents called my in laws the day before my birthday, Sunday.  They acted very nice and asked my in laws to wish me a happy birthday, to which they responded “oh we will if and when we see her, we won’t be seeing her soon.” A generic committed response.  My parents then made some random vague comments about my sister, that I do not know details about.

My mother in law then asked my husband if my sister is still in contact with my parents, to which he replied, no in fact, it has been a few days.  My MIL then responded – oh okay that makes sense then.  This was not brought up at all to me or my sister.

Now the only reason I know this is because my husband walked out of the apartment to walk them to their car, my sister and I stayed back with the dogs.  He spent about 15 minutes outside by the car, and  I wondered if anything was wrong.  Then I got the sense that my parents had called his, and they were discussing this.  Of course as this used to happen so much, my mother immediately calling my in laws and blasting them or acting innocent and trying to find information.  Of course.

When he returned he seemed fine but slightly stressed, he mentioned nothing – my sister and I were there, and we all continued to sit and talk normally for a bit, and then the evening came to an end – Sunday.

So yesterday during my birthday dinner with him,  I brought it up – I asked, did my parents call yours? I have a feeling they did –and he said no don’t worry, and I pushed and asked again- perhaps I shouldn’t have, doesn’t matter now.  And he told me the above.

I instantly felt triggered, and instantly felt bad that my husband and in laws are being bothered by this.  He said it is fine and inevitable, and that his parents know how to handle it well.  I said for his parents to block the numbers – he said they won’t yet as it hasn’t been bad, but if and when in the future if things happen to escalate and my parents lose it and harass them – they would.  He told me to rest assured that it is all under control.  I asked him if he finds the whole thing stressful.  He states he doesn’t and understands it, we continued to talk and the gist of it is that he wants to make sure I don’t get too triggered or upset, as that will directly effect him as well and we will go back to a few months and a year ago when I was not making my calmness a priority – which you know.

I guess I did feel triggered, of course.  The rest of the dinner feeling not centered for me.  No fault of my sisters.

My  husband said something so simple that made sense: it is what it is, it’s family we are all there for each other and supportive – there are gonna be more and less stressful times.  This is true, but I felt everly so slightly annoyed that as soon as my husband and I are on the right path and moving in the right direction FINALLY with progress on my end, there is another curve ball.  NO fault of my sisters, of course my parents – she went no contact to protect herself, she didn’t bring harm – it is them.

I will respect this time for my sister, being acutely in need, and feeling vulnerable, scared, possibly alone.  I respect this.

I will also learn to know myself, better than ever perhaps – and develop the fine tuning that is needed to be both there for someone close to myself, but also shielded enough so that I am not overly re-triggered myself.  That will be a work in progress.

I know that it is a huge relief and help, and immensely appreciated by all of us that of course we have your support.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.