Dear Anita,

i guess I never vocalized this. I have with my sister often, but perhaps not in writing here.

my mother is a fraud. She used hysteria to scare us. Exclaiming she would die if we didn’t do This or that. Imagine a young girl – scAred beyond belief that her mother would take such a drastic measure! My goodness, what I do must me important then!

Thus I was tricked. Tricked into believing that every action of mine reflected onto her and thus has to satisfy her. For nothing more than the “fact” that she had a bad life and deserved better now. She fed me lies from birth and of course I believed them – it was my mother.

She threatened me way into adulthood and used this as a way to control me even then, far later than one would imagine.

I used to believe it until then. Seeing some of it pan out – my extended family comings after me etc .

but – and a huge but –

when I truly saw the reality of who she is. A fraud, a liar. A work of fiction – that is when I said enough. That is when I decided to go no contact. This is when it all made sense, every effort of mine would be in vain from now and forever. But my future children would be harmed beyond belief as well. I agree with all of that inside. And I know that every single thing is a lie.  I Was assured in my decision and have never gone back, because I never took it lightly, when I decided to go no contact I saw her for who she truly was.

What’s left is residual teachings from her voice, yet I never truly think that anything that she has taught me or my sister is truly the way to see the world