Dear Cali Chica:

So pleased to read your recent post, to see how my input is being appreciated, considered and taken in so thoroughly.

The Frenzy, the “concept of a frenzied/ stressed approach vs. gentle/calm one”, “starting off relaxed and calm, and quickly escalating to anxiety, then aggression, then hysteria. Just like that- always.. My norm IS STRESS… I do not truly believe that I can be a low key stress person deep down inside”-

– the Frenzy has been my experience for decades and I didn’t believe otherwise was possible for me. You can imagine my surprise when I found out quite recently (following a slow and gradual process) that it is possible for me. I still feel the Frenzy, a rushing in the mind, a moment of panic, and when I do, I slow down. I keep reminding myself to do things slowly, attentively And I do.

The Frenzy is a brain activity that is habitual. Not taking drugs, there is only one way to quiet that frenzy, and that is to literally slow down. (In the case of things needing to be done fast, it is possible to do those things fast while slowing down the brain-rush, this is something you already do at work, with patients. Do the same elsewhere).

Slow down every time you feel that brain-rush, that Frenzy. Literally, slow down your movements, including your speech. This slowing down when frenzied is very unpleasant, it is I imagine what would happen to a racing horse, all ready to race, full speed, but then someone adds weights to each one of the horse’s legs, imagine the frustration as the horse wants to run as fast as it can, its mane blowing in the wind. So it is as frustrating as that. And yet, there is no other way but to weigh ourselves down by imaginary weights and .. slow down.

“He will learn to trust me”- I think he will. He is invested in trusting you, he wants to trust you, but he is scared, he doesn’t know if he should. Over time, experiencing your consistency, he will relax and he will trust you.

Thing is, you can’t afford one screw up, as in yelling or going on and on and such; two  month of perfect behavior and one screw up and you are back to square one. When I say a screw-up, I don’t mean a moment of anger, when you feel angry (of course you will feel that again), and I don’t  mean your voice naturally rising a bit, or your face muscles tightening with anger, these things will happen again. What I mean is you noticing a moment of Frenzy and seeing to it that it doesn’t progress into an episode of Frenzy.

Your unjustified guilt over your sister, that is a weight that you are carrying, but not the kind of weight that slows you down, it is a kind of weight that feeds the Frenzy, going back to the horse imagery, it is a weight with spikes that cause the horse pain and so, it runs faster, frenzied!

You are not responsible for her well being, but even if you were, if you leave her out of your inner circle, you will be promoting her well being by doing just that. Having her in your inner circle promotes her sickness. She needs an inner circle for herself that does not  include you. It is so because the two of you share a sick home of origin. Have her out of your inner circle is like removing some of that sick home of origin from her life.

What I mean by this, in case I am not clear, is that it doesn’t matter what you say and do  now in the company of your sister, what you communicate to her now. Her anger at you, her experience with you now is almost a perfect replay of her past childhood experience in her home of origin.

So you are not responsible for her, but even if you were, the right thing for you to do for her well being is to go with your inner circle, let her go with hers, and keep the two circles separated. At least for the next few years, at the least.

anita