Hello anita,

I’m thinking of the best way to send you photos because I want to describe them. I”ll think about it.

First, I wanted to see if we could address the “people needing to remind me of what I did so I can ‘feel’ it” – is this dissociation? (regarding NC).

Last night, the celebration with BJP was fun. I want to point out that my mother defined love differently to me growing up. She did not show love to me, but was obsessed with this false definition of love with the external world/people. I have taught myself what love is and I am learning what love is. But the point that I am trying to make is that – parrot always put SO MUCH emphasis on friends – she brainwashed me to HAVE to love every part of them, and if there was one flaw, everything was bad. I now know, after much talk with my sister about this too, is that they are simply friends. THAT IS IT. It doesn’t have to be life or death. With less emphasis on them, I have more time to focus on myself. I lightheartedly enjoyed last night. I had no irritation. Because they are just that, friends for enjoyment. I went to the restaurant early and got myself a margarita at the bar. I wanted to treat myself and sit alone. It was a nice experience.

Last night – I also had a dream. Very interesting one. I was NC with my parents, but it consisted of me going home (in the dream, it was my old house that I grew up in..a house that shows up in my dreams all the time). So it was a situation in which I was NC but I went home – and the NC was not spoken of. We were in the upstairs hallway and I had certain boxes – like shoe boxes of things that they had no access to and were only mine. The shoe boxes were just representing intangible things. So for example, one of the boxes had my contact info. When I was leaving the home, I took that box with me. The NC was not really spoken of – it was just an understood thing. I think they may have asked for me to stop doing that or come back to them, but I said no.

calisister