Hey all,

Checking in from KL. Last day in Malaysia, fly out to Vietnam tomorrow. Georgetown was fantastic, loved every second of it. Awesome food, comical art, gorgeous buildings, our week flew by. Now in KL which is, well, a city. So it’s fun to see the famous sights but I’m fine to be moving on after three nights.

Seems like everyone has been up/down whilst I’ve been ‘away’. If it helps;

@Genie. First up – breathe! Get outside, get running, whatever it takes to calm down. At the moment all your actions are coming from anxiety and fear.  If it’s as good as a relationship as you believe, this one argument is not going to be the end. Nor do you want to go jumping into bed with him or declaring your undying love just because you are scared of losing him now. You guys sounded like you were on a good slow path, have faith in yourself and him and the relationship.  There’s always risk involved in anything we do – what’s important is choosing what risks we think are worth taking. It does sound like you owe the guy an apology for turning up unexpectedly and then accusing him of cheating on you.  That’s just your fear and lack of self-confidence talking – no evidence/facts.  Where are you guys at now – have you contacted him to talk?

I do tend to disagree with Shelby – all relationships can cause anxiety if you let them. So it isn’t a case of finding the right person who doesn’t you make you anxious but understanding your own triggers. Then instead of reacting and responding out of fear when you are triggered, you can sit with it, knowing it’s ‘just’ your fear and wait for it to pass.  Then you can choose how to act, not simply react. A huge difference.  So no, you shouldn’t wait until you are completely fine and have finished working on yourself – because that is never going to happen for any of us – life is an never-ending learning curve, that’s what makes it interesting! But likewise – don’t jump in just because you are now scared of losing this guy – that’s just reacting out of a different fear. Reach out for him from a position of hope, of making the relationship even better. Think about what you can offer him emotionally/for support too. Be ready to be a partner, not a dependent.

@Adelaide. I’m glad your day went ok. It sounds like you have come a long way still – the piece you mentioned about the anxious types is spot on. As above, the more you understand about what triggers you, what you want – the easier it gets to find it – and as importantly – to say no when it isn’t what you want. This is why it’s so powerful you understand that not continuing with your ex is the best thing for you, even when it makes you sad. Absolutely, if you were in a more secure emotional position yourself, it’s amazing the difference it makes to how you perceive the same situation. So keep it up! I admit, I’m a bit skeptical of some approaches suggested. For me, it’s always been the combination of learning and action. One without the other makes no sense. It’d be like training for a marathon by “thinking yourself fit” or vice versa “running around bare-footed and starving hungry and wondering why I can only do a few miles”!! You get the point 🙂   It’s by learning how to see things differently and then acting on it by stretching ourselves outside our comfort zones, that we grow as people.

@Shelby  Hey m’dear – sounds like you are doing pretty well to me! I know you think you haven’t progressed but if you read back over these you truly have. The Shelby I ‘met’ at the start would never have had the courage to do some of the things you have now done.  I think the approach you are taking to make it less about the ex sounds right – mostly as I remember that eventually it became less about missing my ex specifically but being aware that I was lonely without a partner.  If it helps, it was over a year before I was vaguely interested in the idea of trying to date anyone else and the first couple of those were disasters, in that I quickly realised I wasn’t interested in that way! Bit like you and your current guy/friend I guess.   So absolutely – stop with the “I’m still sad, broken and missing my ex”. You are much more in the “I’m sad and lonely at times but capable of doing much more than I thought which gives me confidence to work on the next step”.  If you have managed to get back to your therapist I’m guessing at some point they will encourage you to revisit the idea of talking about your Mum & best friend, which I hope helps you come to better terms with attachments and accepting the lack of security that goes with them, regardless how good they are.

@Kkasxo.  You sound like you are struggling and withdrawing – I hope you are finding support from your family and if possible from a referral back to the therapist who at least helped a little before. You know we are always here for you but I know how hard it is to have the energy to reach out when you are down. So we’re reaching out to you instead and hoping you are doing ok.  I can see you also avoid replying about Mr A, so I am guessing you know deep down he isn’t helping your situation but it’s just something else that’s too much to deal with on top of everything else right now.  And that’s ok – it’s whatever you can deal with, one step at a time. Take care.