Dear anita,

thank you that you took the time to write such a long and thoughtful response!

When it comes to the man from work, I think I did the right thing too. Even though there is room for improvement, I am on the right path, I think. Best to say no, than to rush into anything. After K, I am a lot more cautious. I know know that I need a lot of time to get to know a person and feel comfortable with them. Otherwise, I will say yes to things I am not really ready for and could be easily used.

When it comes to the two men, I am not so sure how to respond. Thank you for your offer to discuss their behaviours with me! You always take so much time to help me and others!

The man from the dormitory, I can see a lot clearer now. And I know that his behaviour towards me was not o.K. and at least sexual assault, no matter what he thinks (he said he was so nice to me and that he respected me fully, but his actions told otherwise…). You are right that a guilty person doesn’t always admit when he is guilty. It was just very confusing to me, that he said those things with such confidence. I think he really believed it himself. But it is over now and I should forgive myself that I didn’t always respond in the best ways!

When it comes to K., I feel differently, because in my heart I felt that he was a good person. He loves his family and I admired him for being so hardworking. He told me about always helping others. He was so cute, he showed me photos of him in his working gear and told me about his life. And he also told me about his future plans, if he only wanted to use me, why would he do it?

At the same time I can also see that he was selfish at times and it feels like he wanted to dominate me and he changed his story about being in a relationship when he met me two times. And I am very confused, but can’t believe that he used me. Maybe he was just afraid? He said to me in the end that he didn’t want to tell me about his problems, because he did not want to lose me. We were not very open with each other. And I know that a lot of the problems also come from my side. My fears and shame grew very big, I was obsessing over being sick and when he moved I was also scared to contact him too much, because I didn’t want to be too needy and irritating.It is also partly my fault that there were no real dates, because I am very scared of those things. My thinking was very warped.

In conclusion, it didn’t work out and I need to get over it! I just feel sad and guilty about the whole thing.

Last week I also talked with my therapist about the topic and she seemed a bit over it (maybe I am wrong though). I know that I should be over it too. It has been a long time. Maybe I am wasting my and everyone’s time still talking about it. Maybe I am keeping the problem alive. Maybe I should focus on other things now. I know that I learned a lot from the experience with K. I am much more clear now in what I want in a relationship and what I don’t want. I have seen the consequences of what happens if you don’t stay true to yourself and try to always please others. I don’t want to let that happen again! And I think that I am starting to actually live it out, like telling the man from work straight that I am not interested.

So I am not sure if I should take your offer of listing confusing behaviours. Maybe I should just focus on the present and keep my thoughts about those men to myself from now on? But I know that they will come up again. Maybe I should journal about it. Thank you very much though for your offer!

Yes, I think you are right, humans and animals need physical touch. I am missing that a lot. But it is hard for me, I am not very open and have a hard time getting to know others. Lately I have become more isolated. But I also feel more calm when being alone.

My parents were not completely cold by the way. Once I found a cassette with my mother singing songs to me as a baby. But later she became overwhelmed with parenting and maybe depressed. I think my parents are not bad people, but they were a little overwhelmed with their parenting role.

About the illustration: maybe I can post a link or description when we are both online and edit it as soon as you see it. But there is not much time for editing here, is it?

The new year goals: first I want to use the last month of the year to properly end this year. I want to take a little more time for myself to journal more, become clearer in what I want and do unfinished tasks. For example I finally got me some essential  furniture and my room looks a little better and less chaotic now! It immediately makes me feel better. Also I want to do some small things I procrastinated on. But I also want to think about my goals for the next year and what I want to improve.

I am not finished in making the list of goals for next year, but the main thing will be to focus on uni. Also take good care of myself by eating healthy, exercising and going out for nature walks. Another thing, I should work on my friendships and relationships, because I have been spending too much time alone the past months. I will post the full list once I am finished. Do you also make new years goals?

Until next time, please take care!