Thank you so much @genie and @shelbyville, I appreciate your feedback.

It hurt like hell yesterday. His scent lingered on the duvets so I had to wash them. His toothbrush was still in the bathroom so in a moment of anger i rubbed it the toilet. How could he do this..hoping to punish him then it dawned on me he wasn’t coming back and if he was I wouldn’t do that to him. So i curled in a ball on the bathroom floor and sobbed for an hour until the phone rang. I ran hoping it was him but my heart shattered into further pieces when it wasn’t. So I turned to the bottle again.

Today I just feel sombre. The tears are dried up. I feel like im in a thick fog I can’t see clearly and find it too much effort to push through it.

I’m worried the drinking is becoming a crutch in itself. The thought of going sober and being alone with all of my thoughts scares me but so does the idea of becoming addicted to it. The good thing is with the state of the world I’m running out of supply and with my anxiety there’s no chance of leaving to stock up. So I’ll have no choice but to sober up.

This crisis has it’s own weird positives in the sense when I get fleeting moments of clarity I too think the man I loved just up and left me without looking back. It wasn’t a mutual decision. It wasn’t discussed. He said his piece which I realise for him would have taken a lot but just like the communication throughout the 4 years he chose to avoid proper discussion. He didn’t give me time to adjust, respond or check how I felt about the situation. He just walked away.

What you are saying about loving myself is true. I’ve never had anyone appreciate me. I’ve always felt like the weakling in the family dynamic. I always felt anything I did didn’t meet others expectations. My worth has always been low.

@shelbyville I noticed you are still in touch with your ex…..is there still a chance for a reunion? Do you feel you and I can be the very few that make it work? Or am I really the desperate, needy woman who has lost who she is in what was most likely another form of addiction. A drug which made me feel better about all my insecurities. Made me mask who I really am and avoid facing the problems within me?

My friend who rang me again last night to check I was coping is incredibly clever and studies psychology. She said Sammy I didn’t mean to hurt you but I cant lie to you either, you need to hear it. She said what I thought was love wasn’t real love. She said when you are in real love with a person you are able to find peace in letting them go and no matter how much you want them your primary concern is their happiness. She said very few people experience or love in that way. It was unconditional.

She said real love doesn’t send you to therapy because you would either be in it or at peace without the person. This hit home.

She said I was addicted. What I was missing was the habit of having that person around, the safety and the idealised version I had in my head of our future together and dreams. I wasn’t missing him I was grieving the loss of those. If I was to look at the relationship properly I was happy to live off the crumbs of his attention even though he didn’t fulfil my needs at all but eventually the desire to realise those ideals would creep in and cause the issues. We were fundamentally not right for each other. She said it was all rooted in my attachment as a child. Is she right @shelbyville after years of therapy do you feel this is correct? All this time I think I’ve been in real love but how could I be if I don’t even have enough love for myself?

My thoughts are swinging from disgust to just desperation as I ring him frantically hoping he will pick up wanting answers. I can’t see my way out. I don’t see myself surviving this pain.