Hi ninibee,

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. This is the first free moment I’ve had all week.

I just now finished reading the updates to your thread and am once again amazed at the beautiful ways TB members offer sincere support. Lara’s wise and compassionate post above is worth more than one read. Anita has offered to be a calm, patient motherly-type figure to you. Exo’s “now is the time to thank this experience…” rings so true to me, and Inky gave you honest, practical advice, as she always does here.

Upon reading your answers to my questions I’ve learned that you are no longer in college, are experiencing a recent breakup, and have had trouble making friends since you were young. (It seems you didn’t perform academically in college and that’s why you are no longer enrolled.)

What I’ve learned about friendships is that there needs to be reciprocity involved. In other words, a friendship can’t be one-sided; both players need to benefit from it. For example, if you and I are friends we are providing value to each other, and there’s mutual respect within our friendship.

How do you get there? First, you need to understand who you are. What are your goals, values, and interests?

Do you see yourself having a rewarding career in the future, one that allows you to support yourself financially and feel good about your capabilities? If so, focus on something you like, figure out how to make a living from it, and decide to get there. Make a commitment that one day you’ll be an expert at that one thing, that you’ll be the one others will come to when they need help or advice on that topic. If you have the opportunity to get an education, don’t allow anything to distract you from your academic goals. Keep your focus. Each morning decide that you will stay present in sticking to your plan, that you will work hard to improve yourself that particular day. Don’t allow potential obstacles to derail you. It all starts with one decision.

What are your values? When I think of my values I think of the things that make me feel good about myself. Do you cheat on assignments? Do you talk about others behind their backs? Do you mind your own business or ask awkward, passive-aggressive questions that put others on the defensive? When living with others, do you do your part to keep your place clean? Are you thoughtful or selfish? If you live alone, do you clean up after yourself and stay organized? Do you drink too much alcohol or use drugs? Do you flirt with other girls’ boyfriends? Decide what your values are and then stick to them no matter what anyone else is doing. Your values are nonnegotiable.

What are your interests? If you like art, do you make time to paint/draw/etc? If you like reading, are you finding interesting books? If you want to be physically fit, are you eating right and exercising daily? If you like movies, do you treat yourself to one every now and then. If you like nature, do you get out, take walks or ride a bike often?

When trying to make friends, don’t be a chameleon who changes her colors to make others like her. Be yourself no matter what. Be true to you. Stick with your own unique set of goals, values, and interests, and then watch what happens. My prediction is that you’ll become less needy, and when that happens, others will become more attracted to you. People are attracted to goal-oriented people with strong values and their own interests and hobbies. It’s a byproduct of getting your life on track.

Be a good person who is happy and focused. Those qualities are highly valuable in friendships.

B