Dear Anita,

Interesting that anger part.  Reminds me a lot of my old self.  I would do this to old boyfriends (or even my husband in the beginning) – feeling (subconsciously of course unaware of it back then) that I had to share my distress, how dare the other person not get it and just be fine!

And of course who did this most of all? Ursula.  In fact this was her MO!

Great point indeed, Anger.

She does have anger, (of course I do too in my own way but that is for a different conversation not the topic right now) that she has had to protect me while I was NC – and so she beared the weight of that stress – “protecting me.”)

The thing is it is not that I don’t appreciate that – it is that it is just apart of the process.  When I went NC.  Now that she is NC she can focus on that and her own healing and moving forward.

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Thanks for telling me good job about the dog thing – I agree, I think it was a good move.  Her comment was disturbing to my husband, petulant in a way.  And that ticked me off.  I thought to myself “here it is: choose peace and your inner circle.  She’s an adult – no need to protect her.”

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The other thing is as soon as I returned home from CA (at 11 pm) the next day we were going to Aruba (pre-planned of course or else it would never have worked out that way).  I turned my phone on to a barrage of texts about how she had an altercation of some sort with you and how she is extremely upset and heart broken.  (we don’t need to get into this at all as we have already spoken about it and there is no need to affect you Anita, with what happened with you two – I am telling you this for another reason..)

I was LIVID.  Like LIVID.  I was standing at JFK waiting for a cab home to my apartment and I felt my head was going to explode.  I wanted to scream – ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME.  I literally flew to CA with the flu, you KNOW I had some very important interviews and meetings with my husband that are literally going to be life changing.  You know I am at my brink of stress as I have also verbalized this to you via text. (when she texted me about a work related issue I said to her, I am on the way to Newport beach and feeling sicker – I need to preserve all my energy to focus on this, we will talk when I return).  And NOW THIS!!!

So then I call her and I am LIVID.  I first start off saying that I just landed and the last thing I need is this.  Of course she was defensive and tearful.  I then immediately felt bad. I know she came to me for support in an upset frenzied state.  Just like anyone would.  Especially a sister.  I then asked her what happened and listened to her and was supportive.

But my head was pounding like crazy.  6 hour flight, recovering from the flu.  I noticed then that my sister truly needs support.  She feels quite alone.  She does have good friends now.  I also thought about how many times I have disturbed her.  In the middle of something important. With my drama.  How often she has been disturbed, stressed.  How often I have gone to her with complaints about what my parents were doing.  Just like how I felt that day, stressed. I am sure my sister felt that way many times.

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But what I am seeing now is this.  Just because I did that to her in the past, doesn’t mean I have to “take whatever” she may do.  As in – in the example above.  I had the right to put my foot down and say “it’s best if the dog goes with you.” I have a marriage to maintain.  And that is something that she does not have experience with.  Hell, I hardly did until recently.  I have felt often that to be honest.  My priority was my mother before my marriage (as you know).  But then after it became my sister! Remember all the stress of us first moving to NYC and how she enveloped that time for us.  That is family.  But my marriage needs space for sure.

And as your above comment goes – that anger is very much in her.  I need to keep that in mind in scenarios when she talks petulantly or is brash.