thank you for responding.  you have no idea how comforting it is to be able to talk to someone that has been experiencing the same things i have.  i have been trying, been trying to tell myself that I can be happy again.  that someday , I may find love like that again.  That i’m a good person and i deserve the best.  but somehow i seem to end of back like it was yesterday that I lost her. i really wish i could just let her go.  I think that part of me is afraid to because if i do and she does someday come back that i’ll miss the chance.  honestly i feel like i may of had a chance two xmas’s ago when she started talking to me  again out of the blue.  Really talking to me telling me feelings, until my ex girlfriend found out and contacted her, putting an end to that.  It’s so hard to think that she isn’t thinking about me, that she doesn’t love me.

I know for a fact from a source that she is “very happy”.  I think i get resentment with that.  What gives her the right to be so happy, while I’m still here in the rubble from what was left over. suffering and struggling just to make it through every day.  It is so unfair.

I really don’t understand the universe or karma or whatever.  It is very ironic and weird to me tho how when i met her, she was in this state that i’m in.  I was the one that helped her recover, i was the one that brought her laugh and smile back(she told me that several times), i was the one that helped her grow and be better, then i get thrown away(or so it feels).  And how she absolutely hated her ex husbands girlfriend(even though they did nothing wrong), is how i feel about her boyfriend how.  I despise him for ever coming into her life.  I know that’s not right, but it’s how I feel.  and then now… my current ex girlfriend is in the same state of mind/heart that i was/am with my first ex.  It’s like a bad disease that just gets passed on the next lover, except i still have it.  i haven’t recovered.

I know I was probably a rebound type of thing with her, that I was fun and exciting and new, and then over time it got too real.  And now she is with someone that it’s all normal.  I know that the distance helped ruin things, that if i was closer ,that thing may have been different.  I know that there are so many factors that i didn’t have any control over that contributed to this.  It’s just so hard to be able to let go 100%.  I feel like i don’t want to lose any chance I may ever have with her again if i am not here and available.  And yes, i know that is a bad way to go about life and live my life.

Everything is just hard.  I feel so alone anymore.  I hurt so much on  a daily basis.  I’ve gotten pretty good at putting on a fake smile and happy face, but inside i’m just empty and cold.  Still to this day, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.  Which I know is unhealthy for me.  But it’s true.  I hate her having that kind of control over me.

i so bad just want to talk to her and tell her that i’ve never stopped loving her and that I’m sorry for the things that I did that made her leave me and that i would do anything for another chance.  I know that is one of the worst things i could do though.  Man this is hard, i think it’s harder then before.

I feel like i’m just clinging on to her memory afraid if i let go that i will forget.