October 7, 2019 at 3:06 pm #316597
Fog – moisture – makes the skin feel nice sometimes.
On your walks, do you listen to music?
Also – it turns out that I will be “celebrating” with BJP tomorrow. Now I am thinking of what to do.
October 7, 2019 at 3:56 pm #316609
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by cali sister.
Dear cali sister:
No I don’t listen to music on my walks- have to pay attention to such things as.. cougars (one on my front yard the other day)- not that you can hear them as they are very quiet, still. No worries, they have plenty of elk and deer and rabbit to eat, lots of competition.
Who is BJP- the friend group???
anitaOctober 7, 2019 at 4:02 pm #316611
Oh my goodness !!!!! A cougar !! How cool – yet terrifying! I may watch jungle book tonight – now that you mention it!
yes BJP is the friend group.October 7, 2019 at 4:06 pm #316615
I wanted to share something else. I’m excited to find my passions. Cali sister. Her likes. Dislikes. Everything.October 7, 2019 at 4:09 pm #316619
Dear cali sister:
And I do want to hear/ read about you likes, dislikes, everything, anything you want to share!
I will be away from the computer for about two hours, have to do some chores and such.
anitaOctober 7, 2019 at 5:55 pm #316627
Dear cali sister:
It is almost 9 pm your time. I hope the pizza you ordered was tasty. If you learned anything new about cougars, let me know what it is. Have a good night, and hope to read from you in the morning.
anitaOctober 7, 2019 at 7:04 pm #316631
I am about to sleep – and I cry. I cry that the last thing I said to my parents has to do with the police. That I had to threaten them. However, I do not have any urge to speak to them. I have no urge to call up my father. It is so interesting that my entire life…literally entire…I have feared the death of my father. And instead, I left him first. (figuratively speaking of course) – isn’t life ..interesting?
I also cry in anger. That I always protect my sister. (Please excuse my angry writing here) — How I diligently tried so hard since she went NC to not trigger her. I must vent. Here we were this weekend – Sunday we picked a restaurant location to go with her husbands parents in my neighborhood. Right next to my apartment. There are many other locations of this same restaurant. (It is a chain). When we were on our way there, I nudged her and said this is probably not the best idea. And I say – HONESTLY – I meant it for her sake. Because I did not want anything ruining her birthday. Oh, excuse my anger anita. but.. WHAT ABOUT MY VACATIONS AND MY BIRTHDAYS? I did not even think of it for me. I was thinking of it for her. I literally just did this on oct 3rd, I think she could have re routed the group to a different location, for my sake. Just because it is your birthday, doesn’t mean you truly have to not focus on anything else. And I am sick of hearing that is what she needs. I need things too sometimes. Oh the anxiety I had being there. We were literally 5 streets away from my apartment. Can you imagine seeing my parents..with HER…and him..and HIS parents? It would be a disaster. See, anita- this is what I am sick of. Always having to deal with things for the sake of others. When she claims that I have “ruined” so many of her vacations etc- it was not ME. It was our life situation. Oh, how good it feels to know that and say that. And then, when we got back to her apartment – she decided to go through the wedding album with a huge smile. Am I happy she is finally excited to see her wedding pictures? Of course. BUT- I would NEVER EVER show her pictures of my parents literally 2-3 days after NC. NEVER. Especially blown up, huge pictures – on such an emotional day, such an emotional time – the climax of all the insanity.
And you know what, I didn’t even think of this till now. See THATS THE THING. I do not even realize that I just tolerate these things – I become strong for the situation. For others. To help others. I push it off – I say “oh no, I’m fine.” I come off as cool and chill with it – when truly, I am hurting.
But tonight, while I cried, it all came out. Spewing thoughts. That this (the photo album) was not right. And she should have known to not do something like that, at least not when I was there. I thought ok, it will make her happy so its ok. NO. It is my freaking turn to be protected.
