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New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world

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Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 298 total)
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  • #316811
    cali sister
    Participant

    Anita,

    I will DEFINITELY send you pictures. Oh I am so excited – please be warned I love photos. So I may send you many! Take your time to look at them and no rush- absolutely none at all. I’m happy with how my hair turned out! I’ll show you. And oh my sisters wedding – that is not how I look at all! With all the fake hair and makeup! I was also chubbier then. Woohoo!

    yes – what I meant was – did you sometimes after you did it almost forget that you went NC? After reading your post, I felt excited again. As I was leaving for dinner, I also had a heartwarming conversation with my door lady. She said “GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!”

    It is weird – it’s like I need this constant reminders. People to keep telling me. And then I feel it again.

    #316815
    cali sister
    Participant

    I also must add! I am on the train – and the lady standing in front of me is wearing a bracelet with a small Buddha on it. If that’s not meant to be, I don’t know what is! I believe in small things like that- that God or the universe or whatever we believe- is sending us these small signals.

    #316817
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    I will be thrilled to see your photos- you can’t send me too many! And I am thrilled every day, knowing you went NC- smiling as I am typing this. Will attend to your question later because I have to go on my daily walk next. You are going out celebrating tonight, still the plan, isn’t it?

    The computer is on, I will check when I return.

    anita

    #316819
    cali sister
    Participant

    Of course. No rush at all. And yes – I am on my way to dinner. Please enjoy your walk! Are these walks alone or with your husband?

    I will send you some pictures tonight!

    #316833
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    Yes, you did say you were on your way to dinner a couple of posts ago (I am not so focused in the afternoons!) I walk alone 5 walks per weeks, then 2 walks per week with husband  +two extras with him during the week. I hope this post is not interrupting your dinner! Send me photos when you have the time, not when you should be resting or sleeping!

    anita

    #316839
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    It will soon be 10 pm your time,  hope you had a good celebration and looking forward to read about it when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning in about 11 hours. Good night, courageous, strong and good cali sister (will get to know your real name soon, when you send me an email!)

    anita (my real name)

    #316897
    cali sister
    Participant

    good morning,

    thank you for thinking of me and saying those positive things. busy morning at work today – I will write soon. looking forward to it. hope you had a nice sleep.

    calisister

    #316903
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Good morning, cali sister. Write only when you are not busy- work is first and most important priority.

    anita

    #316913
    cali sister
    Participant

    Hello anita,

    I’m thinking of the best way to send you photos because I want to describe them. I”ll think about it.

    First, I wanted to see if we could address the “people needing to remind me of what I did so I can ‘feel’ it” – is this dissociation? (regarding NC).

    Last night, the celebration with BJP was fun. I want to point out that my mother defined love differently to me growing up. She did not show love to me, but was obsessed with this false definition of love with the external world/people. I have taught myself what love is and I am learning what love is. But the point that I am trying to make is that – parrot always put SO MUCH emphasis on friends – she brainwashed me to HAVE to love every part of them, and if there was one flaw, everything was bad. I now know, after much talk with my sister about this too, is that they are simply friends. THAT IS IT. It doesn’t have to be life or death. With less emphasis on them, I have more time to focus on myself. I lightheartedly enjoyed last night. I had no irritation. Because they are just that, friends for enjoyment. I went to the restaurant early and got myself a margarita at the bar. I wanted to treat myself and sit alone. It was a nice experience.

    Last night – I also had a dream. Very interesting one. I was NC with my parents, but it consisted of me going home (in the dream, it was my old house that I grew up in..a house that shows up in my dreams all the time). So it was a situation in which I was NC but I went home – and the NC was not spoken of. We were in the upstairs hallway and I had certain boxes – like shoe boxes of things that they had no access to and were only mine. The shoe boxes were just representing intangible things. So for example, one of the boxes had my contact info. When I was leaving the home, I took that box with me. The NC was not really spoken of – it was just an understood thing. I think they may have asked for me to stop doing that or come back to them, but I said no.

    calisister

     

    #316929
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    From your yesterday post and today: “did you sometimes after you did it (NC) almost forgot that you went NC?.. It is weird- it’s like I need this constant reminders. People to keep telling me. And then I feel it again.. – is this dissociation”- reads to me that it is adjustment to something new, it takes time for something as new and revolutionary as what you did, to sink in.

    I will be glad to remind you, by the way- you did it, cali sister, you did it !!!!!!

    Your mother’s emphasis on making and keeping friends is/ has been insane, very extreme. Interesting how with so muuuuuuuch emphasis, I don’t think she experienced a single friendship in her life- not with her husband whom she bullied, not with any of her daughters, not with anyone.

    What she had with Maria- that was something crazy, some dysfunctional re-enactment of something. Not a friendship.

    Isn’t it interesting how a person emphasizing friendship so often, so consistently, so passionately, didn’t experience a single friendship in her life?

    Regarding your dream, “I went home- and the NC was  not spoken of”- this made me think of the No- Contact that was your childhood experience, in the old home of your childhood and the newer one= how lonely and isolated you were, all alone with your thoughts and feelings. And at times truly alone as in no  one there, when you needed someone there.

    anita

     

     

    #316941
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    Yes – I understand. And thank you for reminding me. I definitely need reminders. I loved that initial feeling I had, and I want it to come back.

    Yes – I always thought about that. How she has not had a single friendship with anyone. Obsessed with this delusion – and an ego that she is above everyone.

    Maria- do you know how much Maria is in my childhood diary. Yes, it is truly insane. Her interaction with her was so toxic and so toxic for me to be home and watch. Oh, how I dreaded the times Maria would come. I had to exile myself if I did not have a friend over.

    Yes – alone with my thoughts and feelings that were in boxes. It was a nice dream for me to have my box to myself and leave.

    #316943
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister:

    For some reason, Maria was the most important person in her life- not her girls, not her husband- but Maria. Almost like a love story, an affair of sorts.

    “It was a nice dream for me to  have my box to  myself and leave”- a box, like a shoe box, can represent the house you grew up in for many years, with your parents and sister (and Maria)- where you were trapped, sort of.. a girl in a box. Youth in a box, hopes and dreams in a box. You took that box Oct 3 with you and you opened that box when you curled your hair and as you change your wardrobe- freeing that girl, letting  her out of the box.

    It is not as smooth in real life as in the image of opening a box. The girl inside still has some chains limiting her movements, and she sometimes forgets (and will forget) that she is no longer in the box, but she certainly started the process of reclaiming the freedom she was born to have!

    anita

    #316945
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    How wonderfully written. Yes very weird love story with Maria. I wonder why she was so obsessed with these people.

    Have my sister or I ever told you about her affair with the landscaper from Mexico? His name, Nick.

    #316947
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cali sister;

    I know of an affair with a man when your sister was in medical school, I only know of  one- is that Nick?

    anita

    #316953
    cali sister
    Participant

    Yes – I will write more about it soon.

Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 298 total)

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