Dear Cali Chica:

Your sister texted you: “is everything okay?”- she is anxious, wants to know if you are angry at her or upset, she needs to know she is not in danger of you cutting contact wither, needs to know you are there for her. For as long as she is anxious this way, she will act very nicely toward you, her anger is down while her fear is up. If you answered: “oh no sorry for not being around”, she would have felt better for a while, but sooner than later, while her fear is down and her anger is up, she will express that anger at you in one way or another, in one of those puzzling ways that leave you confused, not identifying that expression as anger, not knowing what it is.

Problem in a relationship like this is that you don’t know what is going on, you too often don’t know when she is angry and why, so you are.. well, clueless, then something hurts, and you think you were just bitten but you are not sure what happened. And then, you ask her and her answer further confuses you, and all this creates a zzzzz… kind of noise in the brain that .. well, is not  congruent with mental health. For mental health we need clarity, not confusion.

“you can live any life you want anywhere- with strong boundaries in tact”- I do hope you find ways to put into practice strong boundaries with your sister. It won’t be easy because at times she is delightfully delightful, so  you like her, naturally, and you enjoy her company, but…  you never know when you are going to be bitten next, nor can you prepare for  it, nor  can you.. identify when it happens!

anita