@Genie, sorry for the delay in replying. My head has been a little all over the place for the past while and I’ve been trying to figure out my next plan of action in terms of employment.

Firstly, I’m so sorry. I really am. I’m sorry your heart has been broken and now your confidence is shaken and you’re experiencing panic and anxiety. I know that feeling well. I don’t know if I can offer any advice per se in the sense that you will have seen my recent posts and realised I haven’t exactly come out the other side. Yet (I hope I will). However Michelle’s advice is always pretty on point and useful.

With regard to the new guy, I know it can be scary and intense. So I’m extremely close to my new guy now. It’s weird. I explained that I wasn’t in a position to be in a relationship and it was causing me anxiety and it was overwhelming and didn’t feel right and he understood and was extremely kind about it. We took a couple of weeks without contact and then he got back in touch and said he had thought long and hard about it and wants me in his life as a friend. He feels I have greatly enriched his life and he loves the conversations we have which are deep and enlightening, He says I have helped him boost his own self confidence and he’s going to spend much of this year on self growth and development. He’s a wonderful sweet guy and I truly want to see him happy. In the past while I have tried to push him away a little, bluntly telling him that it could be quite unhealthy to maintain such a relationship with the object of your affection. He keeps giving me logical and convincing reasons to remain friends and I find it hard to end the relationship entirely.

He has been a huge support to me recently and I have stated to him that I’m hurting from a past pain and need to address that myself as I feel I’m relying on him too much to fill the gaps I’m feeling in my life. I explained that every interaction with him makes me feel better but it’s a temporary solution and I don’t want to end up reliant on yet another man to make me feel better. I have to do the work myself. He said I’m being stubborn and shooting myself in the foot and that he cares immensely about my overall wellbeing and happiness and if you have someone in your life who supports and helps you, why would you sabotage that friendship and feel like utter crap?! Again, I saw his point. So we’re close friends now. We only know each other about 6 months and sometimes it feels like 10 years. I don’t see him as the guy I want to be in a romantic relationship with, but I’m acutely aware that he’s filling some need currently. I don’t want to hurt him either.

So, my long winded point is that, your new guy might be amazing and I completely understand the need to know is it self sabotage or whatever. But at the end of the day, I think Michelle will tell you this, if our exes are still pretty forefront in our minds….on a pedestal as you say (couldn’t have described it better myself!), then we’re not in a position to fully move on and be completely healed and self assured and confident and ready to fully open our hearts to someone new. Our hearts are not healed or whole enough to give to someone yet I think. I could be completely wrong, this is only from my own perspective. For example, the new guy is unreal when it comes to communication and emotional understanding and caring support, something my ex could never give me. So in many ways the new guy is more of a great guy that my ex will ever be…….and yet……my ex still trumps him. For no particular reason, only the little small things that I loved. WHY won’t they minimise and the larger problems we had maximise? Don’t know, rose-tinted glasses I guess.

I have not been to a therapist in months as I’ve been travelling and then out of work so finances are not the best, but I feel I need to go back. Even just for one session until I can afford more because a lot goes on in our minds and sometimes if left unrestrained, we can work ourselves up into spirals. Sometimes perspective can be helpful, so I’d recommend talking to a professional if you are in a position to do so. I hope it helps alleviate some of the anxiety. I will say that initial anxiety, panic and depression subsides, it seems to be temporary, but you may already know that if you feel you were at least able to get back out into the dating world over the past few months.

As for me, Michelle, most of my brain told me that the birthday text was a moral obligation on his part, but then he started checking in on all my social media posts- bear in mind that I had been so lucky up to now that my ex was insanely private and hated social media and never ever uses it. He initially set up an account before he met me, but never used it once while we were together and encouraged me to avoid social media too, but all of a sudden, though he has had not activity on his page since 2013, he now checks all my posts. I never deleted or blocked him because it didn’t even enter into my head, because it was a non-issue as I felt his account was dead anyway. Now you may ask why don’t I just delete him as a friend and also his best friend who sometimes sends me the odd greeting? I’m not ready. Yep, I’ll be honest and say it’s feeding into my hope.It’s not helping and I found myself posting the odd bit of content just to check had he checked it. I’ve stopped doing that now. I also texted him New Years Eve to wish him a happy new year and he replied with the same three words I had sent him saying Happy NY. So there was clearly no invitation for further conversation and I left it at that.

He never is not on my mind and I wonder how or when does that fade? I feel like the third time we split last May, I kept going, determined not to let it derail me this time. I was incredibly busy with a big event at work at the time, completed my makeup course, did my exams, handed in my notice at work, travelled to Oz and NZ, took on a new short term job in a different industry where i got to experience a new environment and meet so many new people. I met a great new guy and even tried a new romance with him. But still, it doesn’t seem to have had any effect. I want to be back with my ex, and yes I know it wasn’t fulfilling me, but the need to just be in physical proximity to him still overrides. How frustrating! I feel like I’m lying to the world, that I’m faking a life I’m not really living. But I’m doing it with an honest heart. I tried all those things because I was trying to make myself happy or happier at least. I still can’t let go, I don’t know how and then I don’t want to.

So that’s me, I’m not the greatest person to be getting advice from as I still need the advice myself. But I do care and I do empathise with anyone else going through similar situations. Mine is evidently not a unique scenario and I’d love to close my eyes and be 10 years down the road, superbly happy and looking back at this period of my life with puzzlement as to how I could have felt this way at this time. But that’s not how life works. So for now I’ll try and manage getting through each day and try not to rely on others too much and make myself more resilient. I don’t know where I’m meant to be or how to move this process along, so I’ll hopefully get to see my therapist some time in the next week.

Michelle, I can’t believe you’re going travelling again, the envy is real! I feel almost daily now like hopping on a plane, but alas a lack of any kind of financial standing prevents those notions! I’m excited for you and wish you the most wonderful trip again.

@kkasxo, how has 2020 been treating you so far? I got a few more rejection emails this week, but I’m hoping the universe is filtering out where I’m not meant to be! How is Mr. A? Did you manage to make it through the Holidays unscathed? x