Dear Anita,

It’s nearly 1pm here in Bristol. The weather outside is bland. The sky is white. I am sat in bed, still in my onesie. My room is a mess. My eyes are puffy from crying. I have been on annual leave for the past 2 weeks – and I was due back to work today. I got a phonecall from the nursing home, with the news that one of my lil old ladies passed away 🙁 She was 93, a feisty little thing, and v stubborn. I’ve supported her for over a year, and we developed a relationship that was so funny. Seeing her face light up on shift really made me feel like I was making a difference in my work. I felt like I meant something to someone.

I did not go to work today, because I think I deserved time to grieve her passing. I wasn’t there for the final days, and I’ve been worrying that I could of done more. My colleagues have spoken to me on the phone, and they said that out of everyone, I gave her so much joy in the final years of her life. We joked, danced, played. She loved me, and I loved her.

My new job is part of that same organisation – their building is across the road. I did talk to them and said I wouldn’t be in because I was grieving. They said that it wouldn’t come under grievance leave because she wasn’t family or next of kin. The care home are going to tell them how close we were, I think, and make them understand.

I’ve been feeling a bit low the past couple of days. Mostly due to a lot of reasons. Sometimes I feel like I am stupid, or I am really unintelligent. Especially when I talk to people who I see as intelligent. Such as people who talk about things I don’t know, and people who I see achieving more than I am. – This is a conversation that needs its own explanatory post.

In response to your questions:

1. I had the blood test – and it turns out that I wasn’t anemic or gluten intolerant etc. But those problems have subsided.

2. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with PMDD, but I tried going on microgynon contraceptive pill, which has really balanced out my hormones and has been working so far.

3. No more changes to my anti-depressants, and I’ve actually been feeling ALOT less depressed!!! Spending way less time in bed, and I’ve been more pro-active in believing in myself and following  my dreams.

4. The chronic headaches have stopped – and I had the eye check. I do have a lazy eye – but I do feel it strengthening on occasions!!!

Cat