PHEW. did that feel good to write. May I please say – I IN NO WAY – mean for any of this to make you feel a certain way about my sister at all. This is about me and only me. And you have your separate relationship with her. I know you know this, but I want to make sure you know I know. I hope you understand what I mean – I mean no harm towards her and your talks with her. This writing is for ME and my healing.
Talk soon. PHEW!October 8, 2019 at 5:31 am #316687
A random thing I want to mention – my wardrobe (clothes, shoes, accessories) – I am completely re-doing it. It is quite cleansing to do this – so much of what I have is influenced by parrot; My style is becoming my own. This is obviously expensive and I do not have the best savings as of yet – however, it is my time to live. So I am letting myself do this. It is fun – all these new clothes. I want to literally throw out all of the old stuff. And enter into this new world.October 8, 2019 at 8:35 am #316717
Dear cali sister:
I just submitted a post to your sister telling her what I said that I will, and it was perfect timing because she brought you up (in a positively appreciative way, as she has for a long, long time). If you want I can quote to you in a later post what I wrote to her about you. Not what she wrote which is against our agreement to keep the threads separated. Let me know.
Regarding your two recent posts:
“isn’t life.. interesting?”- yes it is, it keeps me interested and curious, every day.
You cried last night because you were sad and angry. Here is what you wrote about your anger: you were angry that your sister chose a restaurant near your apartment, angry that she didn’t think to protect you from your parents potentially showing up looking for you and seeing you all together. And you were angry that she showed her parents in law photos (including blown up, huge photos) of her wedding which included photos of your parents, not thinking or caring that it will be difficult for you to see their photos, a few days after NC.
But more than this, you are angry about doing things for “her sake”, not for your sake, he tiptoeing around her that you mentioned in a previous post. Angry that your life has been about others so far, not about you.
“I am sick of hearing that is what she needs. I need things too sometimes.. this is what I am sick of. Always having to deal with things for the sake of others.. I become strong for the situation. For others. To help others.. I say ‘oh no, I’m fine.’ I come off as cool and chill with it- when truly, I am hurting… It is my freaking turn to be protected.”.
You are correct, that what ruined her vacations etc. “was not ME. It was our life situations”- after all, she had ruined vacations where you were not a part of at all. I am surprised that she showed huge photos of your parents knowing you just went NC. I am surprised she herself didn’t mind seeing those photos.
Back to the quote above: “I need things too sometimes… It is my freaking time to be protected”- I hear you loud and clear, I hear all that you shared in the paragraph above (“I am sick of hearing..) loud and clear. And I agree, of course. It will be a good idea if you became even more clear and specific about those things that you need. Make a list maybe?
Your second post- I like that, a new world-> a new wardrobe. To peel the parrot off your wardrobe, absolutely!
October 8, 2019 at 8:44 am #316721
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by anita.
sure – I would be ok with you quoting it. I love the idea about making a list of what I need. Oh!!! I will think about it for a bit and write it.
Tonight is the “celebration” with BJP. I wrote to my therapist as well, and she said exactly what you said. That I do not have to share this with anyone. And that when she herself distanced herself from family, she had no support – similar to you. So then I wonder how I will handle this experience tonight. Maybe just mention it in one sentence, cheers, and then move on. I feel foolish now for gathering them all.
I feel that I trapped my parents – and I know they are not handling it well.
When I feel or say that I am alone now – I almost say it objectively. That I AM. But I am not sure if it makes me as sad as before.October 8, 2019 at 9:55 am #316735
Dear cali sister:
First, what I wrote to your sister this morning: “Regarding my understanding of your sister: a long time ago, after I no longer communicated with her (June 2018 on her old thread), I realized that I was wrong about her, that I misunderstood her, having inaccurately projected my mother into her, thinking that your sister was histrionic and manipulative.
I was wrong. As you shared about her after June 2018, different scenarios, I realized I was wrong and thought about posting an apology to her on her old thread, but felt uncomfortable, embarrassed and didn’t even know if she would have welcomed a post/ an apology from me. I finally did apologize to her most recently.
