Dear anita,

thank you for your reply!

It is definitely the healthiest way of thinking. That others are just dealing with their own issues, that I am not important. It would have helped me in the dormitory, if I hadn’t paid that much attention to people’s reactions. I could have saved myself a lot of worry and anxiety. The situation wouldn’t have escalated this far.

But at the same time, I know that I am socially awkward and can make others feel uncomfortable. And I know that people are not able to understand my behaviour and then seem to think badly of me… It happened at my work. But now it has gotten better, since I work more and people know me better.

My therapist said to me, that I seem very controlled and that she “can’t feel me” most of the time. Only recently, I have realized, that I am not in touch with my feelings.

For example, K. said to me that he was not feeling good or that everything is so easy for me. And I always said to him, that I am fine, so he could get this impression. And I felt guilty, that he was feeling so bad, while I was o.K. But I was not o.K., my anxiety grew bigger and bigger. I couldn’t sleep, I felt like I am crazy and I had heart palpitations (which hadn’t happened to me before). Somehow I focused so much on him and how I have hurt him, that I didn’t even realize that I was not feeling good. Or it didn’t seem important to me. What seemed important was, that I might have hurt him.

Well, I still worry that I might have hurt him. But I know that it has also hurt me very much, our interactions… But I am only angry at myself, not at him, still. I still feel guilty and confused about what happened with him.

The sad thing is, I tried to please him and was too afraid to do what I really wanted. I would have wanted to hold his hand or hug him for very long. I would have wanted to spend time with him, be there for him. But my thoughts were very warped. I tried to fulfill his expectations, but I didn’t even know what he wanted. In the end, I think we did things we both didn’t really want. And that is just so depressing.

Well, I know we were not a good match. It seems that we wanted different things. I just wish that we could have handled things better.

But I guess the only thing I can do now is to hope for him that he is doing well. And learn from the experience. To get to know a man very slowly is the most important lesson for me. And to also consider what I want, or a terrible mess will happen. And sex is also very difficult for me, so best take this very slowly as well.

I am sorry that I am still talking about this. But he is still very much on my mind. I was not the person I wanted to be with him. I was not the person I wanted to be last year in the dormitory.

Hopefully, I can start fresh now and learn from the experience.