Dear Cali Chica:

Happy Holidays to you too. I was going to “celebrate” Christmas by going “winter camping” this afternoon, but due to the cold the plan has been cancelled, and so, I am celebrating the cancellation.

Here is something else I am celebrating this very morning: “I am grateful above all, for such a dear and loving husband.. I truly see him differently over the last week. Literally visually! Seeing things in him more endearing and lovely than ever! It is like falling in love.. I am finally able to learn to love my husband properly. It is a beautiful thing, isn’t it…?”- yes it is, and I am celebrating it right now, on this cold Christmas Eve day, and the sun just appeared in the clouded sky!

Your sister was invited to XMas Eve with your husband’s part of the family and has already expressed her gratitude by making a XMas-Eve-Morning passive aggressive comment to you. Her anger is not going anywhere and it is harming you and your husband, harming the team, the inner circle, and has been doing so for quite a while. Neither you nor your husband deserve her anger. Do  not take in any guilt for her anger- you have nothing to do  with her anger.

Keep in mind a visual of her as an angry puppy who bit, bites and will bite, expect it from this puppy. Her bite then will not hurt, it will be only a nibble. Experiment with this visual this Christmas. See if it works for you. Give it your best effort. Do not interact with her on the level of two human adults.

If this experiment fails, you will have to keep her out of your life.

Coming to think about it, maybe you should write her a note, on a piece of  paper, attach it to a Christmas card perhaps. In it write something like: I know you have a lot of anger toward me. I am intent on treating you fairly and respectfully regardless of how I feel about you. I expect you to treat me fairly and respectfully regardless of how you feel about me. Deal with your anger at me with someone else, a therapist maybe, but don’t talk about it to me and don’t express it to me. In other words, if you want to be in my company, be nice. If you can’t be nice, stay away from me. What I wrote here is not negotiable. I love you, I always will. But I will no longer accept your anger as if I deserve it. Because I don’t. I don’t deserve your anger.

What do you think?

anita