Dear Anita,

I have so so much to say about this! To the point that when I read your post this morning, I was in a meeting with my building, and I wanted to run out and call you and say YESSSS!!!

Anyway here I am now, and I am going to go through everything you wrote and add my stream of consciousness.  Some of it well thought out deep rooted ideas, other new realizations that wont be full developed.  I will bold what you wrote in the last post. And un bold is me.

(Oh I love our organization!)

The dust is still being thrown into my eyes”- yes, as you stated, no longer by my mother, but by my sister.  not to compare, but also dust is dust. of course my mothers dust made me paralyzed unable to have any real true life.  i got away.  but now that I am away, my sister’s dust holds me back ever so often, and chronically in my marriage.  More on that later I am sure…I’ll add (not for sake of redundancy but the real importance of it) she continues to say things like “cc blames me for all her problems” but here look.  the dust IS BEING thrown into my eyes by HER.  so is SHE creating problems for me/my marriage? INDEED YES.

Part of the dust she threw into your eyes has been that “victim role” she practices, which led you to keep seeing her as “the true victim” and yourself as not a true victim but instead as a savior (which fits with your role as Super Cali Chica), 

Yes, hard to know where to begin with this one, so much to say isn’t there? I’ll closes my eyes and type then: I think of my sister as a wounded child that does NOT LOOK up to her sister with innocent eyes and for help – but instead balks.  has a twisted face and kicks and screams and is constipated for lack of a better term.  wound up and constipated with crap – dishing out crap to everyone in site. wah wah wah wah. wahhhh.

 “We are both victims from the same mother”, and that she is not more of a victim than you (“no such thing as one person being more of a victim”). nope there isn’t.  ya know Anita, the other day, maybe a few weeks ago we were talking about something, say things we get grossed out by – public toilets and such.  and she makes a comment “well you were never like this, but I always was so scared of…” whatever thing.  I immediately corrected her statement and said: “well that is an extreme thing to say, I am sure I was scared of X from time to time myself.”

Point: she thinks black and whitee.  she was wounded and victimized with all of these fears.  CC older sister was not and was light and free and had it MUCH EASIER. I think deep down she thinks this way which leads to A LOT OF HER ANGER.  It was one of the first time I cut her off and responded that way and it felt validating.  She would usually talk back and say something emphatically like: “god jeez I didn’t mean it that way – god it’s not personal”  this time around she didn’t good.  she needed to shut up.  she makes such a big deal about how she doesn’t like when I compare or assume things about her.  Doesn’t she do that about me?

Your sister criticized you for having been obsessed with S. But in my communication with her (not giving details) she has been extremely obsessed with (non-family) individuals in her life. Why would she accuse you or complain to you about you obsessing about S, using that word that so defines her state f mind. Is it that she doesn’t see that she has pathologically (says I) obsessed about others herself?

What a good one, glad this was brought up.

First of all, I am not obsessed with S.  She is my best friend.  My husband and I went to stay with her in Philly this past weekend and it was the most wonderful heartwarming time.  I finally got to talk to her in person about her wedding planning, and meet her fiance.  Here’s what I realized a few months ago.  S was driving me crazy! That is okay! Friends do that sometimes.  True friendships do.  She was coming to me with so many wedding related questions and talks that it was triggering me.  She also was clueless about marriage and weddings and all.  Now months later she has learned a lot.   She will be 37 and never been in a serious relationship, she had a lot of growing and adjusting to do – and still does.  I have tenderness and space for that.  Talking in person was much needed and long overdue, I felt that all of my annoyances at her over the summer were because I felt bombarded by her wedding stuff during a time I was too busy.  Once I assertively and maturely let he know I wasn’t in a place to help her then, it was fine! I have been friends with S over 15 years through moves, changes, relationships, everything! That is impressive on both of our ends. S is like family and will always be.  It was confirmed this weekend as always and oh what a blessing she is as a friend!!

My sister could not relate to this for a second, and perhaps if she continues the way she does, she never will.  She has zero credibility to comment on long term serious relationships full of mutual respect.  She has none (long term deep ones I mean).

She also doesn’t understand that annoyances with friends does not equal hatred.  Annoyances also do not equal obsession.  Sure I will say over the summer I was not handling the S situation well.  Why? I had not learned assertive communication.  I was doing what my sister may, answering S all the time, but then getting annoyed about it and complaining about it.  How immature and negative! Instead I quickly learned to talk to her directly and it was all fine, and has been for months.  My sister failed to remember that part didn’t she! Just like my mother, a wonderful memory for all I have done wrong!

