Dear Anita,

I am awake, in a comfortable position in my own home.  I know that the task in front of me is huge, and thus I am dedicating my full undivided attention to it.  No distraction.  I don’t get to spend a lot of weekday time at home doing this, but today I have a late start.  Perfect timing.

I think of this next chapter as “intensive workshops” in the sense that I have my work cut out for me, a second job almost.  It is vital to my healing, and to move forward..  That stuck, stagnant junk.  That voice that has been stuck for so long.  What does it say? So much anger and resentment at anyone or anything that “robs my time.” Well it makes more sense now. There is so much crap, for lack of a better term, that has been unattended.  That I must attend to.  Deep down inside I know this, it lingers and it brews inside me.  I know every time I jump to give attention to something/someone else – I go farther and farther from attending to this stuff.  That is why I have been so resentful of giving any time or attention away. I search for reasons and excuses and try to validate it, so not to have guilt.  But today, I know, there is no need for this.  The work in front of me is monumental.  It may not be seen by the eye, but I know it – you know it, and that is simply all that matters.  Life can not simply stop for me to do this work.  But, I can fill important spaces with it, and make it my priority.  I have been, but even more so now.

So where to begin? My voice.  3-D.  Not 2-D, one piece of paper stuck in a book of fiction.

I know this is hard work because I woke up with swarming thoughts, many different memories of my life.  Not so much childhood, but adolescent and forward.  Many scenarios.  This time I analyzed each one.  I had a full memory in some cases, but was it my voice? It was likely not.  So then what is my voice?

This might be the hardest work I have ever done.  It feels so foreign, and perplexing.  I am simply dumbfounded.  But gauging from the energy  inside of me, it is a must to dig deep and start somewhere..  I know you are here to guide me if I don’t know what direction to go in.  I have no idea how to start, for once I am at a loss for words.

My sister and I are going to Aruba at the end of the month, for a sister trip.  It will be fun and relaxing.  Perhaps a vacation is ta place where I can begin.

We went to the Bahamas years ago (and I won’t give myself too much pressure to add details or make this a perfect narrative, I am just beginning and I have a feeling accessing old memories will be easier with time).  My mother sister and I..  We did many trips like this.  This was at Atlantis, it is this huge mega resort that is made like the old ancient Atlantis ruins. My mother wanted to go there as she heard how amazing it was, underwater this and that, huge outdoor slides, a sight to see.  Let’s say it was on her “bucket list.” So off we went.

I am there, I am in residency or medical school or something. An adult, I feel excited to go on a beach vacation, who wouldn’t be..  I know that it isn’t always relaxing with my mom, but I will have a great time with my sister..  Well when we get there, it begins.  They had gone through our suitcases for a search, and she was angry that everything was strewn everywhere.  Then we look at our room, and I think there was something wrong with the toilet.  I go and flush it and the water starts coming up.  Oh my.  My mother says to me something like: “god always making a mess everywhere you go, we just got here.”

Looking back I don’t know what I felt then.  I think something like, “oh man I always screw up, and now she’s going to be mad – but also laced with, wow it isn’t a big deal mom.” That dichotomy, that mixed trapped emotion..  Today I will say: get over it.  We just arrived at this amazing place, so what if your bag was searched – that is TSA.  It isn’t personal to you, you aren’t some ambassador to the US that is above the natural airport process.

And no. No, I am not a child that goes to the toilet and starts messing around and causing a mess.  No, you idiot.  Who would do that? Are you dense? In some ways you raised me to be this big almighty important person and doctor, and yet you quickly forget that this same person would have enough common sense to not make stupid errors.  Well that is your jargon: “you have no common sense.” I believed this..  But I never had the chance to develop half of it, since you and dad parade around the house like crazy monkeys cleaning and perfecting every nook and cranny – screaming at the top of your lungs that no other parent would do this much.  Crazy monkeys.  When would I have had the chance to use some practical “common” knowledge to fix a household item? When? In fact, kids that grow up without being able to do basic things in society – you can’t ridicule them – you have to look at the parents and say, there was a miss on their end.  Parenting means raising well adjusted children. Good parenting at least.

So anyway, we end up switching rooms and starting our day.  Funny how looking back I vaguely remember my sister and I being excited now, like kids, ready to go out.  We were our mothers little children jumping for joy.  We did not do this on purpose per se, but it was natural for us to be excited, and even more so as years went by I am sure as it made my mom “happy” to see us excited.  Out we went.  Beautiful pools and compounds.  We sat down on some chairs.  And of course it began.  Judging each and every person around us.  “how does X person afford to come here? He looks like a construction worker, maybe he is independently wealthy? Oh look at how much food Y ordered, jeez! It is like $10 a water bottle here, imagine all else.”

My sister and I go swim and get into a fun zone.  I look back and think how quickly we were able to brush it off and literally jump in the pool and have some fun.  This leads to the resilience we have to this day.  But, (and I will speak for myself) it also leads to brushing over my own voice and true thoughts and jumping into the next thought or activity.  We embarked on the mega slide, and my mother was on the bottom taking pictures.  I think the largest water slide in the world.  Definitely exhilarating.

When I was done, my mother said: “that’s it?” You guys don’t want to go more.. And I am not sure if that was this day or another, but she pretty much meant: I brought you all the way here to this mega world class place, and you don’t want to appreciate it or take advantage of it?

No mother, I don’t.  I am 20 something years old.  Not 10.  What i need out of this vacation is some down time.  I need mental space to breathe.  If that means laying on the lounge chair for 30 mins, it is that.  If it means go on the slide once to try it, it is that. I am not your 5 year old puppet child to give you a sense of accomplishment.  Why does you ability to feel good about this vacation rely so heavily on this? How much pressure is that? How disgusting.  If that is the case then don’t even cover it up in the guise of a vacation.  You have all these hopes and dreams to travel – so good for you.  But don’t use my sister and I as props to elevate how good of a job you do traveling, or to feel more fulfilled.  No matter what you do, you will never be fulfilled anyway.  So you want me to go up and down the slide 1309 times? Then what if my whole body is chafed? You will call dad and ridicule me.  Oh look at CC using the waterslide like a stupid child, now I have to take her to the doctor – oh what a huge bill and burden.  I can think of million scenarios.  That is not the point, you are a miserable evil being. There is zero room for me to be myself.  I hardly know what myself is, but we all have innate needs.  I am so tired, and all I need is rest.  You don’t respect this at all.  To this you say: rest! who brings their daughters on this kind of vacation! this didn’t even happen because my voice didn’t speak up to say this is what I needed, as I convinced myself I didn’t.  I convinced myself I can keep on pushing.

You tired me out so much, wrung every ounce of energy from me.  All under the guise of being a super mom and showing her daughters the bestest times.  Such manipulative vindictive behavior.

I will leave it at that for now…and continue after your reply.  I am not sure if  I “used my voice” at all here…perhaps you will have to guide me some.