Dear Cali Chica:

I didn’t read yet your 10:23, your time. I am back from a trip down memory lane that I didn’t want to take! I read  mostly my posts to your sister in the 20 pages of her newest thread, ending Oct last year, because I figured I will not be posting to you her words, but my words.

Before I get to what I found regarding the reason I went to her thread, I want to bring up something I noticed at the end of the communication with her. The trouble between me and her started on Oct 26. This is what I wrote to her: “I am in an all-business attitude regarding our mentorship plan, that is, I mentoring you. I want to create something that will work for you in practical ways. I don’t want our talks to disappear into the past but instead, translate to real-life practice. So we come up with things, I suggest and you agree or disagree, then I readjust my suggestion until it is acceptable to you.. and eventually we agree.. If over time adjustments need to be done, we’ll discuss and adjust”.

Later that day I wrote to her: “This is why my mentorship suggestion (brought about by you referring to me as your mentor in email) is a long term project… Okay,  let’s start then. I am very serious about this and am ready. Let’s form rules for your  behavior in the context of work and in context of your relationship with your sister. The latter is very relevant because in two days you will be spending time  with her on vacation. These are the rules I already suggested regarding work:

1. Do  not say to one employee anything about another employee other than 100% positive.

2. Do not flirt with any employee in any way, shape or form, nor will you seek a relationship with a man at work outside the strictly professional work relationship in the workplace.

3. Do not share with employees any information on .. other private information that can be used against you. Be friendly to all co-workers, but a friend to none.

Edit the above and suggest more..”

Later on that day, I wrote to her: “A bit more about goals. These are the first goals I have in  mind for you, the two in the highest priority group:

1. Maintain your physical health and safety.

2. Maintain your current job.

.. I would place a love relationship with a man in a lower priority group, a long-term goal. I would invest in perfecting a list of rules.. to serve as guideline to your behavior in different contexts such as at work and with your sister. And, very important: you are welcome to not do this work with me. But better do some work with someone, because you need someone’s help and guidance.”

Later: “I will not chase you to do this work, don’t want to feel like I am pulling teeth”.

Back to now: the above was the end of the mentorship program. I will not quote to you her words. But my experience was that she was not interested in mentorship. She referred to me as a mentor, but well, she didn’t to engage. She got angry at the pulling teeth comment, her anger lasted to the next day, Oct 27 which was the last of our communication.

You can tell me what you learned from the above.

Second part, the alleged intervention. Because of what seems to me a misrepresentation of facts by her, I will mention in a minimal way her input to me. I have qualifying comments after the following account. Thread started Oct 1. Oct 4 I wrote to her: “I was wrong June: I inaccurately projected my mother into you”. She then brought up (her idea, her initiative) that other people do the same thing. I asked her “who and what?” and she answered that you did (still didn’t specify the what part, and I didn’t ask, but wrote to her: I could easily see your sister inaccurately projecting into you and .. so  did I… I did, she did and we both hurt you that way. I can assure you one thing: I will do my very best to not do that again… From what your sister shared it was obvious that you were very, very considerate of her and not at all the histrionic person I thought you were (a projection of my mother into you, an inaccurate projection)… and your sister is wrong as well, suggesting that you are like.. your mother. We both projected our mothers into you.. I regret and apologize for it.”. She then asked me to let you know that which I wrote to her and I agreed. Oct 8 I told her that I did and asked her if she wants me to send her a quote of what I posted to you. She said yes, so I sent her the quote of what I sent to you: “I was wrong about her.. inaccurately projected my mother into her, thinking that your sister was histrionic and manipulative. I was wrong. As you shared about her after June 2018, different scenarios, I realized I was wrong.. What a relief to know that she  is not histrionic.. it is clear that she has been trying hard to deal with her own distress without burdening you.. it became clear to me that you too  inaccurately projected what is not true. It is your mother that instilled in you the idea/ role that you have to take care of her, to get her to be social and so forth. Your care- taker family role was given to you by your mother, not by your sister… On your part, watch that roar so it is not expressed against her. Always remove yourself from an interaction with her (take a time out) when you feel triggered.”

Your sister then thanked me very much for that post above, but asked me to add to it (send you another post, that is) that she is going through something huge (the NC) and that you should respect it. I agreed. Oct 15 I wrote to your sister regarding her latest request: “I expressed to your sister the part I told you that I  will days ago. I wrote to her that I think it is a good idea that she expresses to you (if she hasn’t so far) that she is proud of you for the NC choice that you make, for this huge step  in your healing, that she respects you for making this huge step”.

Later I wrote to her: “You and your sister are two precious individuals who had the misfortune of being born to a mother-from-hell, stating it in a simple way. Of course, the relationship between two siblings from this background is not going to be smooth. The two of you separately did NC.. Next step  is to create a ‘New and improved’ (part of the title of your thread) relationship between the two of you.. It is not and will not be easy to any one of you… For the relationship to continue to improve- and to not regress- the two of you have to practice empathy for each other and to not accept mistreatment. The rules that you sent her are all reasonable. What you need to see during the trip is that she is trying hard, that when she forgets this or that rule (and she will),that what follows is she correcting herself. Same with whatever rules she sends you- if they are reasonable- see to  it that you try and if and when you forget- correct yourself… The aim of this vacation is to have fun and relax. The aim of the ground rules is to increase the chances that this happens… Soak in the sun and let the sun relax those over-worked brains of yours (yours and hers).”

— Back  to now (I am exhausted!):

1. No, there was no intervention planned. (I did not suffer a stroke, good thing).

2. It is very important to get to know a person not through a third person’s account but by personally witnessing and interacting with a person, first hand. What happened is that you shared a lot about your sister after I no longer interacted with her, and according to your accounts she was acting fine and dandy, she was attending therapy, doing better, not bombarding you with stuff, and being very considerate of you. So I assumed she was.. well, fine and dandy and not  whom I thought she was. Time has passed since my communication with her, I read your stories, positive stories and well.. I took a leave of absence from my first hand experience with her and believed a second hand account. According to your accounts, she was not acting histrionically, nothing like my mother. I figured I inaccurately projected my mother into her.

3. There are elements that you did indeed inaccurately projected into her, I think the social care taking role of her is such a thing, something your mother gave you, not your sister, just like I wrote to her. Also, there were times that you mistreated her, of  course.

4. Your sister doesn’t want rules, she doesn’t want boundaries.

5. She doesn’t want help if the help offered her includes her re-evaluating her thinking and behavior. She will not consider that her thinking may be distorted or that her behavior may be dysfunctional. The help she will accept from you  or anyone else must not include any suggestion that her thinking is distorted or that her behavior is dysfunctional. This is the hallmark of personality disorders. No one enjoys considering these things, it is uncomfortable for all, but for your sister and people with severe personality disorders, such consideration is so distressful that they reject it automatically and vehemently and attack the person suggesting any such thing.

She will attack anyone who will challenge her distorted thinking and dysfunctional behavior. In other words, she will attack anyone who threatens her mental illness, in practice. In yet other words, she will attack anyone who sincerely and competently try to help her.

6. I was so smitten by your sister, my goodness, I saw her in the best possible way Oct last year. For a while there I didn’t see her as she was.

–Enough for now. Take your time with this.

anita