Anita

Exactly. My parents gave lip service to love though I did not experience what it actually felt like. I can remember countless times being left at school on days when my dad was supposed to pick me up. One time I was left at the bus stop for 2-3 hours when I was in grade school waiting for my dad to pick me up. The crossing guard waited with me thankfully. But that memory still hurts to this day. My mom was more reliable to at least be there physically, but other than that she was emotionally unavailable for me.

I suppose had my parents practically loved me as a child they would’ve been concerned with my emotions. Also their love wouldn’t have been conditional on whether I was being obedient and high performing. I remember having an emotional breakdown on the pitchers mound at a baseball game in little league because too many people were telling me to do too many different things. I asked for a substitute and my dad got angry with me after the game for “being a quitter” despite being the best player on the team, and a reluctant leader through my character it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I needed to know I was enough so badly, I remember my aunts and uncles were always so proud of me and to this day always greet me with a smile of gratitude. I can’t say the same for my mom, last time I saw her she was too busy being depressed to greet me with affection, not that I expect it anyway.

While it is helpful to reflect on my relationship with my parents, I’m at a point where I just don’t care to much to talk about it anymore, I know I didn’t get what I needed and it makes me upset and I’m okay with that now, I’m relieved at this point that I no longer have to bear the burden of confusion of why I feel unlovable. Now my challenge is how to feel lovable no matter what my life circumstances may be. My confidence comes and goes, feelings of lovabilty fade quickly when they arise, and are usually externally dependent. I desperately want to feel loveable internally, no matter what. I reached a conclusion while thinking about this last night during a sweat lodge that no matter what i do, I cannot make myself any more lovable than I am or always have been. It is not some dependent variable as if life was a science experiment that depended on the right inputs to get love. It frustrates me to no end that I keep trying to accomplish and achieve to gain love just as I did my whole childhood. There is something in my heart that has been asking me to surrender to my pain lately, it’s coming in dreams, in my thoughts, and manifests in physical discomfort when I come into contact with women. I don’t want to try anymore. I just want to be okay with being who I am, and all the baggage that comes with it.