What a relief to know that she is not histrionic.. there were many indications that she is not in what you shared over months and longer…There are other examples where it is clear that she has been trying hard to deal with her own distress without burdening you. Not a histrionic trait- the opposite of histrionic. Really she is honest and kind, genuine, a very good person… As I re-read her posts in her old thread it became clear to me that you too inaccurately projected what is not true. It is your mother that instilled in you the idea/ role that you have to take care of her, to get her to be social and so forth. Your care-taker family role was given to you by your mother, not by your sister. Cali sister genuinely wants you to be okay, to not be distressed by her, and good thing she can make it without your close support (or monitoring). On your part, watch that roar so it is not expressed against her. Always remove yourself from an interaction with her (take a time out) when you feel triggered.”
I will wait for your response to this before I respond to the rest of your recent post.
anitaOctober 8, 2019 at 10:06 am #316737
what you wrote – I’ve been waiting to hear for years. You have validated me. Oh, and it FEELS SOO GOOD. Thank you so much for doing this. You do not know how much I appreciate it.October 8, 2019 at 10:35 am #316749
Dear cali sister:
Good- I didn’t know if what I wrote to her was adequate, or enough. Didn’t want to go on and on about it in the post to her. I am relieved that you find it satisfactory!
Regarding your post before recent:
“I wonder how I will handle this experience tonight. Maybe just mention it in one sentence, cheers, and then move on. I feel foolish now for gathering them all”-
– You wrote earlier: “Oh, excuse my anger.. but.. WHAT ABOUT MY VACATIONS AND MY BIRTHDAYS?”
This evening is YOUR celebration. It is not going to be easy to make your life your own from now on, to make yourself the center of.. your own life. It will feel weird, but with practice, over time and being persistent with the practice, being patient with the slow nature of this kind of progress- you will make it happen.
So tonight is an opportunity for you to practice this- you decide how to celebrate your own achievement. Thing is with our behavior in society, when others are present, part of us being authentic and genuine is considering the others. It is so because we are social animals, so considering others is part of being true to ourselves. For example, let’s say you feel like talking endlessly about your parents this evening, but you know that will be painful for your friends to sit through this, so you don’t go on and on. But a few minutes of a speech about what you accomplished and why- absolutely!
You wrote: “I feel that I trapped my parents- and I know they are not handling it well”- they were not worried about leaving you alone when your dog died, you being trapped alone with the smell of your dead beloved dog, were they? They were not worried when uninviting you numerous times, and your mother wasn’t worried that you will be negatively affected by her repeated false message that you will cause your father a heart attack, was she?
Think of this: parents who don’t care about their daughter to such an extent, what is it that troubles them in regard to your NC- I mean, if your emotions mean nothing to them, what is it that they are missing, or .. what is it that they lost???
anitaOctober 8, 2019 at 2:53 pm #316807
Yes – the only thing I would have added is perhaps not only the caregiver role – but that I am also going through something large, so she has to respect that as well.
Tonight – okay, I will celebrate me. That being said, I’ll go curl my hair!
Yes – what they lost or what they are mourning is not me and my pain – it is more so them saying “our life is so bad, what did we ever do to deserve this.
In your experience, after going NC, is it normal to sometimes feel that you haven’t even done that?October 8, 2019 at 3:08 pm #316809
Dear cali sister:
I will add this part I missed- that you are going through something large, something huge- I will add that and how much I respect how huge it is. I am still feeling thrilled about it, by the way, no less than when I first became aware of it. I will add that to her, tomorrow.
Curl your hair? My goodness! I recently looked again at your photo at your sister’s wedding- your hair looks full and straight and you are very pretty! (your sister sent me photos, she has me email address and you are welcome to have it as well, ask her for it if you want. I spent almost all my time on tb though).
Seems to me that following your NC, your parents simply have one more thing to complain about, one more poor-me-what-have-I-done-to-deserve-it venting. If it was not your NC event (a huge event, I know, you know)- it would be some other event they will be complaining about, can be a small event, but to them it is all the same poor-me-etc.
I didn’t understand your last question, or not sure I understand: “that you haven’t done that”- by that you mean the NC?