Well I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t done so much right.  A full life with a husband and great friends (including Anita) .

My sister can’t say the same – and I thought she would soon – but if she continues the way she does…well….

Anyway her obsessions with friends.  She absolutely CONSTANTLY for her whole life only has negative things to say about her friends.  ALL THE TIME.  You know how you and her heard about S.  For what, a short period right? Did you hear about every other friend of mine over and over and how annoying they are? no.  Because if I really felt that way about them, I got  rid of them (that friend of glitter) and I actually have VALUE for the people in my life (including you) which she SEVERELY SEVERELY LACKS.  She’s so busy blaming others, she sees no fault in herself.  Remember her complaint at how that friend didn’t do the intervention with her, about the other friend who drinks too much and gets sloppy.  Well I only saw her side back then.  Blindsided.  Now I see that she has a normal group of friends, each one with their own personalities – she doesn’t leave room for growth and getting to know these people.  Knowing a group of girls for a year does not mean all of a sudden you are an expert on them and always right.

Next, I do believe my sister has a lot of jealousy.  I have noticed that when her friend gets a date or complains about a date, how it really bothers her.  I used to agree.  Now I see a portion of it as resentment – of why does someone have more options than me? Seeing herself as very worthy, but yet terribly insecure at the same time.  I don’t judge her for this – I am not making a joke of it either, but she lacks any awareness of it.

In addition, I do believe she has jealousy of me, and thinking that things are seemingly easy and seamless for me, and I act annoying, childish, or whatever.

“She has a lot of anger and resentment about why her life is the way it is”

Soooooo much.  just like my mother.  Unlike when I used to feel this way, I would feel sad, and then look to others and wish perhaps I had what they had.  I didn’t spew hate and jealousy onto them.  That was always my mother’s doing.  Say I went home at 25 and said “mom I wish I could find a boyfriend like so and so – shes so happy” my mother would be the one to spew the fire: “oh look at her, she has nothing, garbage!!! she managed to get that guy, and not someone like you!!!”

the fire hatred and negativity never originated within me first.  sure, did I start to echo these thoughts over time and time.  of course! but internally I haven’t been angry, vindictive, or jealous of others EVER!

you sent her a message “saying that I will be missing in action for the rest of the month as I have a lot to attend to but of course let me know of any true emergency. She didn’t reply. –would have been friendly and sisterly if she texted back: take all the time that you need, I am fine and I want the best for you.

Exactly Anita, exactly.  Was I surprised – nope.  What does that say? Well you have always wanted me to be honest and not always well spoken.  Here it is: that she is a selfish immature little brat.

Have I sent a message like that to others over this past grueling year.  Yess.  When I sent it to S – you know what she said? Take all the time you need – I am ALWAYS here in any form.

I had tears Anita.  NO ONE has ever said that to me (yes my husband would but he is on the inside).  Looking back I was SHOCKED bc I was so used  to playing savior now now now – never expecting the other person to say don’t worry I am fine, focus on you!

Why? because my mother and sister aren’t fine, and have high likelihood of not being fine, and RESENT when I focus on me.  are jealous of it too.  HOW DARE CC be focusing on herself, look at her! so selfish and smart! hmmph!!!!

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in her description of that day to me – birthday, there was no mention of any of the positives you mentioned: that it was her favorite restaurants, that it was chosen because it was her favorite, and what she did share was indeed what you refer to as negative.

yup, just like the many times she simply decides xmas morning – nope not going to come! when my in laws and extended family have planned for her to come with open arms. Rude, selfish, and lack of respect and value.  Disgusting.  esp for someone who prides herself on being so “cultured and kind”

In your apartment, “Just normal conversation.. enjoyed ourselves.. Normal as could be”- well, she didn’t tell you that she got angry at you during that time in your apartment.

No She did not tell me.  And of course not.  But do you nnotice a trend. I am not saying I am an innocent puppy – but I go off and talk and am my TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF 99 percent of my llife. talking chatting, laughing, going on and on.  sure maybea little loud maybe very chatty – but all in good spirits.

she on the other hand – sits back and judges and judges and is filled with annoyance and anger over and over. JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.  I CAN VISUALIZE IT 100000000000000000 TIMES.  WOW

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My summary this morning:

Okay going to address your amazing summary in the next post! avaialable for the next 3 hours!